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How do I fix it?

Old 05-12-2013, 09:14 AM
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How do I fix it?

I am new to this whole forum. I have been reading through posts trying to pull from all of your experienced to try and solve my problem and, well, I don't think anyone has f'd up as royally as I have...
Just to give some background.... I am 2mos clean with the aid of Suboxone. I was in an IOP program for six weeks until I couldn't miss anymore work so I got kicked out for missing too many sessions. I had a plan in place to start seeing a counselor 1 on 1 and go to a recovery group once a week. I was also spending a lot of time with another friend in recovery. Therapy is something that i have come to rely on. I have a lot of stuff going on and I don't want to get into too many details but to sum it up.... my 2 children and 2 step children have been staying at their other parents' houses because of my addiction. iT IS KILLING ME and putting a huge strain on my marriage. I was doing all that I could to maintain my sobriety. Things were going well.

My 1 on 1 counselor bailed on me 2 weeks in a row. I found myself spending more and more time with my friend in recovery only to find out that she was actually using. She called me one day desperate because she was in withdrawals. She asked me if I had a Sub to spare. I didn't. She was crying and begging me. I told her I might know someone that had something and I would look into it. So, I texted a friend asking if he had any "goodies". By some unfortunate twist of cyberspace craziness the text went to my SON'S phone....he and my daughter went to my husband with this....my husband, the one who has stood by me through all of this....when he confronted me with it I panicked and lied. I said I didn't know what he was talking about. I was so afraid that there was no way he would believe I wasn't looking for drugs for myself.

Well, I couldn't maintain the lie and I fessed up that indeed I sent the text looking for drugs but that they were for my friend. my husband didn't believe me because I had already lied to him.... So he confronted my "friend". And what did she do? Lied! My husband threatened to tell her parents who told her if they found out she was using they would kick her out of their house. So she lied. When I confronted her about it she said "Sorry, I had to protect myself". Awesome... No good deed goes unpunished!

I know I never should have put myself in that position. I guess I really didn't look at all the things that could have gone wrong with the scenario. The big problems now are this....even though I all of the drugs screens I have taken for the last 2mos have been negative except for my meds....my husband questions my sobriety. Because of the text so do all of the kids and their other parents. I AM NOT USING. If anything this was a wake up call to me that maybe I need to be more serious about my recovery and only concentrate on me. Maybe this whole thing is my HP screaming at me. But how do I fix what damage this whole incident caused??!!

My kids have been gone for 2 months. My husband is threatening me with divorce if I don't fix this and fix it fast and get the kids home....I don't know what I can do. No one will talk to me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:20 AM
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The only way is to stop causing damage.

I strongly suggest you commit to your NA program and follow the oldtimers advice.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:21 AM
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Hi there

Is there any way whatsoever that you can get some kind of drug test soon to prove to him that you have stayed sober? stick to your story because it is the TRUTH! Liars always change their stories all the time so you stay honest and stick to the truth and keep reminding him that you have been honest. You have had drug tests which showed you are clean so that should satisfy him.

I know this might sound a little crazy or even a bit silly but heck if it came down to it maybe a lie detector test!
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:23 AM
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I have the results from the drug test I took the day after the whole s**t storm happened....negative for all drugs...
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by 2granddaughters View Post
The only way is to stop causing damage.

I strongly suggest you commit to your NA program and follow the oldtimers advice.

All the best.

Bob R
I went to my first NA meeting in a long time last night. There were so many things said that made me finally get the HP thing. For so long I didn't believe there was an HP. The more I think the more I believe that my HP is what made this happen to make me realize I need to take my recovery more seriously...
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:26 AM
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try staying away from slippery places, situations and people.

focus on recovery and stick with a group of people.
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:28 AM
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Welcome to SR! Thank you for sharing your story. I can see how this is a very hard situation. In my opinion, I think that the only thing that you can do, is to keep walking the straight line that you are on. There is nothing to be done about the past. It was not the best move, and it has caused problems. Being honest about it, which you were, is the best thing. In time, things will smooth over. We can only hope. Focus on your recovery, and do not help others with meds or trying to fix their problem. This "Friend" does not sound like a friend to me. Keep on pushing through. We are here for you. I really hope that things improve. They always do with time, and with diligence into the right areas.
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:29 AM
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Hmmm this is indeed a very tricky situation! I mean you have the PROOF that you have not used yet he still doubts you!

I guess the only bit of friendly advice i can give you is to NEVER look for ' goodies ' for a friend! But you already know that now.

I will say it again, keep to your story because it is the truth and drill it home to him!

2granddaughters gave very good advice aswell, stick to the programme let him see through your ACTIONS that you are not using and in time he should believe you!

I truly hope this works out for you and congratulations on staying sober!
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:58 AM
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I guess I am really worried that I will not be able to "fix" things with the kids and their other parents. I need them to know all the work I have been doing hasn't just gone out the window. The problem is no one will talk to me. Both of the other parents only want confrontation. Whenever I try to talk to them all they do is yell at me and not listen. I thought of writing a letter to each of them and including all of my drug tests to prove my sobriety. I honestly don't know if this will work...
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Old 05-12-2013, 10:11 AM
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A letter sounds like a good idea, along with the drug tests, that way they can read the leter, see the proof infront of them without the shouting and drama
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Old 05-12-2013, 10:54 AM
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I'm not sure you should focus too much on fixing things because I don't know that you can. It sounds like the people in your life are very angry and just need to deal with this in their own way. I think your energy would be best focused on staying sober today and from here on and allow them to see the changes in your life.

A huge lesson for you - the friend needs to go. This is why it's so very important to get toxic people out of your life.

Have faith that you can get through this and allow your family the time they need to deal with it.
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Old 05-12-2013, 11:21 AM
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Anna is absolutely right. Stop seeking the approval and forgiveness of family members you have already let down and focus on your own recovery. Over time, sobriety and good actions may improve your relationships. Ditch all "friends" who are needy and unsupportive.
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Old 05-12-2013, 11:36 AM
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yes, let their reactions and approval go and work on your recovery.

And honestly...you're surprised that your friend lied? addicts lie. That's why husband, kids etc think you are lying. Because they've been lied to before. And lied to about being lied to.

Aslo, you are surprised your friend lied, but you were going around trying to secure drugs for an addict. Just something to think about. Friends don't get drugs for friends. I mean if you take a step back and look at this...see, I wasn't getting drugs for me, I was getting them for a friend in recovery...

I believe you, I just wanted to point out how in so many ways this sounds fishy to everyone else.

Stop having anything to do with drugs period. Commend people to their higher powers. You are not anyone's HP. If a friend calls needing drugs...they have the wrong number. You are not a drug dealer either.

You are someone clean, who is serious about your own recovery. Act like that, BE that, and it will all come out OK.
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Old 05-12-2013, 12:52 PM
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Thank you all for your honesty and advice. I know the whole situation is ridiculous and I never should have put myself in that position. I understand the anger and distrust that my family is feeling. I have given my children a lot of space and time over the last 2mos. I was just getting to the point where I felt I had shown through my steps in recovery that I was serious about my recovery. This is a major setback in that regard. Even though I have proof that I am not using they think I was looking to use.

Unfortunately, my husband has made it very clear that if I don't do something concrete to fix this then he is going to divorce me. I know focusing on my recovery is paramount but I want and need my family....they are all I have :-/.
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Old 05-13-2013, 07:21 AM
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So my husband is speaking to me again and seems to be getting over some of his anger. He suggested that I text his ex and request a sit down so that I can explain to her all the things that I have been doing to maintain my sobriety and to explain the text because as you can probably guess she thinks I'm using again. I have all my drug screens to show I'm not. Unfortunately, the last time I tried to talk to her it was a disaster. She ended up taking over the conversation which ended up in her just screaming at me....
So....I need some advice on how to approach her. I don't know if a letter is a better option??
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Old 05-13-2013, 07:24 AM
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Personally i would say a letter is the better option, Being face to face with her with all those emotions running high could lead to shouting matches...... Not good! So i suggest a letter
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:18 AM
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Hi Frampbell...

I don't know if this helps...but read up on sabotage...not only self-sabotage...but how others will sabotage your well being for their own agenda.

This is what I am learning.

The best hon
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:20 AM
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Congratuations on your clean time. Two months is awesome. But I also imagine it is just a tiny percentage of your using time, so it is going to take more than a couple months to undo the ravages of your addiction.

But time--CLEAN time--will mend much of the damage. Work your recovery, connect with you HP, prayer, and an attitude of gratitude.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:21 AM
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Why have any contact with her at all right now? What would it accomplish? When and if your husband is convinced that you are sober, let HIM have the conversation with her about letting his kids stay at your house.
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:33 AM
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I'd agree with the last few posters Frampbell. That's a great sign that your husband is communicating again. I'd hold off on pushing to set up meetings/fix all these issues until time heals the wounds. We can't just "fix" all the damage we've done in the past with a few meetings or text message. If people approach you directly to talk about the issues, then by all means share if you feel comfortable - but personally I don't think pushing the issue is going to help anything.
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