Baby Steps
 

I am 45 and have suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction for most of those years. 23 years ago I met my soul mate and partner in crime and we began a roller-coaster ride of a life together. The best of times and the worst of times. In recent years, the drug use subsided some but my alcohol use sporadically was an issue - but it was just alcohol, right?

My husband's use of "heavy" drugs also subsided except for the occassional slip. He did, however, begin using pain killers to reduce his chronic back pain. but that's just for the pain, right? We had a very passionate relationship, broke up probably 20 times in the 23 years.

We loved eachother deeply, but I just couldn't stand to live with him.

Two months ago, seemingly out of the blue, he overdosed on prescription pain killers and passed away leaving me and our 15 year old son stunned and alone. I truly didn't think he was having that big of a problem with them.

Now I am fighting with immense grief and guilt. It has opened my eyes to the part my alcoholism played in our relationship. I never saw the differences in my personality and perspective before. I made bad situations much worse and missed many opportunities to make things better.

Unfortunately, I cannot go back and change the past. And I continue to struggle with alcohol, though now I am just a "weekend warrior"

I will never be able to have a glass or two of wine with dinner like "normal" people and I will never be able to take back the horrible things I have said while under the influence. I just wish it never had this control over me.

Welcome terry. You've found a great place where people understand what you're going through. I felt so much better when I came here and opened up about my drinking.

I have been through the same thing. I lost my husband to alcoholism many years ago - and then to death after we were separated. I spent many precious years filled with guilt and remorse over everything. I would advise you to not go down that road. You will sabotage the life you have left. I'm so sorry for the pain you and your son have gone through, but you didn't cause his demise. I hope you'll find it helpful to be here. I'm sure many will have advice and encouraging words for you. We care.

I was 45 when I came to recovery, that was in 1989.

I found sobriety, hope, forgiveness and sanity in Alcoholics Anonymous.

All the best.

Bob R

I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband.

It's the hardest thing in the world to not be able to go back and re-do things that we messed up. Sometimes those feelings still hit me and just take my breath away.

I hope you decide to stop drinking and to live a sober life.

Hi Terry

I'm sorry for your loss. This disease is ruthless.

I understand you blaming yourself and feeling guilty - but sometimes the people we love plot their own course, and, sometimes, there's nothing we can do about it.

If there's other things you really feel responsible for tho, give yourself time to work them out.

while we can't go back and undo what we've done I think we can do a lot with the time we have now to make amends for past behavior.

I'm not even talking apologies here although that may be part of it...what I mean is I spent 20 years taking, taking, taking...

I've spent the last 6 giving back - on all kinds of ways...I really believe that kind of stuff redresses the balance :)

D

Hi Terry, welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss.hope being here will help bring you some peace x