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Old 05-08-2013, 03:18 PM
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Did you finally kill my love

I met him 4 years ago. He told me he was an alcoholic, rascal, romantic, good father, among other things, we married and had a beautiful daughter, he hid his drinking for a while, blamed mood swings on work, stress, economy, politics, me. When I realized he was drinking I hoped, not knowing what alcohol does to an alcoholic, he would stop. I even tried to be FUN, and drink with him, but he's not nice, or wasn't when he drank with me. He would want to discuss business and infer that I was a dumb redneck from Alabama who didn't know what business was! Then, when I asked, cried, begged him to just stop, he started picking me apart, putting me down about weight, ( I'd just had a baby,) told me the reason he liked strippers is they know how to **** and that I didn't. He did quit for awhile afterward to be a dry drunk. Then back at it. He never stayed away from home and was always sorry the next day, until last summer. He just decided i needed to face i was married to a drunk and he gives us a great life, SO WHAT! his words! He started rehab last summer after putting a chair through a glass door after i locked him out. We had been to dinner with his business partner and they got totally drunk and he started calling me the vilest things because I whispered enough. 28 days of rehab I was so excited. He was coming home and he was CURED! 30 days later he was drunk again, he didn't even bother coming home this time, stayed at a hotel, for the next 6 months he spent maybe 2 months home, constantly apologetic, back attending meetings, then no show, drunk, blah, blah, blah. Then I kicked him out in Febuary. He was flip flipping from trying to destroy me with mental and financial abuse, even telling my 17 year old daughter i was a ***** to begging me not to leave him please help him get better. I discovered he had been going to strip clubs, using cocaine and hanging out with a disgusting 21 year old bartender at the strip club. He finally surrendered to going to rehab, ( did I mention he paid for yet left 2 different detox centers during Febuary) in March. 38 days later his mother picked him up, I was talking to him daily and he told me he was staying until I was ready for him to come home. So he's back home staying with mom and breaks me down with " I found my faith" that's what was missing the last time. I let him come home. 6 days later he leaves. Yep. Drunk again. I thought my love would overcome. Last week, was yet another new experience, picking him up in a hotel room with blister on his lips, knowing he had spent weekend with strippers, over- dosed in a hospitaL room , yet still used for another day then calling me to come get him. There was apart of me that hated him, another that loved and wanted to save him. losing hope of ever salvaging our marriage. My question now is this: I'm supposed to go to counseling at rehab and then eventually we are counseled together. He is scheduled to stay 90 days at least! What happens when he gets out? Even if my heart softens I've read they recommend living apart and him showing genuine remorse as well as positive sober choices before we attempt living together. Please tell me what to expect.
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Old 05-08-2013, 03:24 PM
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Try Alanon, hon. They'll tell you what to expect and how to get over your extreme codependence. This is your life. Take it back, for yourself and your daughter. You deserve to be happy, not a slave to the what-ifs. Time is on your side. Don't think about what might happen in 30, 60, 90 days. Think about today and living it to your best. You don't need that drama OR abuse in your life. If he can get well - ON HIS OWN - then it was meant to be. You cannot be the one who sets him free. Only he can do that. But you CAN set yourself free.
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Old 05-08-2013, 03:30 PM
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Welcome to SR nothopeful. You are not alone anymore - many have gone through this same sort of thing. Take a look at our Friends and Family Forum, too. We want to help.

I agree that Alanon would be a good idea for you. I hope you'll check it out.
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Old 05-08-2013, 03:38 PM
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Thank you. I just have so much anger!!!! Yesterday was so great, I woke up and said I will have a great day with my 2 year old. We went to the beach and I marveled at her beauty and laughter. I guess I'm at least doing that right! But today, I called the rehab because my AH is so manipulating! On Friday he called his mother, we were told this time there would be no special considerations. No phone calls the first month. Well, he was reprimanded and told he could no longer have private calls to his sponsor since he abused that privacy. Yet on Monday, he lied to another counselor and said his mother was hospitalized!!??? WTH?? Lie! But she allowed him to call her and his sister. Not me! His mother called telling me he made her promise to call me and tell her how much he loves me. Well this morning I asked them what's going on with the contradictions? They said they had dealt with him and no more privileges. Ha! I guess he's some kind of a liar! He has 55 years of experience, but you would think these people are professionals and not blinded by emotions. Right??? Well at lunch time I get a picture message from a phone from another area code. It's M. And the kicker??!!! He's standing next to the dos equis beer guy, a cut out. Really???? I'm dealing with this mess and a broken heart and this is cute?? Come to find out its his sponsors sponsor. I really have little hope. With him or this place
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Old 05-08-2013, 03:45 PM
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I would be frustrated and disillusioned too. I'm sorry you're going through this - it sounds like you've tried very hard to rise above it.
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:04 PM
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It takes one to know one; I'm sober for two years 5/23/12; my higher power willing. Do like my wife has done(and I as well) go to Alanon, it will REALLY help you deal with your AH. I'm a big fan of AA, and until your AH can @ least successfully do step one, he's just living a groundhog day...a life of relapses.
Best wishes & Take Care of YOU and your Daughter.
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:19 PM
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I'm sorry I was venting so hard I didn't really introduce myself. I am a 40 year old mother of 3 beautiful daughters and extra mother to 2 wonderful sons. They are all amazing. I am a positive but realistic person. All I ever wanted was a family. I am blessed no matter what happens to M. I get to experience love everyday with my kids. Most days are rough right now. But every now and then I demand a good day and I usually get it. But I eventually have to look in that drawer I compartmentalize all this hurt in. I pray I come out of this with my heart still believing. I don't want to be one of those people who just survives life.... I want to LIVE.
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:26 PM
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Lordy Lordy. I'm so so sorry for what you've been through. My honest advice? Work on you, alanon and therapy. Take care of you and your kids, give them a real family without this chaos. Stop being his trampoline. He falls, lands on you and bounces back. He needs to go splat, figuratively.
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