On the verge of a breakdown or breakthrough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 172
On the verge of a breakdown or breakthrough
Hi all,
I've been on and off of this site since fall of last year and still haven't kicked alcohol. I get a little bit of time under my belt and always find an excuse or a reason to go back to drinking. I was on track for quite a while, attending meetings, trying to meet with my sponsor, trying to commit to the program. But I went back to drinking after several weeks and am now back here again soul searching on Day 1. I long for peace and don't believe I'll ever experience it as long as I'm drinking.
I am truly sick both mentally and physically and am really starting to accept that I am an alcoholic, that I am powerless over alcohol, that it is killing me and certainly will if I don't stop for the rest of my life. How can I come to this conclusion over and over and throw myself right back into the fire knowing what the outcome will be? I guess because every time I think I can handle it or it will be different. I can't handle it and it won't be different.
These past few months have been some of the most turbulent in my young 31 years on this planet. Our kitchen flooded last February and I had a hard time dealing with the stress of insurance companies/contractors over the past 2.5 moths. The job was finished yesterday (sloppy) and I am exhausted and can't put up the fight anymore. Last month I found out my parents are divorcing after 35 years of marriage. I am having a harder time with that than I realize. This past Friday some family members voiced some concerns that they are seeing red flags for autism in my 9 month old beautiful bright shining boy. We didn't see it and it's driving me mad and sick with worry. We start the doctor's appointments tomorrow and I will do everything in my power to make sure my son is on track. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alcohol is so crazy. I was drinking on Friday night after our family voiced their concerns about our son. It was too much for me to take on top of everything else going on and of course, my son is more important to me than my parents marriage or a stupid kitchen. Anyway, I was walking out of the house after having just opened a beer and I thought I was going to fall down dead from a stroke or heart attack (probably anxiety). I reached out to God and asked him to not take my life in exchange for me pouring out my beer and giving it up again. I started feeling better and the moment I did, I thought "well, it's still cold and full. just finish the beer." Wow. Cunning Baffling Powerful. I poured out the beer, made it through the weekend and couldn't take the pain and worry last night and gave in. Now I'm hungover, back in touch with my sponsor after reaching out to him last night, and am here on Day 1 again. I will break down soon if I continue to drink. It is that critical for me to stay sober right now. Peace be with you all.
I've been on and off of this site since fall of last year and still haven't kicked alcohol. I get a little bit of time under my belt and always find an excuse or a reason to go back to drinking. I was on track for quite a while, attending meetings, trying to meet with my sponsor, trying to commit to the program. But I went back to drinking after several weeks and am now back here again soul searching on Day 1. I long for peace and don't believe I'll ever experience it as long as I'm drinking.
I am truly sick both mentally and physically and am really starting to accept that I am an alcoholic, that I am powerless over alcohol, that it is killing me and certainly will if I don't stop for the rest of my life. How can I come to this conclusion over and over and throw myself right back into the fire knowing what the outcome will be? I guess because every time I think I can handle it or it will be different. I can't handle it and it won't be different.
These past few months have been some of the most turbulent in my young 31 years on this planet. Our kitchen flooded last February and I had a hard time dealing with the stress of insurance companies/contractors over the past 2.5 moths. The job was finished yesterday (sloppy) and I am exhausted and can't put up the fight anymore. Last month I found out my parents are divorcing after 35 years of marriage. I am having a harder time with that than I realize. This past Friday some family members voiced some concerns that they are seeing red flags for autism in my 9 month old beautiful bright shining boy. We didn't see it and it's driving me mad and sick with worry. We start the doctor's appointments tomorrow and I will do everything in my power to make sure my son is on track. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alcohol is so crazy. I was drinking on Friday night after our family voiced their concerns about our son. It was too much for me to take on top of everything else going on and of course, my son is more important to me than my parents marriage or a stupid kitchen. Anyway, I was walking out of the house after having just opened a beer and I thought I was going to fall down dead from a stroke or heart attack (probably anxiety). I reached out to God and asked him to not take my life in exchange for me pouring out my beer and giving it up again. I started feeling better and the moment I did, I thought "well, it's still cold and full. just finish the beer." Wow. Cunning Baffling Powerful. I poured out the beer, made it through the weekend and couldn't take the pain and worry last night and gave in. Now I'm hungover, back in touch with my sponsor after reaching out to him last night, and am here on Day 1 again. I will break down soon if I continue to drink. It is that critical for me to stay sober right now. Peace be with you all.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I can feel some of you in me RF. I too would often sneak out to the garage or wherever to down a quick beer to take the "edge" off whatever was happening in my life relating to stress ( family, kids, job, etc. ) The "aha" moment for me was when I started NEEDING that beer to just feel normal, rather than having it make me feel better. I hope you have found your moment and continue towards quitting and recovery.
As complicated is this whole mess seems, there are really 2 simple options for us
1. Keep drinking and make things worse. And they will get worse, the only question is how fast and how bad things get.
2. Quit drinking and make things better. It will be tough initially, but it's a small price to pay for how much better things will be down the road.
I finally chose #2 and I can highly recommend it. Stay with us and let us know how we can help.
As complicated is this whole mess seems, there are really 2 simple options for us
1. Keep drinking and make things worse. And they will get worse, the only question is how fast and how bad things get.
2. Quit drinking and make things better. It will be tough initially, but it's a small price to pay for how much better things will be down the road.
I finally chose #2 and I can highly recommend it. Stay with us and let us know how we can help.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,753
You can live a sober life. Forgive yourself for giving in and learn from it, then move forward again. Life isn't necessarily better when we're sober, but it's easier to deal with. 
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