Why do I hate my life in sobriety, most of the time?

Old 05-12-2013, 03:44 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Awuh1!

The logical side of my brain agrees with and recognizes what you are writing as being correct. I am trapped in a fantasy that my mind has created about what my life is supposed to be like. And since reality is not living up to that, then I am miserable; incapable of enjoying today, this month, this year.

However, most of the time, it is not the logical part of my mind that calls the shots. I don't know what to do about that.

Originally Posted by awuh1 View Post
You may want to reject this idea but I believe you have set a trap for yourself. Your trap has to do with how you have defined “the good life”. It has to do with where you want to be financially, as well as in your career. Things are not as you imagined they would be. Your expectations have not been met. I get the sense that you feel as if life right now is a struggle and that this struggle is exhausting.

Over the years I have listened to many people in AA say that their financial situations, post alcohol, are worse than when they were drinking, yet they are now much happier. Why? Because they have adopted new values. They have found other ‘things’ more important, more important for them. These other things have become more important to their true selves, a self that is developing without alcohol clouding their vision, and blocking their way.

I don’t know precisely what those new values are going to be for you, but I do sense that you are on verge of discovering them.

Just one more thing. You won’t need to struggle too much to find them. Keep an open mind, and ask yourself what’s really important. The answers will come, and in ways you might not expect.
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Old 05-12-2013, 03:46 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hi Anna!

Thanks for your thoughts on what I wrote!

I am currently doing service within AA. Coffee service etc. I do like doing it.

Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I agree with Dee.

You have the power, and you are the only one who has the power, to change your life. You can make it whatever you want it to be.

In my case, I was lucky to find volunteer work that helped me so much. I spent time with people who believed that I had something to give. My self-esteem was at an all-time low so that confidence in me was just what I needed. I made new friends. I met a couple of women who became friend/mentor to me. My advice is to get out there and find something you love to do, and find a way to give back to your community.
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Old 05-12-2013, 03:48 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Hi Dee!

Hum. Yeah, I guess we are not in the same place. My life is definitely not (yet?) better than the one I imagined for myself.

Maybe I'll get there.

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Not sure I'm on the same wavelength then cos I've found my life now is better than the one I used to dream of

Are these fantasies realistic ones, DB?

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Old 05-12-2013, 03:51 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Hi Bigsombrero!


How true! I DO try to do fun little things now that I am sober. Going to art exhibits and sitting for an hour in a park reading a book.
It's hard getting used to actually enjoying little things like that, because I have ben incapable of doing so for as long as I can remember.

I don't think I've ever been to a museum or such and actually enjoyed what I was seeing there - instead I spend the time stressed out about what I am REALLY supposed to be doing.

But yes, an AA friend too is big on telling me this: you need to get "sober references".

Originally Posted by bigsombrero View Post
When I was a drinker, I viewed alcohol as "instant fun - in a can!" Every twinge of boredom vanished when I picked up the bottle. After years of this behavior, I became used to a "quick fix" to liven up my day, or to lighten up tough times. Alas, as a non-drinker, there is no instant remedy to cure our ambivalence. Or so you think.

I am a few months ahead of you and I have started feeling a lot better, emotionally. One thing that helped me was creating new sober experiences in order to build sober memories. I went to a famous art museum, I traveled, I went to the top of the tallest building in North America, etc. These are AWESOME things that I really enjoyed, I was sober the whole time and very engaged. The more memories I collected, the more often I stopped equating boredom with sobriety. My sobriety was not to blame for my boredom - I was!
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Old 05-12-2013, 03:56 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hi DisplacedGRITS!

Yes, I have totally been dragging on my Fourth Step for way too long. I've been on it, doing not very much work, for about 2,5 months now.

I'm not scared of doing it. I've just been feeling: oh, I have other more important things to stress over. I need to put in like 3 hours into finishing it and I am always either too stressed or too tired. And my sponsor tells me to do it in the morning so that I don't go to bed thinking of my resentments.

Excuses, huh?

Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS View Post
i know the Fourth and Fifth Steps are especially difficult. perhaps completing those steps will give you a release. lots of people have told me that they cried and fraught over their Fourth Step. also, it may help you to remember that your sobriety isn't the cause of your strife. you just see things more clearly and feel them more profoundly now that you're sober. it takes a long while to get used to feeling things again. one of the greatest and worst things about sobriety is having that muffling veil of alcohol removed. things are sharper now and that's a double edged sword. personally, i'd rather deal with life on life's terms than stick my head in the bottle again and try to lie to myself that everything's fine, just fine.

perhaps a check up with the doctor is in order to help you with the fatigue. if the doctor can't find anything, perhaps get a referral to a nutritionist to see if your diet is partially at fault.

i guess what i'm saying is that sobriety isn't at the root of your problems. living life soberly isn't easy for an alcoholic. i've heard people say they don't have a problem with alcohol, they have a problem living soberly. i'm a little of Column A, a little of Column B. drinking wasn't my problem so much as it was my solution to everything and a **** poor solution at that. it made it easier for me to gloss over my real problems and it made me content to let those problems continue to wreak havoc in my life. sobriety makes me have to address those problems and deal with them. when life gets too squirrelly i talk to another sober alcoholic. if i don't feel better after that, i talk to another one. i talk to a newbie and that often grounds me. hard.

keep on working that Fourth Step and make sure you're not glossing over the problems in your life. address what you can and keep the Serenity Prayer in your daily thoughts. set reasonable, obtainable goals that you can keep. remember that you're not Superman and no one expects you to be. give yourself credit for what you've achieved so far but keep yourself humble too. keep building on your AA friendships and remember that you've got to get your own house in order before you bring someone into a relationship with yourself. if you're not happy with who you are how can you be the best partner you can be? it's a slow process but you'll be rewarded if you take your time. bringing an X factor in the form of a significant other right now could cause you to lose focus on yourself.

i hope you find some relief, DesperadoBlond. know that you've got people here rooting for you. i know i am!
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:00 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Hi Hypochondriac!

Yeah, I too have issued that I have been trying to hide!

There is this ONE HUGE issue that I am absolutely aware of that I know I am going to have to discuss with a shrink.

I thought I was going to just be able to ignore it for the rest of my life, but from what I hear here and in AA is that you don't do that stuff anymore. Things need to be dealt with.

There's no end to the tests in our paths is there?

Originally Posted by hypochondriac View Post
I don't know about you DesperadoBlond but drinking was covering up a lot of sh;t in my life. And it all came bubbling up to the surface sober. That is no bad thing though. It was a little scary but facing up to things rather than drinking because of them is a really life affirming thing. The fear dissipates as you start doing things about them. If you feel like your old life is gone then get started on your new one

I had the whole fatigue thing too. I swear that was sucking the life out of me for months, but it was part of my recovery, or depression, or something. I'd recommend going to the docs about that too as I had an underlying medical problem that wasn't helping.

I found all of this stuff really frustrating too so I understand. The relief I guess came in accepting what everyone kept telling me, that I was right where I need to be. It's a process, don't try and skip bits x
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:01 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Hi Jeni 26!

Yeah, I'm like that. More, more, more.

I'm a tiny bit better, but there's still so much work to be done.

Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
The big lesson I have learning...have yet to learn is patience!

I think I had a lifetime of wanting everything to change instantaneously, kind of the way it did after I took that first sip of a drink. My thoughts were.. I'm in AA, why am I still wanting a drink..? I've got promotion at work, why do I still struggle and want something more?...I'm in therapy, why do I still not sleep? Etc etc. My sponsor sounds a lot like yours. She reminds me that everything will happen for me if I continue to put in the work. Step 4 was the step I took far too long over and finishing that and moving onto step 5 was kind of a turning point for me.

I'm not sure my expectations of how quickly things would fit into place were realistic at all. I needed to shelve them and look at what I have instead of what I haven't.

Things will change for us, but not on the time frame we want them to sometimes x
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Old 05-12-2013, 06:01 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DesperadoBlond View Post

There is this ONE HUGE issue that I am absolutely aware of that I know I am going to have to discuss with a shrink.
Have you discussed this issue with your sponsor?

I know the pain of holding back those inventories that I was going to "take to my grave". They almost put me in my grave.

To share them was like tearing skin off my body but once I did it I was free.

PM me if I can help you with anything.

All the best.

Bob R
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