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The moments I KNEW...

Old 05-13-2013, 02:14 PM
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Smile The moments I KNEW...

The past 2 weeks (since I stopped drinking), I have been reflecting back on certain times that my alcoholism was glaring me in the face:

Moment #1: The first time I took a drink in the morning before work

Moment#2: The first time I sat in a bathroom stall at work and drank a nip of brandy

Moment#3: The first time I walked into the liquor store and the brandy was already on the counter because the clerk saw me pull up.

Moment#4 : Seeing my 6 year old set the table for a “tea party”, but instead of tea cups placed wine glasses all around

Moment#5: The first time I quietly vomited in a sand bucket while in bed so my daughter and husband wouldn’t hear me

Shockingly, I still did not quit right after any of these moments. I knew I was an alcoholic, but kept banking on “more time” before I really had to quit.
Well, it didn’t come until my husband finally confronted me about my drinking. He had called Alcoholics Anonymous to get advice on how to bring it up for me. I knew that moment was coming, and to be quite honest…I was kind of relieved. Now the elephant in the room was out, and I was forced to face it.

It hasn’t been easy, and I know things can get much harder, but I am determined. I was no longer happy, and hated looking in the mirror…not only at my physical appearance (I looked like Hell), but also didn’t want to face my inner weakness.

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks for me, and I just want to say thank you to SR for helping me stay focused these last 14 days.
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Old 05-13-2013, 02:43 PM
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Good job!!! You should be very proud of yourself!

Keep it going
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Old 05-13-2013, 02:56 PM
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I know just what you mean.

There are many things that let me know I was an alcoholic, but for a long time I did nothing. I knew when:
  1. I drank in the mornings
  2. Later I started really craving alcohol in the mornings, not occasionally indulging in the mornings.
  3. I'd be drinking a couple of drinks at a time. I'd have a beer and a glass of liquor.
  4. I started drinking while driving.
  5. I had to go to the ER once.
  6. I spent the night on the bathroom floor once.
  7. I passed-out sitting up on the floor once.
  8. The list goes on and on.

I think part of me was secretly wishing somebody would tell me I had a problem and needed to change. Eventually, it became obvious that wasn't going to happen and it was too painful to continue on.

Keep up your good work. 2 weeks is super.
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by DG0409 View Post
There are many things that let me know I was an alcoholic, but for a long time I did nothing.
This was me. I knew I was an alcoholic for a long time I just did not want to do anything about it.
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:06 PM
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Such a good Post .. It has made me think of posting such a list as to show myself my commitment to being sober; being as I really very rarely open up any ..Just don't wanna high jack your Post :p .... Again Thanx ...
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:40 PM
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This is a great post and made me think about my own list as well as what others might put down. Might be worthy of its own thread. I can't start one now as I am running from the office to a meeting but maybe someone else will? If not, perhaps I will when I get back here later tonight.

Thanks Dollyangel for the thought and your honesty!! Glad you're doing so well, two weeks is awesome!
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:53 PM
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Great post.. In a weird way I think it's important to see the gift of perspective and know these things are in the past. We can't beat ourselves up forever but look to a bright future. Can I just say your husband sounds so supportive to seek the advice he did, to raise with you, which was obviously done with love and so great to know you have this support from him and us! Well done on 2 wks!!
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Old 05-13-2013, 05:09 PM
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Thanks all. It feels good telling other people how this disease allowed me to ignore such neon sign evidence that I had a problem.

As supportive and wonderful my husband is....and he truly is, I can't yet verbalize all this to him yet. He was aware of some of it of course, but not all. And although he wouldn't judge me, I am afraid of seeing the shock and disbelief in his eyes, because that would hurt.

I am telling him more bit by bit, and thankfully he is very patient. In the meantime, it's nice to have you all to as well.
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Old 05-13-2013, 05:16 PM
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Your doing really well. Keep posting your progress
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Old 05-13-2013, 05:26 PM
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It sounds like you're doing well.

It's surprising how we can adjust to our alcoholic behaviour, even though we know it's wrong.
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Old 05-13-2013, 05:31 PM
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Great post, Dolly. So proud of you for your 2 weeks sober.

I did all those things, and much more shameful stuff. Somehow I justified it for years. As you said, in the end we aren't even happy or having fun. It feels so good to be free.
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Old 05-13-2013, 06:00 PM
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That's great! Many more sober weeks to come.

For me I didn't want to admit it for over 20 years since I was functioning and progressing in life. When I started noticing I had a problem and had to stop was:

1. Very close friends started asking me if everything was ok. They actually told me I was drinking a lot more and they were concerned about me.

2. To get going on a Saturday morning after a Friday night binge I was keeping a bottle of Vodka in the freezer and slugging some back right from the bottle to get going.

3. I tried not to drink much during the week but come Friday I was home showered and out the door to the watering hole and within the first half hour would down 6 SoCo and cokes to get the night rolling.

Looking back I realize I had a problem for years:

1. Never a Saturday I wasn't hung over.

2. Never a Holiday I wasn't hung over.


I missed a lot of good time with family because I was hungover and sick on Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. I was there but barely. Now on Holidays for Family events I'm the first one there
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Old 05-14-2013, 06:00 AM
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Thanks for that honest post dolly. It made me think of my own list, similar to yours in many ways, but somehow I too was able to ignore the obvious signs for awhile, wasn't ready or willing to really face it I guess. But I am so thankful I stopped before anything devastating happened to me or my family, because that is where things were headed. Great job, keep it going!!
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Old 05-14-2013, 06:07 AM
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How about hiding the booze in the filing cabinets at work? Think that might have been a sign for me? Somehow I rationalized it.

Great job on 2 weeks!
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Old 05-14-2013, 06:14 AM
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Thanks for your post Dolly! I had plenty of signs...just didn't want to stop drinking since it killed my anxiety and stress. Now day 16 sober and both of those are gone...here are my signs:

1) Waking up and not knowing where I was
2) Calling in sick because of hangover
3) Starting to drink at 9 am to kill the hangover
4) Taking a lunch break from work and going to take few shots to stop the shakes
5) Waking up with my angle twisted or thigh bruised up not knowing how it happened
6) Getting arrested for DUI

It's amazing how far I needed to go until I really wanted to quit...
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Old 05-14-2013, 06:34 AM
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- The time I found myself walking around outside my house in the middle of the night with no shoes on with no memory of how I had gotten there.
- The night I was convinced that I had gone totally insane from a foolish combination of alcohol and psychedelics.
- The mornings I woke up at home but had no memory of driving home. Worst feeling in the world.

And so forth. It freaks me out to even think about it.
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Old 05-14-2013, 06:57 AM
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Tha is to everyone for posting this! I've been thinking about a glass of wine lately.... Think I am going to reconsider that.
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Old 05-14-2013, 07:01 AM
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Yes...it's amazing how we all rationalize these things. Almost every night I promised myself I would NOT drink in the mornings anymore, yet each morning the first thought of the day was getting downstairs before my husband to I would have a few minutes to pour my drink and find an appropriate hiding place for my glass....spice cabinet, Tupperware cabinet, below the bathroom sink (I would spend a LONG time in the bathroom putting my make up on).

Through all that, I would ask myself.."why am I doing this? I don't even enjoy it!"...and then I would raise the glass to my lips yet again.

I wish you all the best in your continuing fight against this disease!
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Old 05-14-2013, 07:44 AM
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Dolly definitely not alone there! I did that too, I had a few hiding places that I could take a sip here and there when my other half was there. Often got thru a whole bottle without him knowing! (Although I'm sure he did!!) this has been in the last few months and from being on SR and getting a different perspective can see now how dysfunctional and dangerous this behaviour is. Lets hope we find the strength to learn new healthy habits be well x
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Old 05-14-2013, 08:04 AM
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Arrested three times, wrecked two cars, drank in the morning, laying out of work, anxiety....you name it! DUH...THINK YA MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM? I will say though at 46 after quitting I feel better than ever!
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