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My drunk brain is craving drama

Old 05-06-2013, 12:22 PM
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My drunk brain is craving drama

Hey Everyone,

I'm having a hard day. I have 39 days as of today. I'm starting to figure things out and starting to even things out a bit. I'm in AA, I'm going to meetings, I'm posting here with my month clubs, I'm not drinking, blah blah blah.

But my stinkin' thinkin', or my AV, or whatever you want to call that bratty little voice in my head is just desperate for drama. See how it added that blah blah blah to the end of my last paragraph. What is up with that?

I've just been so flat for the last week or so, things aren't 24/7 drama like they used to be. Things that happen, just kinda happen now and I deal with it as they come, so even though they would have been dramatic say 2 months ago, now they're just things that happen and I deal with them and it passes.

I'M SO BORED! I mean, I didn't enjoy being a basket case, or maybe a I did, but why don't I like life being easy? What is wrong with me? How do I fix it?

Am I destined to be a flat person who just lets things roll off them now? Is this what recovery is about? I want serenity, but not if it means boring. But I don't want to drink either.

Where is the middle between drama and boredom and how do I find it?

Thanks for listening!
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by MustLoveCoffee View Post

Where is the middle between drama and boredom and how do I find it?

Thanks for listening!
Hi, MLC. Good question.

I can somewhat relate to it.

IMHO, I used to crave drama because it gave me reason to drink. It's drama - I'm so upset, etc. - I deserve a drink - I drink.

It's some kind of wicked game my mind is playing with me to get what it wants.

Sobriety is not about boredom, neither it's about cheap drama created by alcohol.

Boredom is an alert that it's time to look deep into yourself and get to know about what's that you are passionate about, what do you really want.

Ask yourself - why are you bored? Because you are waiting for something to happen, don't have clear goal, afraid of something?

Boredom is one of the main enemies of sobriety, I think. It's not easy to fight, but fighting it opens new horizons.

And, besides at 39 day your body and mind are still adjusting. At this stage of sobriety I could stare at walls for hours and felt miserable, forcing myself to move on.

Cheer up, you are doing great) Make a list of thing you'd like to achieve or dreaming about and start with something.

Best wishes to you)
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:40 PM
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When I was drinking things were always up and down. I became as addicted to the chaos as I did to the cause of it, alcohol. Take the alcohol away and the drama fades and what I was left with was what I also defined as "flat" or "boring". But what it really was that state of just "being". Peace, serenity. It was quite weird when I first experienced it but once I understood it better I became mindful of feeling "okay". Not up, not down...just perfectly okay.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:47 PM
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Maybe find healthy things to give you a Rush. You're just in the habit of firing your synapses in a negative way. I think its perfectly normal to feel flat for a while.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue View Post

Boredom is an alert that it's time to look deep into yourself and get to know about what's that you are passionate about, what do you really want.

Ask yourself - why are you bored? Because you are waiting for something to happen, don't have clear goal, afraid of something?

Make a list of thing you'd like to achieve or dreaming about and start with something.
Wow, this is great advice!
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by MustLoveCoffee View Post
in AA, I'm going to meetings...
How are coming along with your step work?

Sitting in the lobby of city hall for 4 hours waiting to get a permit is boring.

What you have is the discontent of the newly sober, who thinks life is boring without alcohol.

It's not. Work through it or you'll succumb to the false allure of alcohol.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:20 PM
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Yep, I hear ya. Maybe comparatively speaking things are calmer; your mind may be adjusting to the lack of a cycle of chemicals. You got off of the maniacally spinning merry go round. You were dizzy and unsteady on your feet after. Now you're standing on solid ground and the lack of motion seems dull. But actually it is quite exciting - where can you go from here? The possibilities are endless!
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue View Post
Boredom is one of the main enemies of sobriety, I think. It's not easy to fight, but fighting it opens new horizons.

And, besides at 39 day your body and mind are still adjusting. At this stage of sobriety I could stare at walls for hours and felt miserable, forcing myself to move on.
So true! I also was so bored without the daily drama that my drinking had created that I didn't think I was going to make it past a couple of weeks. Even though I hated the messes left over from my drunken dramas---not having any sort of soap opera going on even in a minor key sucked. Big time.

But Midnight's advice is dead-on. Your brain and your emotional wiring is still that of an alcoholic and now you're into the adjustment period. AKA:learning to feel stuff---and not feel stuff---without drink. I read a lot about this and it shocked me to realize that I had basically short-circuted most of my pleasure centers with years of constant alcohol abuse. My mind only knew how to have those highs and lows with the aid of alcohol. I couldn't get "high" naturally anymore. So when it was gone for the first month or two, I was bored stiff. Or numb. Or bored and numb. Whatever---I was flatlining and missing the emotional highs and lows immensely.

But here's the thing: it comes back without the drama! I am about three months sober and I started feeling naturally good and bad for the first time about two weeks ago. At first I had no idea what was going on ("Was that a real feeling I just had?" "Am I actually happy without being drunk?!!") but, miracle of miracles, it was true. It's subtle at first but when your brain and your emotional receptors start firing on their own again with natural stimulation, it's quite a thing. No, definitely not the high times and low times of drunken drama---but better. More subtle, but better.

Plus I recently watched a good friend go through all of this turmoil created around a relationship largely played out through booze and I thought, "Dear Lord how exhausting! I am so glad I don't have to go through that crap anymore!"

Shocking but true. Stick with it. The natural highs and lows are definitely better. Plus there's no panic about what you said or did the night before while wasted. Never having that feeling again is worth it so much more than all of my drunken drama cravings combined.

You're doing great---hang in there. It most definitely gets so much better.
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:30 PM
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Thank you for all your comments. I was a daily drinker for most of the past 6-8 years, almost all of the past four. It's good to hear that it takes more than a month or so to get my brain firing correctly. I know I was dizzy from getting off the merry-go-round, like upandup said. It makes sense that like ElegantlyWasted said it takes a while to get things firing up correctly. I'm glad that this isn't the end game.

midnightblue - a list of goals seems like sound advice. Will at least keep me moving toward something! Thanks for the advice.

doggonecarl - I have found a sponsor, but she is taking babysteps with me as my brain up to this point was just spinning and she wanted me to "breathe" first before diving into the step work. We are meeting this Friday to chat over coffee and get started. Maybe this boredom is a sign that I am ready? I've been going to beginner step meetings (1-3) and 12 step meetings, but particularly step 3 seems well out of reach at this point. I think I'm somewhere between Step 1 and Step 2. Some days I feel like I have Step 1 locked down and that I'm working on Step 2, then other days my brain plays tricks on me and tells me what I really have is a mental problem (anxiety) and not an alcohol problem, and that I was just self-medicating. Then my Step 2 works kicks in and my Higher Power says "toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe", and I realize that regardless of why my life was unreasonable, it was unreasonable, and alcohol was a huge part of that.

As I said, I don't want to go back to alcohol, I'm just having a hard time moving forward, and I'm stuck here in the flatlands. Ah well, onward and upward, I guess!
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:36 PM
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Hey MLC,

My head used to do this to me too. It was normally something along the lines of 'Everything is going ok, a little drama wouldn't hurt'. I needed chaos and drama. Now I don't. I'm happy without it. I kept going back to meetings and gradually my urge for chaos and drama died down.

Natom.
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:24 PM
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Hi MLC
I have definitely experienced what you are talking about, but my drama/craziness started long before I was a drunk. My childhood was such that intensity was the norm. That feeling of being on high alert all the time became my emotional set point at a young age. Anything considered "normal" has always felt very very flat to me. I have long since stopped drinking, but for years I continued to create that "excitement/drama" which felt so normal to me by engaging in crazy relationships and in other high risk behaviors. Just like with drinking though, there came a time when I was really struggling with feeling disjointed, incongruent, ambivalent...and also just like with drinking/drugs, I was experiencing negative consequences due to my drama seeking behaviors. So I did lots of therapy, reading, and basically stopped behaviors that were creating the swirl. I started running and developing other hobbies. I accept that my set point for the rush may always be somewhat high, so I do things that get my adrenaline going in healthy ways. It feels right to be closer to the middle now. Just know that you can be a non-drinker and still keep your "fire", if that's who you are. You will get there xo
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:43 PM
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oh how i can relate. my life drinking was nothing but dama and chaos. when i got into AA i leanred i was addicted to it! it took quite some time to get it from my head to my heart that living that was was a wee bit insane. it took T.I.M.E. for me to start to love serenity and avoid drama and chaos.
its happened for us, it will happen for you. may not be in your time, but it will happen. just dont drink and work the steps and that spiritual awakening will happen.
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:49 PM
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I was actually talking to someone about this recently. It's interesting that i never thought of it that way, but alcoholism really is a "project" (a terrible one, but nonetheless). Every day I had to get my normal stuff done while also battling a hangover, scheming for my next drink, and cleaning up whatever mess I'd caused.

Anyway, my addiction counselor was saying that many addicts/drinkers have that need for drama. She said you'll see the same personality type in professions like nursing and EMTs, etc. People who really thrive on short deadlines, life or death situations, etc.

Now, I totally do not like life or death situations. But it's true that as soon as I physically finished acute withdrawal, I immediately embarked on this yoga practice... twice a day. Which I've realized is kind of crazy (my muscles were shaking!) so I've toned it back to 5 times a week. Which means I started getting bored again, so I started a writing project.

Anyway, she expressed it as having novelty-seeking behavior. And you can find healthy outlets for that... for example, volunteering in a direct service position (like visiting the elderly, working a mental health hotline, etc), which is never the same twice. Or picking up a hobby which has results you can measure (like running, learning a foreign language, etc).

Good luck! I'm still trying to figure this out for myself, too....
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Old 05-06-2013, 07:27 PM
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I had that flat point in the first year of sobriety. It WILL change. Work those steps, call people regularly, get together outside of meetings and DO things with those other sober people, exercise, eat and cook well, clean your house regularly, join a club/hobby and start creating a well rounded life for yourself.

Boredom is only a state of mind. Getting used to non-drama is worth it and doable.

Hugs,
~SB
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