First blackout.
 

I'm recovering from my first blackout and feeling all sorts of emotions from confusion to regret and even shame. I did some crazy out of character s***. My friend is not talking to me and, well, its not helping. I don't think she understands that I completely blacked out and cannot remember.

I vowed from Friday that I would never touch a drop again

while in a blackout
 

That's the thing with blackouts. We do horrible things and others don't understand that we don't remember. And, of course, we have to take responsibility for the things we did.

I had blackouts too and it was the scariest thing.

I hope you decide to live a sober life.

I have blackouts often apparently. I have friends on Facebook that I have no recollection of adding. I check my text messages to see what I've sent. Often times I am embarrassed and ashamed. Only way to feel better about it is to give up the bottle. That's the hard part but it will be so worth it. Just know you're not alone.

Black outs are very scary. The next morning those horrid thoughts of "what did I do? What did I say?" are swirling around in my head. It turns out that most of the time when I would black out, according to other people, I'd just get really quiet. It's a feeling I never want to repeat. Never!

Hang in there. I hope your friend talks to you soon. I don't know if your friend understands what happens during a black out. I've had to explain it to people in the past. Thank you for posting.

I know what you are going through. I started having short blackouts in my twenties. I am now 31 and whenever I drank (before getting sober 2 weeks ago) I would blackout, and they would get increasingly longer, sometimes hours. It only gets worse.

I decided I could no longer live with the anxiety and shame, and the fear that one day - any day - I would do something that could never be forgiven and forgotten (I am still amazed at the things I did manage to forget/suppress and that others managed to forgive).

SR has been incredibly helpful for me, I could not have come this far without the incredibly kind, supportive and insightful people on here.

Blackouts are to be taken seriously, and are a sign that you have a problem with alcohol, and - from my experience - that things are getting worse. I hope you will stay on here. I so wish I would have stopped drinking after my first blackout, it would have saved me, and the people I love, a lot of pain.

Thanks for all your messages. I am sorry to hear that you have all been through this - its not nice at all. I need to move on with this revelation and have decided that it's not a case that I shouldn't drink: I CANNOT DRINK. These are two very different things.

I had such a bad reaction that I forgot getting naked in a girl's flat, was aggressive with people to the point they called the police and then I got beat up. I remember NONE of this. I have never considered myself with having a problem with booze then *BAM* Thursday happened.

In a strange way it's probably a good thing this has happened to me, as I now know that alcohol and me do not mix.

I just need to hope that my friend will understand one day.

I sent her flowers and a card but she is not talking to me at all so all I can do now is just hope that she will forgive me.

First, I think I need to forgive myself.

Thanks for your replies

I dont know if you have attended an AA meeting at all (today will be my 9th) but the meetings I have gone to have talked about this alot. Some people do blackout and they say its an allergy, an illness that is why it happens. You physically cant drink and it gets worse as any allergy does that goes untreated. It has been a really new way of thinking for me but if you think about it its true...
Ive blacked out many times but it didnt happen when I started to drink. The more I drank the more it happened. Its awful becuase we dont remember anything.
Angie

I have not been but I have been in touch with a helpline and through them I was able to put my name down for counselling. I am taking this very serious as I could have been seriously hurt and put my friend in some serious danger too.

I am so thankful that I woke up in my own bed with probably the biggest fright of my life and not the biggest regret of my life.

Thursday could have been the end for me and instead its the end for alcohol, which I think I'll be eternally grateful for.

In the bigger picture its just not worth it. We are all able to do it together.

xxx

Mushroom. I'm coming up to 3 months sober. I've been a serious nightly wine drinker which began about 7 years ago. I started this habit at age 40! Before that I was a normal drinker. It progressed over the last 7 years. I had my first Blackout 2 years ago, and with no knowledge of blackouts, I just put it down to being drunk and not remembering much. It happened a few more times in past year and I was confused waking up (so to speak) in midst of bar that I had no re-collection of going to. This scared the hell outta me, and helped me make the decision to just STOP.

Reading here, we new comers learn so much and with all the support, it has really helped me refrain from picking up. It has not been easy, and can honestly say I'd not have gotten this far without SR. Life saviour! and F2F meetings. I really could not have done it alone. I've made sobriety my priority, it comes before ANYTHING in my life right now. It has to, in order for me to succeed. I wish you all the best, and get all the help you can, because I can relate to your pain and fear, and it can feel so lonely. Meeting like minders, for me takes away the loneliness of this disease. Best wishes x

Angie, thanks for your explanation of a Blackout. Never thought of it that way. Allergy - makes so much sense, to me.

The first time I drank, when I was 12, I blacked out. They were a permanent issue for me regularly when I drank. Not nice.

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

I am finding it pretty hard to accept I did those awful things. It's really scary and my friend is upsetting me a lot too as she is really not interested. She knows how out of character that was for me and her silence makes me feel like she is judging me and blaming me.

It's such a massive paradox, really. It was me that did those things but it wasn't at the same time. I was not conscious of it happening: how does one make another person who has never experienced this understand!?

Thanks again for all the kind words

I'm sure it's hard to accept what happened but it seems like you've learned a huge lesson from it. If your friend is a friend she will start talking to you again. What you've gone through must be horrible. I know what it feels like to wake up after a blackout. There is no worse feeling in the world. You'll heal from this. Be well, hang in there, and never give up.

Give your friend time. For now work on staying sober and I bet she'll notice and respect that you recognize you have a drinking problem and are working hard to overcome it.

Miss Mushroom - BTDT. My bff is not speaking to me right now either due to my stupidity over a week ago drinking. I know that she will come around, but she's been privy to more than she should. A lot of people have seen or heard more than they should while I was drunk. I too feel guilt, shame, embarrassment. There is nothing that I can do at this point except apologize and quit drinking.

I know that harsh judgement or criticism does not help me, it only pushes me down further. I have a choice, I can either drink and make that feeling go away for a while. Or I can pull myself up by my bootstraps, put one front of the other and PROVE that the drunk person that said/did those awful things is not who I am at the core. It was the alcohol talking.

Hugs to you and be gentle on yourself. It's a fragile state that we are in right now. While I don't blame my bff at all for her current choice in not speaking to me, I cannot dwell on it right now, it will only make me sink further. HTH.

Thank you lovely people

x

Hey MissMushroom, how are you doing? Hope you're feeling better.

Very good post MagRich, thank you.

Well if it's really scary for you, imagine how scary it must be for your friend.

My last escapade that brought me back here involved a partial Blackout. I remember bits and pieces. I only experienced blackouts for about the last six months or so of my drinking. The thing that was different for me was that I didn't really feel any guilt or shame the next morning, but I Knew more than ever before That I Should not Drink. Remorse shame and anxiety set in in the next couple of days. Blackouts are scary and our body's are trying to tell us something. I listened.