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false accusations

Old 05-15-2013, 10:13 AM
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false accusations

So last night my husband is watching tv, I brush my teeth and get settled into bed and he says " you know you smell like alcohol"... Umm.. I hadn't been drinking. I told him I dont and that I hadn't even went anywhere to be able to get some. He said I was lying because my car was in a different spot. My mother in law had used my car to pick up his niece!!!
Hes never supported me or encouraged me but will be the first to try to humiliate me with my problem. So even when I'm doing well...it apparently still goes unnoticed =/

Anyone else delt with this? And how do you handle it?
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:26 AM
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He certainly doesn't seem very supportive of your sobriety. I hope as time goes by and you stay sober he will notice and be less abrasive in his treatment of you.
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:29 AM
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Oh that's too bad. Try not to let his suspicions get you down. You are doing great!
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:30 AM
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Not to point out the obvious, but did you use mouthwash?

Also - remember that it takes time to undo all the lies and problems we caused while we were drinking. Not sure about you but i promised to quit and didn't many times, both to myself and others. I certainly wouldn't be the least bit suprised if someone doubted me at some point - they certainly would have ample reason to do so.
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:33 AM
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when i feel others are not trusting me a pause and think of the number of years i hid stuff from them.
Thats how many years it will take to earn trust back.
We tend to think it should take a week and we are all better and they should be trusting us
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:03 AM
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Loving an alcoholic can be heartbreaking and after a while, we stop trusting them. It takes a while to rebuild trust. Alcoholism is a family disease, it does not affect just us but also those who care about us. There are good chances that your husband is a codependent (smelling you, checking out where you parked the car are all "micromanaging" controlling things that us codies do) and could probably benefit from going to CODA or Al Anon.
It seems that he is stuck at the stage of trying to control you and your drinking (even though you are now sober) and has not come to the realization that we (codependents) did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it.
Think of him as a sick person too and just let it go. This is how your alcoholism has impacted him and your relationship, it will probably take time to mend. In time, he might or might not get help and hopefully he will learn to trust you again.

Edited to add, I am a double winner (alcoholic AND codependent). I have never gone through this as the alcoholic but I have been on the other side of the fence as the hurt, distrustful, completely out of my mind codependent partner.

PPS: and no matter what you do, do not let his lack of trust affect you and end up drinking AT him using his attitude as an excuse to pick up (like he is not supportive, I ll show him). You would only end up hurting yourself.
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:05 AM
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As long as I know, thats all that matters.
xx
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:08 AM
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Like others I think we have to accept that trust takes longer to build than it takes to lose. I think there are probably good reasons that people don't easily trust alcoholics.
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Not to point out the obvious, but did you use mouthwash?

Also - remember that it takes time to undo all the lies and problems we caused while we were drinking. Not sure about you but i promised to quit and didn't many times, both to myself and others. I certainly wouldn't be the least bit suprised if someone doubted me at some point - they certainly would have ample reason to do so.
Yes... Undoing those lies is the tough part. My boyfriend still doesn't trust me fully. I promised him that if anything happens and I goof up my sobriety I will tell him... He does not believe me. But unfortunately I deserve that.

I've realized I can't get mad about the snide remarks, "pfttt. Yeah right." "sure... i've heard that excuse before."

I mean I COULD get mad. But it does no good. So I just strive on proving those people wrong. That's what keeps me up.

It's hard when you don't have support. Hang in there.
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:14 AM
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Justifiable distrust stemming from a spouse's substance abuse is one thing -- this, to me

Originally Posted by hrich1122 View Post
Hes never supported me or encouraged me but will be the first to try to humiliate me with my problem.
is something else entirely and suggestive of a relationship problem above and beyond alcohol abuse.

Do you think he would consider counseling?
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:14 AM
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Just keep on keeping on. You were not drinking, and that is what matters.
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:12 PM
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My wife accused me more than once of drinking after I had quit. Since I am now at almost a year of sobriety, she hasn't said something like that to me in a long time.
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Old 05-15-2013, 01:23 PM
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If you walk three days into the woods, it will take at least three days to walk back out.

This is clearly a trust issue. While humiliating you over your disease is in poor taste, he has likely earned the right to be suspicious. You need to show him through your actions and continued sobriety that you are committed to recovery. Hopefully over time he will come around.
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Old 05-16-2013, 10:27 AM
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THanks for your responses. I get it... I probably wouldn't trust me either. Im not really sure what Im looking for. I feel defeated when he says things like that. Like why am I trying?! I KNOW why I am but its frustrating having your effort go unnoticed.
I just feel alone.
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Old 05-16-2013, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by hrich1122 View Post
THanks for your responses. I get it... I probably wouldn't trust me either. Im not really sure what Im looking for. I feel defeated when he says things like that. Like why am I trying?! I KNOW why I am but its frustrating having your effort go unnoticed.
I just feel alone.
Well, we notice and you notice. That's a good reason for trying. Your body most likely notices too and thanks you for not drinking. I"m sure he notices too, but it takes time for all the resentment of past issues to completely go away. Just remember you are doing the right thing.
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Old 05-16-2013, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by hrich1122 View Post
THanks for your responses. I get it... I probably wouldn't trust me either. Im not really sure what Im looking for. I feel defeated when he says things like that. Like why am I trying?! I KNOW why I am but its frustrating having your effort go unnoticed.
I just feel alone.
Have you told him how it makes you feel?

After about 5yrs sober my wife began to trust that "I might make it". We had been together 25 yrs when I was drinking so what could I expect.

To say "You know, you smell like alcohol" really isn't that bad if indeed you do smell like alcohol. Just laugh it off and tell him it's a false alarm.

Be aware of how he feels smelling something "suspect". Respect and soothe each other.

How much continuous sobriety do you have?

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 05-16-2013, 10:45 AM
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Wow... sounds like my story. My husband has been sober for close to 30 years and has not an ounce of empathy for my struggle with sobriety. He quit one day and never went back. However, he still smokes pot but that's okay (he says) because it's not a problem. Whatever.

I feel your pain. I get accused or get the stink eye for any reason, no support whatsoever. Then he seemed hurt when I told him I couldn't talk to him because he is so judgmental... that's why I go to AA meetings, for help and understanding.

I do hear you and I'm in the same boat. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 05-16-2013, 10:48 AM
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Yeah it will take time but trust can be rebuilt. I know I have been sneaky many times with my drinking in the past.
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Old 05-16-2013, 12:36 PM
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As I've heard on this board, " They never throw you a parade for quitting."
Drinking is such a hard drug to overcome that it feels like you should get a parade when you quit. So, it is pretty disheartening to quit and not even get a pat on the back for it. Ultimately though,you are quitting for you and it has to be about you if you want it to be sustainable. So keep your chin up and we'll cheer for you!
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Old 05-16-2013, 12:51 PM
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Two nights ago I called a friend that I hadn't talked to in a long time. He told me he didn't appreciate me calling him only when I was drunk. That was before I explained to him that I had been sober for a while and intended to remain sober. His response to my sobriety was basically "yeah, sure". I forgave him for what he said and ended the conversation. What else can I do? Convincing people that we've changed our patterns will take time I guess.
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