whatsgoingon

Hi Guys,

Its been almost a month since I posted this thread. Even though I don't actually know any of you on here I'd like to say thanks for all your reply's and support.

As mentioned in my initial post for some reason (not sure why) I started posting using a different user name? Just to clear up any confusion when I first registered my user name was 'sneeker' and then just recently I set up another account in the name of 'whatsgoingon'. I dont know if anyone else has done this on here themselves?

In real life and as 'Sneeker' I was an alcoholic that had beaten my demons but there came a point a few months ago where I started questioning a few things. Even though this forum is anonymous I did not want to ask these searching questions about alcohol as 'sneeker' because I thought maybe you would all feel bad about me and also because I was clinging on to my sobriety status and did not want to be judged a failure. I realise now this is so stupid, at the end of the day I have joined an addiction forum so rather than get caught up in my own guilt or my own hype I should always be honest. I mean if I cant talk to you guys about it then who can I talk to?

If the mods are reading please could you do me a favour and change my username back to 'sneeker', I ve tried and failed! I think 'sneeker' suits me better, sneeker by name and nature!

Since my 'mishap' I have not had another drink and I have not missed it. What happened was just a blip but it was a massive lesson learned. I now understand the term 'dry drunk' and I think it probably apply's to me. I have managed quite well at keeping my demons away but I know now I am only a drink or two away from going back to the way I was. I have also learned a trigger that I did not realise I had and that is drinking at home and hiding it from my wife? Crazy as it may seem my urges and drinking are definitely worse when I drink at home and when I'm with my wife. If this relapse had taken place in a pub with friends I think i would have handled it better. Being at home I weirdly feel like my wife is scrutinising what i drink and this makes me drink and sneek more than ever? I think because she does not like it I almost have siege mentality and try to consume as much as possible when she is not looking or not around. I guess I am subconsciously afraid she is going to tell me to stop drinking so I make sure that I give my fill as quickly as possible. Not blaming her or anyone else but I think that if you try to stop an alchy or put pressure on them to stop you could make things worse because they will go into panic that someone is going to take away their source of alcohol.

Apologies if I rambled a bit here!

Sneeker.

Dee74

Thanks Sneeker.

I know there's a variety of reasons why people change names.

just for everyones benefit though....we ask anyone thinking of changing names to consult with admin first - that way everything's known, within the rules and it just saves confusion all round.

If you want to change your name on all your posts back to sneeker it's best to PM Anna, sneeker.

D

MIRecovery

Cunning baffling and powerful without help it is too much for us but there is one who has all power that one is God may you find him now.

whatsgoingon

Wo! That's quite deep and thought provoking. My desire and willpower if in the wrong hands will lead me down the wrong path. It's also true that if the same desire and willpower can be harnessed and used in a positive way it can lead me to greatness. Now I'm not a religious person per se that said, I am quite a spiritual person and I often seek guidance from a higher self. Dont ask me what my 'higher self' is because I dont know, its just a quiet place my mind drifts to from time to time in search of answers. I personally think that it does not matter where you find inner strength from just as long as you find it! Some people look to God, some Allah and some just meditate, whatever flicks your switch is ok, for me anyway. I would say that I probably do need a guiding light in my life, not really sure the church is right for me though. I think I am quite a vulnerable person and I have to be careful who I trust. At the moment I only trust me and through trial and error I will try to grow stronger.

MIRecovery

These are not my words they are said at every AA meeting every time. They come from a portion of the big book called "how it works." If you like them check out a meeting or the big book.

bryangt

That is why it is SO important to not take that first drink. Look where it led you and it will happen again if you take that first drink. You can get back on track and moving forward. But always remember, it's the first drink that will lead you away from your sober recovery.

MIRecovery

I found trusting in myself was exactly what the problem was. 30 years of doing it my way brought me nothing but pain and suffering

whatsgoingon

I know that now. I also know that even that I know that I might still want to have a drink.

Been as I'm being honest and open with you guys I may as well lay my cards on the table........

I have been sober for about 9 months minus my one day blip. For the vast majority of the time I dont miss drink and I dont go looking for it. I feel much better without it and I am very proud of myself for how far I have come. BUT.. I'd be lying if I said i dont ever think about drink or romanticise about drink. Occasionally I do miss not be able to have a pint with my mates. I miss the taste of it, the camaraderie and generally having a good time. In my life I have had a lot of bad times with drink but I have also had a lot of good times. My problem, like most on here, is that I cannot control my drinking. I wish I could go out with friends to a pub and have a few drinks but I know that would probably lead me back down the slippery slope to drinking every night again. My biggest problem was drinking at home and it got to such a state that I was sneeking the booze and sneeking the empties out. My drinking became secretive and that's when I knew I had a problem. If you are hiding your drinking or embarrassed about how much you drink then you have a problem. If I could have limited my drinking to just nights out with friends then maybe I would have been ok. The problem for me came when my wife and I started a family and subsequently my nights out became fewer and fewer. This led to me drinking more at home and it is so so easy for drinking at home to become a problem. I always do the cooking at home and invariably I would always have a beer or two whilst standing at the stove. By the time dinner was ready I probably would have drunk 2 or 3 beers (my wife by the way would only know that I'd drank 1). At dinner I'd open a bottle of wine and have 2 or 3 glasses. By this time I would usually be drunk but if I was not I would sneek a few swigs of brandy from the kitchen cupboard whilst I was washing up. I used to love feeling drunk, whoosy and fuzzy headed. I realise now I was trying to block out stress and also compensate for the boredom in my now family life.

These days I guess I'm a dry drunk. I dont drink but deep down I would probably like to. Its not perfect but at least I'm not drinking but I am, as I've already proved, liable to the odd slip up so I need to be vigilant.

I wish being sober was something I could just turn on when I needed to but unfortunately its not. Being sober is a way of life with no turning back. Its a better way of life, no question about that, but it takes dedication and commitment. Right now I'm still learning and abstaining but I am certainly not cured.

oak

Sneeker- I love your honesty! I also think about what people think of me here- even though I do not know anyone here well.

I also wonder occasionally if my drinking would have been less out of control if I did not feel the need to hide it from my husband. I used to have that thought a lot more. I used to wonder if it was a forbidden fruit and therefore more tempting. At this point, I think it would have been a problem either way. I also drank much less in restaurants/bars than at home, but at restaurants I planned when I could drink next, even while I was still drinking my two drinks that I allowed myself at a restaurant. For me, the obsessions and compulsions were intense. Anyway- I was just fascinated to read someone else write about the forbidden fruit concept. (Writing about this reminds me of my therapist's reaction a few years ago when I tried to explain the forbidden fruit concept of alcoholism to him. He did not take it so well.)

You mentioned being bored and stressed. What can you do about those issues? What activities do you enjoy (other than drinking), or what activities do you want to try? Having a family should not mean that you stop what you enjoy.

Nuudawn

Thanks so much for your post. Reading it made me re-join this site rather than continuing to creep as a guest. 8 months was pretty much the longest sobriety I put together with the help of this site and a stint in AA (that I may or may not return to..so far unsure) back in 2006-07. I tried making a new profile myself (not to be more anonymous than anonymous but I couldn't remember old profile but my email hadn't changed). Anyways I didn't recover too well after my relapse after 8 months. Looks like I came back here briefly in 2010 or something..but here it goes again...
Day 2
Hope you stick around. Hope I do.

whatsgoingon

Hi Nuudawn, I'm glad my post and experiences have struck a chord with you. Its a lonely place out there when we have a problem and no one to share it with it. That is where this site helps, you can pretty much say how is it is on here and you wont get judged because most people can emphasise with you and offer support. I find posting my experiences on here a way to channel my thoughts & feelings. Its a bit like therapy, you just let it all out!

I wish you all the best, the first few weeks were the hardest for me both physically and emotionally. When I first quit drinking I felt a mixture of determination, trepidation and total bloody confusion! Deep deep down I knew I had a problem but this was always counteracted by me doubting the truth. My behaviour was completely irrational, I was drinking everyday, not huge amounts but enough to feel light headed. I started smuggling drink into the house via my gym bag. I used to always buy the same brand of beer or wine so my wife would find it hard to keep track of how much I was consuming. I was very clever I would openly drink in front of my wife but when she was not looking I'd be sneeking a few extra glasses of wine down. I was basically drinking treble what she could see me drinking. To keep up my pretence of being normal I'd then smuggle the empties out. Very devious. I kept convincing myself that I did not really have a problem and there were people far worse than me. I would justify to myself that 2 or 3 beers every night was normal and to convince myself even more I would even have a day or two when I never drank at all. I did not want to quit, I liked drinking, it was my escape from stress and the treadmill of day to day life. It was only when I took a step back and really thought about my behaviour I realised I was heading down a very dark road. It was the sneeking and smuggling that finally opened my eyes to my problem. Suddenly I just thought what the hell am I doing and I knew then I just had to stop or it was going to get worse and worse.

In a way I was lucky. I spotted the problem before it really took root and then managed to haul myself out. When I think back now I was so close to really losing everything. If my wife and family had found out the true extent of my drinking and lies it would have caused a huge meltdown. I still don't know how I let it get so bad, the drinking just took control. I have always liked a drink but for the vast majority of my life I have been in control and was not a problem drinker. Roll back a year or so ago and my drinking went from being relatively normal to out of control and it happened really quickly. The drinking took hold of me before I even realised. As I type I'm shaking my head in disbelief as to what became of me and I thank my lucky stars, god, or whatever for making me wake up and do something to save myself.

Good luck, hope you find the strength to keep pushing on.


Sneeker.

GracieLou

This! I could have written that.

This was my first step. I had to trust something other than me. I certainly was not doing myself any good.