DesperadoBlond

I just got 6 months of sobriety.

I am in AA. I like AA a lot. Doing step 4 right now.

But I hate my life most of the time (like 85% of my waking hours).

-My career is not working out. For years I dreamed of a high flying career that for several reasons is not happening (at the moment?) Should I give up and just go for something steady and easy?

-I get panicky almost every day about financial insecurity. Waiting to get paid right now so that I'll be able to pay rent for June.

-During the days I get hit by almost overwhelming waves of fatigue. Sometimes I cave in and nap for hours. Sometimes I feel unable to get up before noon (like once a week).

-ALL my old friends are gone. There are NONE what so ever left. My family (with whom I don't get along well) lives in another country. I am single. My only friends are AA:ers.

Going back to drinking is not an option. Fortunately I KNOW that very well. But is there no relief? I need relief from all of this! Help!

Dee74

I think recovery means building a new life for most of us - I know it was for me.

Building that new life takes time, and patience I think DB.

All those things you're worried about - career, fatigue, financial insecurity, social life - I think the solutions lie with you.

Get counsel - speak to your Dr, speak to your workmates (if applicable), speak with your sponsor, speak to others in your AA group....

If you feel your life is the poorer for being so AA/recovery centric then think about what else you'd like to do - interests, hobbies - and pursue them.

If life's not what you want it to be - only you can make it so

D

2granddaughters

What does your sponsor think about how you feel?

I have been in your shoes many times and when I get restless and disturbed the first thing I want to do is "change something". I have found the answer to be (and I believe the oldtimers will concur) picking up extra meetings and staying "on the beam" of AA ... don't change anything except my resolve to commit to the program. It works !! (remember the cunning, baffling and powerful sentence in HOW IT WORKS ? ... you are being tempted)

Your temporary discomfort will pass if you "work the Steps" (you are at the unmanageability part of Step 1) and you will be lifted to a better plane of comprehension.

Stick with the oldtimers and your sponsor who have been where you are and follow them with "blind faith" in the dark days. You will be rewarded.

The Promises will come true if you work for them.

All the best.

Bob R

bucolic

Careers can be a challenge but throw alcohol into the mix and it only gets worse. 6 months is not a long time. I have been sober for over a year and I can tell I still have a ways to go. Some of this you will just have to figure out for yourself but at least with alcohol out of the equation you will be in a better frame of mind to make those decisions.

I struggle with the friends issue to. 98% of my friends were just drinking buddies and not friends. I am starting now to make a conscious effort to find new friends who share my same interest. Again I'm a year into sobriety and am just now feeling ready to take this step. Good luck!

DesperadoBlond

Thank you Bob! I needed that right now!

My sponsor's real only answers seem to be:

-acceptance is the key. You are in early sobriety...
-Be happy/grateful for what you've got. Don't focus on "acquiring the stuff you always dreamt of having".

My sponsor also preaches total celibacy until the 9th step! My entire life is gone.

Anna

I agree with Dee.

You have the power, and you are the only one who has the power, to change your life. You can make it whatever you want it to be.

In my case, I was lucky to find volunteer work that helped me so much. I spent time with people who believed that I had something to give. My self-esteem was at an all-time low so that confidence in me was just what I needed. I made new friends. I met a couple of women who became friend/mentor to me. My advice is to get out there and find something you love to do, and find a way to give back to your community.

2granddaughters

You have a very wise sponsor

Wise sponsors and oldtimers give us what we need .. not what we want.

All the best.

Bob R

DesperadoBlond

Thanks Dee. You're a voice of reason - as always.

The trouble is: I still want the life I imagined for myself during years and years. I lived in a fantasy world for a long time. Drinking helped me avoid having to face how far away I really was from what I imagined I was.

Almost totally unbearable. I don't like any of the solutions that are open.

DesperadoBlond

I'm sure he is very wise. All off AA (where I live) tell me I have the Rolce Royce of sponsors.

I, personally, wonder if he has undergone frontal lobotomy. His serenity is absolutely unshakeable.

2granddaughters

You and I will have that some day if we do what he did. (NOT THE LOBOTOMY !!)

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

Not sure I'm on the same wavelength then cos I've found my life now is better than the one I used to dream of

Are these fantasies realistic ones, DB?

D

bigsombrero

When I was a drinker, I viewed alcohol as "instant fun - in a can!" Every twinge of boredom vanished when I picked up the bottle. After years of this behavior, I became used to a "quick fix" to liven up my day, or to lighten up tough times. Alas, as a non-drinker, there is no instant remedy to cure our ambivalence. Or so you think.

I am a few months ahead of you and I have started feeling a lot better, emotionally. One thing that helped me was creating new sober experiences in order to build sober memories. I went to a famous art museum, I traveled, I went to the top of the tallest building in North America, etc. These are AWESOME things that I really enjoyed, I was sober the whole time and very engaged. The more memories I collected, the more often I stopped equating boredom with sobriety. My sobriety was not to blame for my boredom - I was!

mecanix

Just because a job is steady it dosn't mean it's easy , high flying careers sometimes take a decent run up to take off .
For me living too far into the future imagining the life i want and then coming back to now and finding myself wanting leads to dissapointment and dissatifaction with now and myself , give yourself a break, life pans out in unexpected ways and our priorities change . Even the lowest of us in glamour or in financial terms can have very rewarding lives or jobs . I take life one day at a time, as it's given .

Alcohol took all my security away , homless and stateless .
It's taken getting sober and 18 months to get my financial feet back under me . For me getting into the habbit of saving has been useful and helped me sleep .
I think most of the world is only one pay cheque away from financial ruin .

Check with your doctor . I get tired in the day... eating the right things at the right time helps me . Also i make sure i go to bed at 10 pm during the working week as i'm up at 5:30am .

I assume most of these "friends" were into drinking or drugs ? It's not unusual as our habbits and interests change that we then associate with a different crowd . Where would the people you want to be friends with hang out ? The gym ? theatre ?

Sex ban ? As a gay bloke who's been around a bit .. i've found that people sometimes use sex in a simmalar way alcoholics use drink or a user for drugs .
I tend to ask myself am i doing this as a celbration of someones gloriousness or am i using it to make myself feel different about myself or my life in some way ?

Bestwishes, M

Jeni26

The big lesson I have learned...am learning...have yet to learn is patience!

I think I had a lifetime of wanting everything to change instantaneously, kind of the way it did after I took that first sip of a drink. My thoughts were.. I'm in AA, why am I still wanting a drink..? I've got promotion at work, why do I still struggle and want something more?...I'm in therapy, why do I still not sleep? Etc etc. My sponsor sounds a lot like yours. She reminds me that everything will happen for me if I continue to put in the work. Step 4 was the step I took far too long over and finishing that and moving onto step 5 was kind of a turning point for me.

I'm not sure my expectations of how quickly things would fit into place were realistic at all. I needed to shelve them and look at what I have instead of what I haven't.

Things will change for us, but not on the time frame we want them to sometimes x

hypochondriac

I don't know about you DesperadoBlond but drinking was covering up a lot of sh;t in my life. And it all came bubbling up to the surface sober. That is no bad thing though. It was a little scary but facing up to things rather than drinking because of them is a really life affirming thing. The fear dissipates as you start doing things about them. If you feel like your old life is gone then get started on your new one

I had the whole fatigue thing too. I swear that was sucking the life out of me for months, but it was part of my recovery, or depression, or something. I'd recommend going to the docs about that too as I had an underlying medical problem that wasn't helping.

I found all of this stuff really frustrating too so I understand. The relief I guess came in accepting what everyone kept telling me, that I was right where I need to be. It's a process, don't try and skip bits x

DisplacedGRITS

i know the Fourth and Fifth Steps are especially difficult. perhaps completing those steps will give you a release. lots of people have told me that they cried and fraught over their Fourth Step. also, it may help you to remember that your sobriety isn't the cause of your strife. you just see things more clearly and feel them more profoundly now that you're sober. it takes a long while to get used to feeling things again. one of the greatest and worst things about sobriety is having that muffling veil of alcohol removed. things are sharper now and that's a double edged sword. personally, i'd rather deal with life on life's terms than stick my head in the bottle again and try to lie to myself that everything's fine, just fine.

perhaps a check up with the doctor is in order to help you with the fatigue. if the doctor can't find anything, perhaps get a referral to a nutritionist to see if your diet is partially at fault.

i guess what i'm saying is that sobriety isn't at the root of your problems. living life soberly isn't easy for an alcoholic. i've heard people say they don't have a problem with alcohol, they have a problem living soberly. i'm a little of Column A, a little of Column B. drinking wasn't my problem so much as it was my solution to everything and a **** poor solution at that. it made it easier for me to gloss over my real problems and it made me content to let those problems continue to wreak havoc in my life. sobriety makes me have to address those problems and deal with them. when life gets too squirrelly i talk to another sober alcoholic. if i don't feel better after that, i talk to another one. i talk to a newbie and that often grounds me. hard.

keep on working that Fourth Step and make sure you're not glossing over the problems in your life. address what you can and keep the Serenity Prayer in your daily thoughts. set reasonable, obtainable goals that you can keep. remember that you're not Superman and no one expects you to be. give yourself credit for what you've achieved so far but keep yourself humble too. keep building on your AA friendships and remember that you've got to get your own house in order before you bring someone into a relationship with yourself. if you're not happy with who you are how can you be the best partner you can be? it's a slow process but you'll be rewarded if you take your time. bringing an X factor in the form of a significant other right now could cause you to lose focus on yourself.

i hope you find some relief, DesperadoBlond. know that you've got people here rooting for you. i know i am!

awuh1

You may want to reject this idea but I believe you have set a trap for yourself. Your trap has to do with how you have defined “the good life”. It has to do with where you want to be financially, as well as in your career. Things are not as you imagined they would be. Your expectations have not been met. I get the sense that you feel as if life right now is a struggle and that this struggle is exhausting.

Over the years I have listened to many people in AA say that their financial situations, post alcohol, are worse than when they were drinking, yet they are now much happier. Why? Because they have adopted new values. They have found other ‘things’ more important, more important for them. These other things have become more important to their true selves, a self that is developing without alcohol clouding their vision, and blocking their way.

I don’t know precisely what those new values are going to be for you, but I do sense that you are on verge of discovering them.

Just one more thing. You won’t need to struggle too much to find them. Keep an open mind, and ask yourself what’s really important. The answers will come, and in ways you might not expect.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to life as we know it! I think a lot of people think sobriety will be a "magic wand" that fixes all their problems. It can be a bit of disappointment to learn you'll still have all the problems everyone else does. You really do have to manage your expectations, or else you'll get discouraged and maybe cave and go back to drinking.

You're wise to acknowledge that despite the daily problems, drinking will only make them worse. Getting drunk is just a way to hide from your problems. Remember, you had at least as many problems six months ago...you just didn't realize it because you were drunk all the time!

BTW, great job on the six months sober!

DesperadoBlond

Hi Mecanix!

Thanks for your insights! I feel a little better now. I keep forgetting that I am not the only one in this world who doesn't have finances and rent and all that figured out for a year in advance. At the moment I REALLY try to always have the two coming months figured out financially. It's worked so far, but the anxiety does creep in.

Most of my old friend were drinking buddies. Others I have just lost touch with. I guess I am scared of reconnecting with some. WOndering what they think of me today.

I too am a "gay bloke" who's been around the block. Yes, my sponsor told me the same thing about the sex ban, as you are saying: You're using sex as you were using alcohol. No more until you do your 9th step!

That was killer for me to hear, but yes, he is right, for me it was a "drug".

DesperadoBlond

Hi MythOfSisyphus!

Yeah, I think this is what I am finding so hard to do: Accepting that the world around me won't put itself into the kind of shape that I want it to.

I never ever ever ever ever EVER accepted that I would have to accept the fact that certain things I will never get/change.

During my drinking, I was the master of scouting out the things that were impossible to get and I would go like: HAH! I'll proove you all wrong!

Some of those things I actually managed to get - but at what price. Geeez.