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Any and all help! Please talk to me!

Old 05-12-2013, 03:58 PM
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Unhappy Any and all help! Please talk to me!

I am a mess. Please, provide any and all practical and no nonsense advise and direction.

The Scenario

Merged family. 6 years, 5 people, 4 cats, 2 dogs.

Me, the husband, 45, with a 25 yr. old son.
Wife, 44, 23 yr. daughter (addict), 18 yr. old son.

We own a business that our 2 older children also work at.

6 years ago the daughter ran off with a boy, was arrested, admitted to a problem with pot. Came hme, continued to be destructive, verbally abusive, manipulative and getting into one scape after another.

After 3 years we sent her to a one year treatment program, not sanctioned by the province, but our own pocket. She spent 1 year there. Once completed all she wanted to do now was drink as started to do it at home. My wife knew and didn't tell me. My daughter was also smoking in her room in the house. "If you won't respect me, why would I respect you?" That is what she said when I confronted her. She feels we are equal. Part of the agreement of her returning home was that she would also attend AA. She did because it was my stipulation. Problem is she also met a 42 year old who had to attend AA as a bail requirement. As soon as his case was dealt with and he didn't have to go anymore, neither did she.

Next thing I know, my wife has agreed to let him stay over with my daughter in her room right next to mine. Furthermore, walking into my house, his first time into my house, all I heard was pop of the cans of beer as my daughter proceeds to drown down a 26 ounce of vodka in 4 hours. He is a drunk, twice her age almost and a mere 3 years younger than me and she is now riddled with an addiction once again. She is addicted to being addicted in my opinion. everything she gets involved with is over the top. Remember, she also works with us, rather, for us. But, you would think it the other way around. Yes, I have resentment now.

Last weekend I lost it. Everything they do goes against my moral grain. My wife accused me of being a prude. My daughter accuses me of having my head up my sons backside and that I can't see anything wrong with him. We get along. He doesn't have addictions or disrupt the home. Yet, I am supposed to get mad at him for the sake of it at 25??? The is a constant comparison between her and him. When there shouldn't be at all!

I am beyond pissed off. I feel that my manhood has been removed non-surgically and that I am married to my wife and step-daughter. The reason is because if I get into a discussion, or argument, with my wife, my daughter comes down and lights right into me about it too.

Please, talk to me, I will read it all I assure you! I love my wife and all our kids, if I didn't I wouldn't have stayed, but I am fed up and need changes now.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:16 PM
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You cannot control them, only yourself and how you react to them.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:16 PM
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You're not crazy. This is a terrible situation and any sane person would not tolerate this kind of thing. Sounds like you're at your wits' end and I don't blame you. Your wife sounds like a co-dependent and your daughter's boyfriend is an enabler. If I were you I'd be equally frustrated! There is a friends&family forum here that is full of "no-BS" advice and they will probably post here for you also.

I'd say kicking your daughter out is the first step and should be done sooner rather than later. As to how, I'm sure someone here has experience/ideas. Sorry to hear about this, you are right to check out this site, it's very helpful.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:25 PM
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Hi DadofOne. I'm glad you found us.

You may also want to post about this in our friends and family section of the forum. Here is the link:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Best to you.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:30 PM
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Thanks-Some Clarity on Timeine

My daughter addictions began or were ongoing when I started to see her mom back in 2007.

This has went on for years now. The new boyfriend has slept over for 7 weekends since we moved into our new house.

They go through 2 cases of beer a 26 oz and a Mickey between a fri-sat.

Now they are apparently looking at a place to move in together. But yes, co dependency is in full bloom.

I do also want to point out that My daughters' real father died at 43 of anxiety, as I've been told, when she had just rediscovered him and started using him as her bank at the time. She was only 14. She carries guilt with that memory.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:32 PM
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Originally Posted by DadofOne View Post
Next thing I know, my wife has agreed to let him stay over with my daughter in her room right next to mine.
No ******* way I'd ever allow that. He's 42 and an addict? Do you know anything about this guy? What if he harms your family?

IMO, that was the point where you had to put your foot down. I believe it's time to cut yourself off from the step-daughter. For me it would be simple: either the step-daughter is out the door or I would be out the door--and washing my hands of the whole mess.

I know that is a tough decision, but that girl is an adult, it's time she starts acting like one. You've given her more than enough chances.

Last edited by Dee74; 05-12-2013 at 05:24 PM.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:38 PM
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This sounds like an awful situation and the level of dysfunction between the addiction of your daughter and the codependency of your wife has skewed the goal posts on what a normal perspective/reaction is for you. Have you considered family therapy or alanon for the whole family? I'm sorry you are goin through this and wish the best to you.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:40 PM
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The Boyfriend

Yes I know all about him.

Was married for 16 yrs and has a 17 yr old daugher himself. (6 yrs younger than mine)

Was charged with threatening death to daughter and ex wife and received bail. Conditions were to stay away from them, abstain from alcohol and attend AA. He complied. Was found guilty and sentenced, being his first conviction, to 3 years probation.

He works seasonally, makes 27/hr, but it is seasonal in a quarry and he has a trade 10 education. He is completely estranged rom his daughter, and my daughter as she would ave a huge problem if he wanted anything to do with her after " her and her _ _ _ _ ing mother had him put in jail for nothing"

He as been loving with his 74 yr old mom and alcoholic 75 yr old dad.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:40 PM
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I am now 21 years old. When I was 17 my mom had me arrested and removed from her house as a result of harmful behaviors I was engaging in, both drug/alcohol related and not. After 7 months behind bars I moved back in, by behavior was no better, and being 18 she told me to leave. I went through homelessness, moved to a different state, then another state. I bounced around with no direction or foundation. Experienced many bad things. But at the end of it all, I am truly grateful that my mom didn't continue to enable me. I wouldn't be in recovery today, looking at a bright future.

Today being mothers day, I called my mom earlier. We have a relationship today. A good one, too. I truly love her, and I now know that all along she loved me and was doing what was best for me, and the family.

I encourage you to not do the easy thing, but the best thing for all involved. If she doesn't see her problem and what it is doing, if she doesn't stop and move into the solution to a better future herself, then all you can do is let her go, in my opinion and experience. It won't be pleasant. It won't be easy. But it will be for the best.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:42 PM
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We tried alanon, but only myself and the two boys were supportive, and our youngests analogy now is " the worse I do, the more I will be rewarded!"
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:42 PM
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Family therapy will not work because your wife and daughter are calling the shots.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:45 PM
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Dad, if what you say is true about this guy, he and the daughter would out the door, today. IMO, anything short of that simply will not work. The odds of the daughter or him changing are almost zero. They will only change when they want or need to. Al Anon, or counseling would be a waste of time and money IMO. Sorry, but that's the truth as I see it. You seem like a decent guy, you don't deserve that kind of treatment.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:50 PM
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The boys

Because we all work our family business we are all so often engaged. Our youngest is maturing well, however, last weekend the two boysulled me into the garage for a powwow. I encourage them to talk to me as I believe it's an outlet for them at least.

They both expressed how uncomfortable they are and how they are also tired of "living her life" with her. Her mouth goes all time. When she isn't wither boyfriend they're on the phone all night. She neglects her chores, and when she does do them, gripes about it to the boys. She bad mouthsme how I am always giving her crap but not the and how I am always angry and that I offend her.

The boys are clearly disgusted with her and her own blood brother said to me that day that he don't even like her at all. He said he didn't want to use the word hate, but that for sure, he couldn't stand her. He also said that he couldn't sleep with a girl with the parents in the next room that've felt it would not only feel odd but disrespectful unless he was married to her. I was so happy to see some moral grounding in the house. The oldest, he just shakes his head. He can't believe that I have sat back all these years and he feels I am also very angry. Ido yell a lot and am miserable, I know it. I can't even be intimate with my wife based on this dissection of our morals. She called me a prude!

Sorry, but I am not into listening to my child ruttingwith a man twice her age. To me there is something very sick about it all!
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by DadofOne View Post
Ido yell a lot and am miserable, I know it. I can't even be intimate with my wife based on this dissection of our morals. She called me a prude!
I feel for you. If not wanting some 42 year-old addict in your home with your daughter makes you a prude, then you're a prude. Of course, most of us know, that there is nothing prudish about that view--it's just normal. IMO, you're wife is looking for a reason to excuse her daughter's behavior. It's a normal reaction, but she's making you out to be the bad guy, when it's her daughter who's in the wrong.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:56 PM
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It sounds to me like her perspective of reality is a little off. I stick to what I previously posted. People generally have to learn the hard way. The truest definition of loving another that I have heard is doing something for another to help them in a truly unselfish way. Enabling is not helping. This is not a free-ride world, from my hard learned experience. Providing a free-ride is enabling someone to continue living without earning their living.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:59 PM
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I think you know what you need to do, but you hesitate to make the decision.

The girl and her boyfriend have to go. They are both dangerous and disrespectful.

You need a boundary to protect yourself from the toxic environment in your home, including your relationship with your wife.
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Old 05-12-2013, 05:13 PM
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I think they have to leave. They are in active alcoholism and he was charged with threatening to death.
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Old 05-12-2013, 05:14 PM
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Agreed on all points. I think I will see over the next two weeks if she does move out. If not, then it's a me or her situation, regardless of the fact that she does her job at work as this is constantly thrown at me by them both.
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Old 05-12-2013, 05:16 PM
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Hi Dad. I am so sorry that all of this is happening. It is time for you to make the decision, and to act on it. The daughter, and boyfriend will have to leave. If your wife doesn't like it, well she can also leave. You have to hold your ground, and do what is right for you, and the other children involved. I would not allow any of this to take place in my home any longer. You are not being a prude.... or whatever word was used. You are doing the right thing, and being a responsible individual. Personally, I would hand the daughter her last paycheck, and let her know that she is on her own.
Once again, I am sorry that you are in this mess. I do hope that you stick around with us. Let us know how you are doing.
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Old 05-12-2013, 05:18 PM
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DadofOne - I'm so glad you posted here. Even though the circumstances are awful, at least you aren't alone - you can vent and discuss things here with us. (As was already mentioned, the Friends & Family Forum has many people with similar situations.)

I'm happy you reached out for help and advice. I hope you'll feel better by relieving some of the anxiety.
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