Needing support of Spouse

Old 05-15-2013, 11:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Nashville TN
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Needing support of Spouse

Hi, I have been sober from alcohol and pot for a year tomorrow.

My question is are there any other members out there who's spouses support them by choosing to be sober, although never themselves being an alcoholic? My girlfriend (labled her "spouse" in title because I figured this would be the most relate able term for other members, and we are planning on getting married if our relationship continues) supported me in this way initially but has recently decided that she wants to drink at her own discretion and that it's not really her problem and she shouldn't be punished for my issues. Has anyone else dealt with this? It's not so much that I feel she needs to be completely abstinent from alcohol but rather I just miss having a partner in this and now I feel like I have a rival.

If it helps, a brief history of myself, my addiction and my sobriety: I was hopelessly addicted to pot for at least 5 years and progressively worse with alcohol before I stopped entirely on May 16th last year. My sobriety came about when my girlfriend (labled her "spouse" in title because I figured this would be the most relateable term for other members, and we are planning on getting married if our relationship continues) brought up her concerns with me drinking, specifically me lying about my drinking, and then I revealed to her my pot addiction which was substantially worse than my drinking and which I had hid from her completely for the year and a half that we were dating. I talked with a psychiatrist, went to 2 AA meetings (which I discontinued because I felt I couldn't relate to anyone there, if that makes sense) and have been sober for a year now.

Let me be sure to point out that me and my GF have a great relationship which sobriety has strengthened. We are very deeply in love and understand each other very well, we work out our problems very maturely and without a lot of fights, but last night it was like I was talking to a completely different person.

At first, my GF was very supportive of me and she chose to be sober with me. There were a few occasions (like her best friends wedding) a few months down the road where she asked me if I would be ok with her drinking to which I replied yes, as I wanted her to enjoy herself and not feel burdened by me. These instances would pop up from time to time with more and more frequency until now when she has pretty much resumed drinking at her own discretion. I tried bringing this up to her in a reasonable level headed manner last night and her response was very defensive, saying that I'm the alcoholic and have the problem and she shouldn't be punished for my problems.

I just don't know how to handle this, I've made it this far in non ideal situations for people trying to be sober (I play music downtown at bars 2-4 nights a week and am commonly bought beer and shots which I turn down, also my roommates drink and have beer and liquor in the house all the time) but I feel like I'm a child and not allowed to drink while she almost resents the fact that i have a problem. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

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Old 05-15-2013, 11:31 AM
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Dollyangel17's Avatar
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,219
My husband has offered to support me by being sober, but I don't want him to feel like he can never have a drink because I can't handle drinking myself.

He has never been much of a drinker...probably because he was always the one that had to drive my drunk a** around. He would typically have a couple beers (and I mean couple...2) on a Saturday night) only. Now I have asked that there be no booze brought into the house, (and he readily agreed) but if we go to a party or out to dinner, and he wants to have a drink...I don't expect him not to.

That's just my take on it.
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:37 AM
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EverySngleNight's Avatar
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 553
Well, if you guys are seriously considering marriage- this may be a good time to seek out short-term counseling, and work through the issue. My husband is sober with me, to support me now. I find myself in NO position to assess whether he has a problem. But, I DO (have a problem) and I'm super grateful for his support- especially so early on. However, I'm responsible for me and it's my choice to abstain. I have no intention of holding him accountable for my choices. It's on ME. You are able to abstain with a variety of different people around you in different situations, that are drinking. Why do you think it's more important for your sobriety, if SHE doesn't drink? I'd like to hear your thought process, to help me in the future if resentment arises in my relationship... TY.

Last edited by EverySngleNight; 05-15-2013 at 11:41 AM. Reason: Elaboration
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