pattyj

I started with an eating disorder in middle school. I continued with the disorder and started taking diet pills in high school to stuff down all my emotions. High school was the beginning of alcohol and drugs for me. I went to outpatient in my early 20s for an eating disorder but didn't completely get well. Drugs and alcohol took over my life until I turned 30. I have never had the chance to learn how to express my feelings about anything. I did drugs and alcohol to mask al my emotions.

What I am getting at is, I have no idea what my personality is. I am like a little kid again. I am learning how to argue the right way, that I have all these opinions and I need to learn how to express them the right way. The emotional side of my brain is ridiculously young in a 30 year old's body.

Has anyone else had these experience? Not drinking is the first battle... the war has just begun in my head.

Sobreia

Hi Patty, I can relate to some of the things you describe. I have suffered from BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) since my early teens, coupled with binge drinking from 16 and onwards. I am now 31. I have spent most of my life trying to suppress difficult emotions and anxiety, not communicating my problems to others as I have been too ashamed or felt undeserving of support.

I sometimes feel confused regarding who I am, beyond my BDD or alcoholism, I've blamed these two for a lot of the problems in my life, unable to deal with the real underlying issue: negative patterns of thinking about myself that lead to destructive behaviours.

I sometimes feel disintegrated, split into several and conflicting persons, and unsure of what my "real" emotions are. I think both the BDD and the alcoholism are related to problems coping with the transition from childhood to adulthood, and especially womanhood, caused by difficult experiences before and during my early teens.

I too feel I sometimes revert to a childish behaviour and have difficulties understanding, interpreting, vocalising or even trusting my own feelings, a sort of emotional immaturity that stands in stark contrast to my ability to understand, describe and empathise with other people's emotions.

Yes, the "war" may just have begun, but at least by committing to sobriety we can create a stable and safe environment in which we can rediscover and learn to appreciate ourselves and our emotional lives. I am here if you want to talk! Hugs, S

least

It is said that when you start drinking/drugging, you stop developing. So you're stuck with a youngster's mind. Now you just need to work on who the real you is.

Have you considered counseling? I see a counselor and it's a great help to me, not just for my sobriety, but in all areas of my life.

pattyj

Least - Yes I am in couseling. I am in an intensive outpatient program at the moment and have one on ones with a couselor. She is also helping with other areas of my life.

Sobreia - I am happy to hear that I am not the only one with this experience. I definitely have a safe environment with outpatient and am able to get the support that I need. But I find that my bf of 6 years is having to get to know a whole other person. We are sticking together through this for the time being but who knows what I will want in the next few months or even the next year. It is hard for him to understand that I am growing up emotionally right now because I never had the chance to do that in the past. He sees me as the same person physically but my mind is doing all of this changing. Sobriety is such an eye opener!

2granddaughters

They told me when I came to AA that I had to change everything but my name.

I wanted it the other way around .........

All the best.

Bob R

rainyengland

Interesting post - I can relate to to this and changes quitting alcohol

I guess it's now your taking responsibillity now things come clearer and life is not a fog of drunkenness and hangovers - I am far more tolerant now and can debate things rather than chucking the bottle out of the bar!.. I now question my decisions before I make them as well - before I just steamed through without any worry of consequences!

Probably called growing up in my case!

Dee74

I think the key is don't try to be anything patty - just be.

It can be hard for some of us to do nothing, to have faith to trust things will turn out ok - but it will

D

ElegantlyWasted

"The emotional side of my brain is ridiculously young in a 30 year old's body"

One thing I've heard repeatedly that applies to Me and that I've heard repeated about alcohol use is that we are actually stunting our emotional growth by self medicating emotional pain. In AA circles I've commonly heard that we stop growing emotionally when start drinking heavily and then resume emotional growth working the program. So the sobriety date is considered and 2nd birthday of sorts.

fhl41

I can relate to this, I feel like a little kid again (started drinking at 14). I never had to feel my true emotions before now. Its actually kind of nice; I am being reacquainted with myself.

I read this the other day and it rang true for me "Energies that once were dedicated simply to relieving ourselves from pain now become dedicated to a larger goodness, more aligned with the true treasure of our hearts". Gerald G. May MD

Doora

Hi guys, its good to hear your thoughts and feelings. I am on day 6 sober and feeling strong I too relate to finding a new you, it's as if my spiritual light bulb has been switched back on (I always knew it was there in the background)
Do any of you find yourselves avoiding a few people while you are on your journey of recovery? I dread invites to dinner/drinks with my wider circle of friends. You know the kind, those who may coax you to drink or even slip a shot in your cola 'jokingly'.
Well, I just listened to Alicia Keys 'brand new me' and it took on a whole new meaning! Have a listen if u get a chance
Well today is going to be a great, sober day for me and I wish you all a beautiful, sober day. Bless xxx

Jeni26

I'm not sure I'm becoming a 'new' me....more like the 'real' me. The one that laid dormant for many years.

I'm finding out now that she's ok really, I don't need to pretend I'm anything I'm not. I thought I had to because I was too shy, too awkward, too sensitive to show myself, so I developed my drinking personality which was fearless and outrageous. That wasn't me at all.

It's really liberating to become yourself. It's like waking up x

Sobreia

Thank you for sharing this Jeni. It really moved me. I also feel I am becoming, or rediscovering, the "real" me, even if I am early on in sobriety and have a long way to go. It is a relief. No more pretending, repressing or escaping.

Sazzle

Alicia keys, brand new me. Just listens to it and downloaded the album. Thanks so much! I think this will now become my soundtrack to sobriety 😋

Patty, great topic for me today. I am becoming more assertive and I'm finding it fascinating watching others reactions to situations I used to avoid. People don't mind it when I say 'no' (I'm a terrible people pleaser!) and if they don't like my response to boundary issues then I'm slowly backing away from them like Doora is. I too have 'friends' who would spike a drink for a laugh (well, they aren't so much friends anymore)

I've also started weight training and this has helped immensely with my body issues. I'm focusing on strength and flexibility and I'm beginning to look at my (shrinking but still podgy) body in a brand new light.

I truly feel like I'm turning an emotional corner.

Have a great weekend Patty

S x