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Day 3, Gaining Insight

Old 05-08-2013, 03:01 PM
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Day 3, Gaining Insight

Today has been an interesting day though I have only been awake for an hour. Shortly after waking, feeling insecure and depressed, I took ten minutes to do a guided meditation in which I visualized my ideal (future) self, exactly as I would like to be some day. My present, broken self approached Ideal Me and asked what I could do to become Her. She said, "Don't Drink, Don't Judge, Love." Those are the three things I have been working on since I relapsed severely Saturday night and blacked out.

The not drinking part is easy for the moment, since the misery it has wrought lately (and for my entire adult life) is in the forefront of my mind and it disgusts me to think about it. Or at least, it disgusts me to think about my behavior when drunk.

I am constantly surrounded by alcohol--I work in a restaurant/bar, which is not too bad, as I keep professional and busy and mainly regard the drinks as a neutral product I sell, (since all the classy people I wait on are examples of how to drink responsibly), but at home it is a 24/7 party pad. Well, maybe not 24/7 but people come over here and drink every day, often from noon until five in the morning. I have enjoyed this--feeling a part of a community of actors, artist, musicians, writers, with barbeques and family dinners and constant entertainment.

But now I just hide in my bedroom. I am ashamed to show my face. This has happened before, and many people have been through the ropes of addiction, back and forth, so they have been very patient with me, very forgiving. But instead of managing to stay off the juice for more than a week at a time, I overdo and it destroy everything all over again. So people are becoming less forgiving of my broken promises that I won't do it again.

Anyway, if I am going to quit drinking, it's not going to happen by a rapid change of lifestyle. I have to start with myself. Alcohol will always be right there. I woke up and there was a half full bottle of gin and one of whiskey right there in the kitchen. Even when I was trying not to drink, I used to sneak shots as though it would be fine if no one but myself knew. Now I just have to know I won't touch it. It's me who will disapprove.

The next piece of advice Ideal Me game Present Me was "Don't Judge." Where that comes from is my beginning forays into meditation-- I try to let my thoughts pass without passing judgment, whether on myself, the thought, or mainly other people and my thoughts of what they are thinking of me! I am realizing that almost everything I think I has some kind of a value judgment attached to it--from "They hate me" to "The dishes are dirty and that is bad". I am trying to observe myself thinking. Just keep centered and look at the facts, rather than overthinking everything, projecting, constantly running in a mental rat wheel.

The last part was Love. I have to love and be grateful, and I can no longer pour all my love into my boyfriend, as he is rightfully fed up with me and cannot put up with any more drama and abuse. It has to be a loftier love, of everything. Maybe that's the second step. I am unreligious and have somewhat of an aversion to the word God. I am reading "Love, Freedom, and Aloneness" by Osho and I am attracted to his flipping of "God is Love" to "Love is God." I do believe that Love is the highest power of the universe. I think I need to work on this. I have been averse to AA for years, but after the meeting I attended Monday night I think it could help me, so I have nothing to lose in trying.

I think this post makes me look more cheerful than I really feel. But the sun is shining outside and I live steps from the sand, so now that I've written this I'm going to the beach whether I feel like it or not.
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Old 05-08-2013, 03:27 PM
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day 3

keep on keeping on ,

Bestwishes, M
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Old 05-08-2013, 05:36 PM
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Every sober day will find you a little stronger. Keep on truckin'.
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