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Introducing Myself. Any support is greatly appreciated.

Old 05-07-2013, 03:24 AM
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Introducing Myself. Any support is greatly appreciated.

Hi guys and girls

My name is Sean and I'm 27 years old, from england.

I've been battling alcohol since I was 17.

Here's my honest truth - I absolutely love alcohol, I feel like it completes me from the inside, it's the only way I can find any kind of inner peace. I used to swear it was like a medication to stop my head feeling like it was going to explode with voices. (By voices I mean anxiety, worries etc)

I have been to alcohol clinics/counsellors in the past and I did really well for 2 years but I've slipped again, and going back is proving difficult.

I can't actually imagine giving up something I love so much. It's the place I want to be but I know that ultimately I am killing myself, and hurting other people around me.

I don't like the control it has over me, it makes me feel weak, guilty & ashamed but also, there is a part of me that is very happy to let this be my way of life. It feels like it completes me

That is horrible to read back... quite shocking actually. But there's no point me coming on here for support/help/guidance if I'm not going to be honest.

Thanks
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:41 AM
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Welcome Sean.

Lots of good support here. A good place to start is to try and identify what the problem is. Are you someone whose drinking has got out of control. Do you want to regain control? Are you an alcoholic who wants to stop but can't? Or do you know you should stop but don't want to?
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:47 AM
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Hi, Sean. Welcome to SR.

Thank you for being honest - and, primarily with yourself. It's a great starting point to start you recovery.

Originally Posted by Sean27 View Post
Hi guys and girls

Here's my honest truth - I absolutely love alcohol, I feel like it completes me from the inside, it's the only way I can find any kind of inner peace. I used to swear it was like a medication to stop my head feeling like it was going to explode with voices. (By voices I mean anxiety, worries etc)

I can't actually imagine giving up something I love so much. It's the place I want to be...
Been there, done that...

I was absolutely sure that without dumbing my feeling with wine and silencing my "voices" I would just go crazy, or these voices will tear me apart, whatever. "Exploding with voices" - that's exactly how I felt.

I was hell scared about that. It was tough first but it got better. Much better, I should say. Now, being half a year sober and looking back I can clearly see it was just wicked illusion created by addiction. My head is still in one piece, not exploded, and voices are more silent than ever.

It's only when I quitted wine that I got a chance to take control over these "voices".

You don't need alcohol to feel complete inside - alcohol makes you incomplete and steal your integrity and inner peace. The problem with it that it masks all this evil pretending to be your "friend".

If you can't imagine to quit something "you love so much" - focus on today, on one hour. That helps a lot. Don't look to far in the future, don't scare yourself.

And then, after, say, half a year you'll realize some day, that you hate it, because it's been fooling your for such a long time, hiding beautiful moments of life, hiding your better self, convincing you of your "incompleteness".

Stay strong, keep posting - it's a great place of support.

Best wishes to you)
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:47 AM
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Well basically, I would say I am an alcoholic yes, but I'm a functioning one if that makes sense?

I drink every day, I wake up every morning tired and groggy but that's just become the norm now.

I was referred to rehab 2 years back but I improved so much in the weeks coming up to my course that I was acquitted, so never actually had to go.

I'm someone who wants to stop, but I am fighting a strong demon who never wants to stop! I have strong days where I can tip it down the sink etc but it never lasts.

Thanks for replying.x
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:50 AM
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MidnightBlue, that's a great response. Thank you.

This is going to be one hell of a rough ride, trying to kick this.

It's great having other people who understand to share with though, cos although my family try their best, they just don't understand.

Your post has given me some hope & optimism
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Sean27 View Post
I'm a functioning one if that makes sense?
It makes a lot of sense. I didn't drink daily but still had a problem. And I was very functioning - juggling two jobs, additional education, gym, etc.

Addiction wears a lot of masks - but it's still addiction, and creeps into you and ruining your life regardless of its form and name.

The sooner you stop it - the better.
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:00 AM
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I will give it a go, starting today.

I tried about a month back and lasted 3 weeks but that had a negative effect because I did the usual, 'I can control this now' rubbish that we all tell ourselves and then I drunk worse than before.

Arrrrrghhhhh it's just the thought of never again.. that's so hard to get my head around
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Sean27 View Post

Arrrrrghhhhh it's just the thought of never again.. that's so hard to get my head around
One day at a time)

There's also a thread for those who decided to quit in May. I'm sure you'll find a lot of support and new friends in sobriety there. Just pop in and say hi)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2013-a-9.html

Take care, keep posting.
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:33 AM
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Hi Sean

Welcome to our family.
Its nice to have you with us.

There are quite a few of us from the UK here too. I'm not far from you.

It seems like you have tried different things in the past.
I did too. I had a very expensive private counsellor and if I am truthful I got nowhere with.

I think it got to the point that I wanted to pack in drinking more than I wanted to keep drinking. I did it for no-one else but me.

I think you can go to rehab, go to AA, read about AVRT and go to SMART meetings but ultimately you have to do it yourself. No-one can do it for you.

I agree with the term 'functioning' to an extent and its how I might have described myself. Although if I am hand on heart honest, I did not function very well at all. I was just existing really. I was not enjoying life.

I think we can get very bogged down in definitions.

Am I a binge drinker, an alcoholic, an alcohol abuser, alcohol dependent etc etc.

I pondered all these labels but all the while carried on drinking creating more misery for myself and others.

Now I have come to the conclusion that alcohol makes me unhappy so I would rather not drink it. That unhappiness is/was enough for me to stop.
I don't need a label to justify my stopping drinking.

It took me a while to 'get it'.

I suppose by 'get it' I meant that if I did not drink, I would not get drunk, black out, act like an arse, feel horrific for the next few days.

I think for people who are not good with alcohol, we all have to 'get it' some time in our life.
I would rather 'get it' now than 'get it' when I am 68 years old to be honest.

If you get it now Sean when your 27 years old, it is going to save you a lot of trouble, heartache and poor health than if you 'get it' when your 60 years old.

When I started out not drinking I was very shaky, very unsure, did not know how to handle questions as to why I was not drinking. I came here everyday. I read and learnt as much about alcohol and addiction as I could.

Now I feel as strong as an ox in my commitment to not drinking.
My mental health has improved dramatically as well.. I think there is nothing worse , when you suffer from anxiety or depression, than adding alcohol to the mix.

It really is great you found us Sean and know that you can here as often as you want, post as often as you want and remember nothing you tell us will shock us (we have all probably done it too) and we understand.

Your not on your own

My best to you
xx
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:54 AM
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Thank you,

I really appreciate your post. I'm glad I found this forum, it is honestly so refreshing to talk to people who understand the addiction. It has really brightened my spirits, and put me in a good mood, knowing I'm not alone.

The thought of quitting it is daunting but I'll just keep telling myself 1 day at a time.

I was already thinking about gulping down my 2 bottles of Tuborg this morning. That's why I searched for a forum. this forum has already helped me, as they remain unopened.
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Old 05-07-2013, 05:01 AM
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I too (thought I) loved drinking. But it was doing me so much damage inside and out and finally I'd had enough and quit. Best thing I've ever done for myself. And now I don't miss it one bit. You can do this!
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Old 05-07-2013, 05:05 AM
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Hi Sean, I was a functioning alcoholic too, and for a while I couldn't get my head around never drinking again. My doctor would talk about it and my mind would resist. But you can put that problem aside for now, until you feel stronger.
I think the most important thing for the first little while is to make plans to cope with the cravings. If you have any alcohol in the house, get rid of it (unless it belongs to someone else). Avoid any places or occasions that trigger your desire to drink, and divert yourself in some way towards the end of the day when you'd normally drink. Don't let yourself get too hungry or tired.
Look forward to the fantastic feeling when you wake up in the morning clear headed.
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Old 05-07-2013, 05:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Sean27 View Post
this forum has already helped me, as they remain unopened.
Congrats of winning the first battle) But if you don't mind another advice - get rid of these bottles ASAP. Having booze around, especially in early sobriety is a huge trigger.
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Old 05-07-2013, 05:24 AM
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Just remember the alcohol that you are scared of never having again in your life, is the stuff that makes you upset with yourself, makes you feel you have let others down, it makes you hurt people you love. Makes you regret ever picking a bottle of it up. Ruins your health. Costs you too much money. Makes you fat. Might lead to the loss of your driving license. You could end up in prison because of it. You could seriously hurt yourself or someone else because of it. The stuff that makes people who love you worry about you?

Makes you look at diet coke in a totally different light doesn't it!!!!!

My best
xx
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Old 05-07-2013, 05:39 AM
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Wow, thanks for your support everyone.

It's really useful information.

I think I'm going to keep a journal of each day - The cravings, the struggles, temptation, way it makes me feel etc

I hope that's one way I can try cope with the cravings, to write about them and express them rather than just giving in and indulging in them.

This is a great help, you should all be very proud of yourselves.x
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:09 AM
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:54 AM
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Hi Sean. I feel like I could have written your first post. I will be 27 in 15 days, too, and I started drinking at a fairly young age (I think I was 12 or 13 when I started stealing alcohol from my parents' stash). I love how alcohol numbs me from the inside out... but I hate how I can't feel even the good things in my life. I am so afraid of facing life sober, but I know that I'm not living being drunk all of the time. I am also quite functional, in that, even though I have been drunk most of this semester at school, I still have a high GPA, and I do well on most assignments and exams. But instead of the A average I know that I can get, I have a B average in most of my classes. Not really a big deal, but it is to me, because I know that I can do better, if only I don't drink.

I definitely find journaling to be helpful. Not that I'm doing well when I journal, but if I don't journal, then it is guaranteed that I'm doing pretty awfully. Looking back and seeing patterns of what triggers me can help with creating plans of actions... if only I were to actually use them.

It is a wondrous thing, connecting with others who have struggled with the darkness that alcohol can bring, but who also can share their experience, strength and hope of coming from that darkness into the light. Even though I haven't still quit, having the hope that I can, because of other's hope, keeps me from the darkness of despair of ever being able to be or live any different.
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Old 05-07-2013, 08:56 AM
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@cantorcantus

Your post moved me. I understand completely the love of the numbness. When I'm feeling numb, everything feels really warm and just perfect. From there I like to just sit, and feel things and open up doors to corridors I don't like opening. That's why I always felt it was like a medication to me. People describe similar feelings from meditation, and spirituality.

For me, alcohol makes me look deep inside, self reflect and face things I would run from with pure honesty. Hence the feeling of inner peace. That's why it's so hard to kick, because it all feels right.

It's really really hard. I have tried meditating etc but I can't get in as deeply as I can with alcohol.

It's a cruel world we live in where the one thing we love is ultimately killing us
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Sean27 View Post
Here's my honest truth - I absolutely love alcohol,
You could have picked a lot of words to describe your relationship with alcohol. You could have said "like a lot" or "enjoy immensely" or that you were "fond of" alcohol. But you said love, one of the most powerful and evocative words in our language. And you've applied it to booze.

I don't have a suggestion on how to solve your problem, but start with dismantling this disfunctional relationship you have with a substance.

Good luck.
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:15 AM
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No other word would of been telling the truth. Love is the only truthful word.

The only option I have is stay strong and do not give in to drinking, or drink myself to an early grave.

I really do think it is as black & white as that for me
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