RiverFriend

Hi All,
I'm back on Day 1 and the only positive I see right now is that I'm back here posting and still trying to come to grips with what I'm dealing with. I feel rather embarrassed and confused that I can't seem to go more than 3-8 days without somehow convincing myself that I can drink normal. Shoot, even today I don't have a really bad hangover so my sickness says "See, you are doing okay" but I know that every time that I drink I am taking big chances.

I met with my sponsor last week but have been avoiding meetings. I think I'm scared that I'm not completely finished drinking....I'm scared of what it might take to finally stop and I believe wholeheartedly that it will come to that. I guess that gives me hope too......I believe my life was meant to be lived sans alcohol. Struggling along and thankful to be here again today.

duane1

The addiction grows stronger with time. Don't wait like I did and have to quit when you start having health complications.

Nonsensical

Welcome back, Buddy. I'm stumbling, fumbling, and bumbling along myself lately. Let's fix it. We can do this.

RiverFriend

Thanks Duane. I keep trying to remind myself of this...I'm 31 now and have been struggling for many years (kicked all of the "hard" stuff 10 years ago but alcohol has perhaps been the hardest to stop).

Woozy

In the exact same boat my friend. Really, I could have typed out your post myself.

Quit while your ahead, rest assured things WILL get worse if you continue drinking.

Baffling isn't it? How we can repeatedly convince ourselves that we can drink like normal people despite proving otherwise over and over! That is the lunacy of our ailment.

It's simple really though... keep drinking = things get worse, quit drinking = things get better.

I'm on day one too, let's do this together. I understand and I'm with you.

RiverFriend

Well I drank again last night. Even after my sincere post yesterday I somehow convinced myself that I'll just not have scotch and stick with beer (since I finished yet another handle of scotch at the office and am now out of scotch). Same story, same result and yet another Day 1. I really want this to be my last Day 1 and just get it through my head that this is never going to change. I am always going to be an alcoholic and will always have to take care of this delicate and dangerous part about my person. I believe it will only get worse and I do not want to lose my wife or son - it's a matter of time though if I don't stop.

I can't change my problem but I can change how I handle this problem and I can choose whether I pick up that first drink or not. Feeling so stupid but know it's the beast of this disease. Off to an AA meeting now to pick up where I left off.

duane1

Good luck Riverfriend. I feel for you. I let my addiction drag on for a decade after I knew I wasn't a normal drinker anymore. By 41 I had liver pain, gout, weird skin ailments. All that and it still took me 3 months to finally get myself off of booze.

Bruce292

Realizing this is a huge step forward. I was in denial for decades. It wasn't until I came to the same conclusion that I could even start becoming sober.

BowTiesAreCool

It's hard I know this is one of my many day 1's. I have stopped for a week and then I talk my self in to drinking. I feel better this time though. Some reason I feel my want to quit is stronger then my want to drink this time. You have lots of support here. Good luck!

noexcuse

I feel your pain, Riverfriend. Let me share a little with you... When I was 31, I was an alcoholic. Functioning, but an alcoholic. Nothing bad (other than money spent on booze or me embarassing myself) had happened. I am now 34. Still an alcoholic. I have been in a psych ward twice. Intensive outpatient twice. Arrested twice. Charged with battery to my husband. Had my kids taken away for a little over a week. Gotten a DUI. Crashed two cars. And, to be perfectly honest, most of these things have happened in 2013.

Trust me, it's not hard for everything to get worse.

RiverFriend

Thank you all so much for your words and support. For the first time I really am so thankful and aware that I am not alone in this fight and knowing you all are here makes such a huge difference. Noexcuse, I am really sorry to hear that these things have happened to you but thank you for sharing because I am 31 right now and feel like I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth and only a split second away from having big consequences if I continue drinking.
Lunchtime meeting was good and I may go to my home group tonight. I sometimes really hate going to meetings but mostly because I know it's where I belong. Accepting this and the seriousness of my illness is a step in the right direction as many of you have said.

Dee74

I used that line for years.
I think, honestly, it's a cop out.

What I really meant was I was scared of not drinking, and I wasn't prepared to make the lifestyle changes I needed to make.

Unfortunately while I didn't make those changes, I kept drinking, and things got worse.

You can stop any time you want, and I know a big part of you wants to or you wouldn't be here.

Get in touch with your sponsor, go back to meetings...
do whatever you need to to plug yourself in to recovery again.

I've never heard anyone say 'gee I quit too soon'...
I've seen a heck of a lot of people say 'I wish to God I'd quit sooner' tho.

D

least

Amen to that.

RiverFriend

Thanks for your wise words and for calling me out on that Dee Yeah, I'm certainly scared that I WON'T do it and continue failing as I have this past year. And Least, your post struck a chord in me because I just wrote a song called "Amen To That" - perhaps I'll focus the lyrics around this good fight.