AHA!!!! (long)
 

…. This starts the beginning of my journey to self-discovery, happiness and a celebration of my recovery….
While laying in bed last night unable to sleep with my brain torturing me with my fears, worries, shame and regret, my “AHA” moment finally reached me. The moment I’ve thought I felt before but now know it was never a genuine feeling. THIS moment, felt like the fog rolled away, the dark clouds left and I suddenly, for the first time in years felt confidence in myself, I felt strength, courage. My moment of true realization.
For years I’ve been struggling with depression which then led me on a dark path to chemical dependency.
I always thought my future was going to be me being happily married, have kids all while I was independent and successful. After kids, my life was not what I imagined it to be. I stayed home with them while my husband worked and went to school. With little help available, my dreams were hindered. I found myself resenting my husband. I resented the fact that he could go to work. I resented the fact that he could earn money; he could make friends and be social. He could go to school and further his dream. All while I stayed home taking care of the house and kids. THAT then became my life. I lost my individual identity and became wife and mother (who IS Heather?). I lost everything about who I once knew myself to be. And I was bitter. I never felt appreciated or respected. And eventually I found that alcohol removed me from reality.
It never did anything positive for me. IT impacted my marriage, my parenting, my social life (what small one I did find). And somehow, I still looked to it to numb me. When it became clear that it was an issue for me and my family, I wanted so bad to stop. I tried so many times and failed each and every attempt I made. I never reached out for support because I didn’t feel I needed it. It was an embarrassing issue for me. My husband saw my struggle, but I never found him to be supportive or encouraging in any way. In fact, I had myself convinced he didn’t want to see me do better. I blamed him for a long time as I felt he was hindering my recovery by not encouraging me and by condemning me when I did fail.
My aha moment is that every attempt I made in the past was unsuccessful because I wanted to get better for my husband. I wanted to get better for my children. BUT I NEVER wanted to get better for myself. And I now see, that getting better for myself first….is the only way Im going to be successful through this journey. I cant make others happy when I am in fact miserable. I NEED to find myself. I NEED to make myself happy. I NEED to get better for ME. And while my marriage may be over, while I may never get past the resentment… My children will reap the benefits of my determination. My future relationships will reap the benefit of my determination. The people who stuck with me and had faith in me with reap the benefits of my determination. And most of all I will reap the benefits of my determination.
So here is the beginning of my journey. My journey for MYSELF. =)

Here's to a happy sober journey.:)

Wow - you really did have an "AHA" moment. One thing you did not mention is how many day's, weeks or months you have been sober? I am not one to offer much advice, as I am approaching my one month mark, but I think you might want to consider one thing.

Are your emotions and thoughts being hindered by alcohol? I understand the stress of being lonely and resentful; but blaming your unhappiness solely on one person - your husband - is not a good way staying sober. Have you asked him how he feels when you are drinking? It sounds like he has a lot on his plate by working and going to school along with you having the opportunity to be a Mother at home with your children. Believe me, kids grow up so fast and now that my one and only is 23 with a child of her own, it makes me wish I had not worked during her pre-school years.

Basically what I am trying to say is - DO NOT EVER make rash decisions when you are in recovery. Give it six months before you make any life altering decision. I would hate for you to throw away a lifetime of possible happiness because you might not be thinking with a sober head.

I hope you take this is in a kind way, but literally I have been there too many times. If I left my husband every time he told me how much he hated my drunk self, I would be a lonely sober lady right now. Hang in there until you have a stretch of sobriety.

Liveordie,

It is my husband who has no faith in me and doesnt want our marriage. I dont blame my unhappiness soley on him as I've realized I'm the only one that can create happiness in myself. I used to blame him. I want my marriage to work more than anything. I understand his unwillingness to work on things with me but still resent him for watching me turn into who I became, helping me turn into who I became (drinking with me, offering me drinks knowing I was trying to stop, bringing home alcohol after I asked if he could refrain from a while)....then walking away from me when I really needed him the most.
He doesnt like who I am when I am drinking. I understand that as I dont like who I am when I am either.
I appreciate your input. =)

Thank you for responding. I felt so bad after posting, but with your clarification of the situation, I understand more now.

Take it one day at a time and do not allow anyone to interfere with your sobriety. I agree with you on the fact that if you are not happy, you cannot make anyone else happy.

Keep your determination and whatever comes ahead will be much better sober!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi hrich1122, I have to agree with livordie. If I left my husband every time he told me how much he hated my drunk self, I would be a lonely sober lady right now as well. While I have been hurt by what my husband has said and done over time to my drunk self, he was doing the best he could with what he has. Now that he sees that I am determined to be sober, and he is aware of the steps I have taken, he has been a lot happier in himself and that has helped me. I blamed him a lot, but really what I should blame is my AV....And I have recently stopped listening to that stupid voice.:a122

thanks for the posts...best to you always

Your post speaks volumes and that is what is so very hard..doing it for yourself.

I can already see that you cared for others more than yourself. I get it...............

((HUGS))

YOU GOT THIS! You have seen the picture that will bring you to yourself.

Peace and love to your heart.........

Exauhsted-
Your post brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you!

It's hard to be out there all alone with your thoughts and feelings. Even though we may be miles apart just know that there are others that care and can relate to you. You are not alone in this journey. Keep posting and looking..searching for what makes it good for YOU!!

I appreciate the fact that you cared what I posted that in turn means a lot to me..and brings tears to my eyes....so there you go... we all help each other and is that not what it's all about?

You touched my heart!!!

Suzy Q-

Thank you for your post and I appreciate your input. Im not going anywhere. You and liveordie are very fortunate to have husbands that have stuck by you and encourage you. =)

I wish you the best.

HRICH1122

I am here supporting you also! One day at a time and please do not give up. Life get's better with each day of sobriety! :You_Rock_