Sober-clean long enough for a relationship?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Grungehead 
I know that in the past I have spoken in the past tense about things I did before I got sober. Not all of the time but occasionally. There is a saying that roughly goes like this: "those that fail to remember the past are doomed to repeat it".
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Join Date: May 2013
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Him and I had lunch today. Again he did a lot of refering to 'before'. He does it most every time we speak on the phone or see each other. He also will tell me bad things he did before being sober and some of them I would have prefered not to hear.
I thought dating him just meant excluding alcohol from our lives. I see it's much more than that...with him it's having his past sit with us at dinner table.
I thought dating him just meant excluding alcohol from our lives. I see it's much more than that...with him it's having his past sit with us at dinner table.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Charlotte1
Him and I had lunch today. Again he did a lot of refering to 'before'. He does it most every time we speak on the phone or see each other. He also will tell me bad things he did before being sober and some of them I would have prefered not to hear.
I thought dating him just meant excluding alcohol from our lives. I see it's much more than that...with him it's having his past sit with us at dinner table.
I thought dating him just meant excluding alcohol from our lives. I see it's much more than that...with him it's having his past sit with us at dinner table.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The Emerald City
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I think you deserve to know what your best friend is not telling you. If you're thinking about entering into a serious relationship, you deserve to know ALL of the facts,...all of them. After you know the facts, then you can make your own educated decision instead of guessing along the way. If it's serious enough for your friend to cut off your friendship, then it's serious enough for you to know. This is your life, not a game, and your friend should tell you what the serious issue is that he knows about this person.
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Join Date: May 2013
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By the way thank you all for your input it's very much appreciated.
My friend talks to me he just doesn't want to hear anything concerning my new man. It still feels like I lost his friendship though. Our conversations are all polite now, before we could confine in each other for everything.
No, I did not ask my new guy why he's opening up to me like this. He would probably answer because he wants to be honest and open.
My friend talks to me he just doesn't want to hear anything concerning my new man. It still feels like I lost his friendship though. Our conversations are all polite now, before we could confine in each other for everything.
No, I did not ask my new guy why he's opening up to me like this. He would probably answer because he wants to be honest and open.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 13
Charlotte 1
your interest in this guy is obvious. You need to trust your gut on this. The advice and opinions of others can very much "muddy the waters", I used to be told to "divorce that jerk" all the time, people who hear one side of the story don't know the other side, or maybe even the third side, "the truth". Your new friend obviously opened up to you, whether you have known him a few weeks (which by the way folks, you can get very very close in this amount of time depending on length of time spent), or months, he may be very very proud of where he is today in recovery versus 3 yrs ago, hence the details. I think it's amazing for a man to open up in such a way and not "hide" stuff, that's the real person you need to watch. As far as your friend....if he was a true buddy, he would have A). Told you exactly what this person had done that was so horrifying...B). Not dis-engaged in your friendship as a condition or ultimatum. As far as referencing his behavior as a potential violent perpetrator is going a little far at this point, it's going to show up eventually, I HARDLY think you are talking of marrying him next week...lol
at any rate-stay open minded and cautious. Past behaviors are indicators of future behaviors, HOWEVER, there is one caveat here...his past behavior was when he had the disease of alcoholism holding him hostage. If he truly is clean now, he is not that person he once was. If any alcoholic in recovery tells you otherwise, it's a façade. I've been following your post, I wish you luck!!!
your interest in this guy is obvious. You need to trust your gut on this. The advice and opinions of others can very much "muddy the waters", I used to be told to "divorce that jerk" all the time, people who hear one side of the story don't know the other side, or maybe even the third side, "the truth". Your new friend obviously opened up to you, whether you have known him a few weeks (which by the way folks, you can get very very close in this amount of time depending on length of time spent), or months, he may be very very proud of where he is today in recovery versus 3 yrs ago, hence the details. I think it's amazing for a man to open up in such a way and not "hide" stuff, that's the real person you need to watch. As far as your friend....if he was a true buddy, he would have A). Told you exactly what this person had done that was so horrifying...B). Not dis-engaged in your friendship as a condition or ultimatum. As far as referencing his behavior as a potential violent perpetrator is going a little far at this point, it's going to show up eventually, I HARDLY think you are talking of marrying him next week...lol
at any rate-stay open minded and cautious. Past behaviors are indicators of future behaviors, HOWEVER, there is one caveat here...his past behavior was when he had the disease of alcoholism holding him hostage. If he truly is clean now, he is not that person he once was. If any alcoholic in recovery tells you otherwise, it's a façade. I've been following your post, I wish you luck!!!
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