Hope and fear
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Nuremberg, Germany
Posts: 3
Hope and fear
Well, here I am... feeling at the same time helpless but hopeful.
It was only yesterday that I read the terms "PAWS" for the first time. I did a little research and found soberrecovery. I liked the way everyone shares their experiences, the respectful way of interaction so much, that I wanted to be part of this community.
I drank for a long time, either vodka or cognac. When Mom died after a long illness in 2011, and I ramped consumption up; then when my husband - an alcoholic as well - died suddenly last May it was "all over but the cryin'" as the saying goes. One bottle of cognac per day, as documents and bills piled up, some of the envelopes unopened, the apartment unkempt. Then came the news that our company will be closed because it is being moved to another country.
Most likely I would have kept on drinking, although I knew I had a huge problem. My abdomen was distended, I felt and looked lousy, there was so much shame attached to my drinking that I let old friendships die. I never had drinking buddies, only drank at home, alone.
Then I caught cold and went to the family doctor. She took my BP, and it was 200/100. She looked at me and asked about my alcohol consumption. That was the moment I realized there was no use in hiding it any longer. It was actually a freeing moment to say out loud "I'm an alcoholic, please help me" as tears came to my eyes.
I went to a 10-day detox at the end of March. So far I feel fine, but worry about possible relapse, especially as unemployment looms ahead. At my age, I have little chances on the employment market, being only a few years away from retirement. On the other hand, unemployment benefits here for people my age last two years, and then I hope to be able to take early retirement. So, the loss of the high-pressure job may be a blessing in disguise by giving me the freedom to take care of myself in the peace of the apartment (now clean), no overtime hours, no work-related calls on the weekend.
Sorry for going on like that, but it feels so good to be able to put my thoughts on the table.
It was only yesterday that I read the terms "PAWS" for the first time. I did a little research and found soberrecovery. I liked the way everyone shares their experiences, the respectful way of interaction so much, that I wanted to be part of this community.
I drank for a long time, either vodka or cognac. When Mom died after a long illness in 2011, and I ramped consumption up; then when my husband - an alcoholic as well - died suddenly last May it was "all over but the cryin'" as the saying goes. One bottle of cognac per day, as documents and bills piled up, some of the envelopes unopened, the apartment unkempt. Then came the news that our company will be closed because it is being moved to another country.
Most likely I would have kept on drinking, although I knew I had a huge problem. My abdomen was distended, I felt and looked lousy, there was so much shame attached to my drinking that I let old friendships die. I never had drinking buddies, only drank at home, alone.
Then I caught cold and went to the family doctor. She took my BP, and it was 200/100. She looked at me and asked about my alcohol consumption. That was the moment I realized there was no use in hiding it any longer. It was actually a freeing moment to say out loud "I'm an alcoholic, please help me" as tears came to my eyes.
I went to a 10-day detox at the end of March. So far I feel fine, but worry about possible relapse, especially as unemployment looms ahead. At my age, I have little chances on the employment market, being only a few years away from retirement. On the other hand, unemployment benefits here for people my age last two years, and then I hope to be able to take early retirement. So, the loss of the high-pressure job may be a blessing in disguise by giving me the freedom to take care of myself in the peace of the apartment (now clean), no overtime hours, no work-related calls on the weekend.
Sorry for going on like that, but it feels so good to be able to put my thoughts on the table.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Welcome and keep coming. The path to recovery is simple, however not always easy because many times we are our worst enemy's. Many times the alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg and it's out thinking and mental states that gets us in trouble. This site has many helpful people available as well as AA which had helped millions and is world wide. A couple of very important things we all must deal with as a starter is being honest with ourselves and not picking up that first drink as there is NO guarantee we will return. BE WELL
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Hi Aydee, Welcome. 
I was also recently unemployed when I quit, and I was afraid that all the free time would make it hard. It actually hasn't... I've been very aware of that risk, and so I take advantage of my free time to do things that help my sobriety. Yoga and meditation do a lot for me. I think you're right, getting rid of the pressure will be a blessing. Some days in recovery you just feel a bit off, and it's an incredible luxury (I think) to be able to go easy on myself that day, spend time outside, exercising, etc. I hope you find the same.
By the way, I remember so well the first time I told a doctor "I'm an alcoholic" and it's just as you say, it's a very emotional moment. Welcome "out of the closet" so to speak.
I was also recently unemployed when I quit, and I was afraid that all the free time would make it hard. It actually hasn't... I've been very aware of that risk, and so I take advantage of my free time to do things that help my sobriety. Yoga and meditation do a lot for me.
I think you're right, getting rid of the pressure will be a blessing. Some days in recovery you just feel a bit off, and it's an incredible luxury (I think) to be able to go easy on myself that day, spend time outside, exercising, etc. I hope you find the same.By the way, I remember so well the first time I told a doctor "I'm an alcoholic" and it's just as you say, it's a very emotional moment. Welcome "out of the closet" so to speak.
I'm glad you found us and joined the family! 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
Welcome to SR. This is a great place for support and everyone really understands. Read often and keep posting! Anytime I felt an urge to drink or saw a possible relapse looming, I came here right away and there was always someone here to talk me down. And try not to think further ahead than a day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,987
Hi, Aydee, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband and your mother. That is a terrible amount of grief to deal with in such a short period of time.
My husband died 6 years ago, and like you I just collapsed into booze and let everything go.
I think it's wonderful that you had the courage to open up to your doctor.
I'm new here too, but find SR to be a wonderfully supportive resource.
Look after yourself!
My husband died 6 years ago, and like you I just collapsed into booze and let everything go.
I think it's wonderful that you had the courage to open up to your doctor.
I'm new here too, but find SR to be a wonderfully supportive resource.
Look after yourself!
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