WhyIsThisMyLife

In 2006, I made my one and only post here talking about my desire to stop drinking. I was encouraged to stop, so early in my drinking, but I didn't.

Now where am I? I've had two children and continued my descent into the bottle. I've tried to stop a few times and at this point, I'm a binge drinker. I start and continue for a couple of days until I'm too sick to continue. If my liquor is cut off, I've been known to sink to drinking mouthwash or rubbing alcohol. (i realize the extreme danger of that now and hope never to sink that low again.). I keep drinking until Im too sick to continue. A couple of times, I've become so dehydrated I've passed out. I've been hospitalized three times and in mental health wards twice. Despite this, my drinking has not been discovered by my doctors and I need to maintain discretion. That is not up for discussion. I have personal reasons that could create me and my family serious issues. I realize this is a life and death situation, but still need to do it this way.

In addition, I have developed addictions to prescription pain meds and kratom (an herb that gives similar results as opiates.). I have physical addictions to codeine. I have psychological addictions to everything else.

This is basically how I am, I am very compulsive. If I am given say a benzodiazepine for anxiety, I will compulsively take it until its gone. Often 60 pills in three days or so. Right now, I might drink twice a month. It's not my choice, due to the illness it creates and it makes me do stupid things. So, due to an illness that I have, I get 110 Tylenol 3 and 110 vicodin es per month on the first and 15th. I get the t3 and go through them in a week. Then I take kratom (very expensive) until 15th. Then I go through the vicodin in a week. Back to the kratom. If there is a day when I don't have anything, I might drink or I will get some kava kava and take that. On days when I have nothing, I don't suffer physically (even though physically addicted to codeine, it only causes stomach cramps and diarrhea). I suffer greatly mentally though! I go through depression, boredom and anxiety. I try not to order the kratom due to the costs, but end up ordering more. I lay in bed at night, stressed and restless. During the day, I'm unable to work. I'm bored and I'm cranky. I yell at my children while trying to fight my cravings. Generally, I crave and order more kratom. Until that comes, I cope with kava (which I hate the taste of) or alcohol. Probably within the last five months, I have not gone three straight days without one of my substances.

I'm tired and I'm done. I already basically loathe alcohol and now, I am tired of my life being defined by a bottle of pills or FedEx bringing my herbal substance. I don't know what it is about sobriety that bothers me. I don't feel "high/euphoric" from pills or herbs. What I do when I have the drugs is take them and sit in my room, searching the Internet, sleeping, nodding out. It doesn't remove my anxiety or worry. I often have panic attacks, thinking I've taken too much of the narcotic or the Tylenol and my liver will fail. It keeps me isolated. When I have it, I can't wait to get home and go off to myself. Last night, I had family over and I wanted them to leave, so I could use. It's sad when I feel lonely so much. I know basically I want to sleep and escape the everydayness and boredom of day to day living. I know I am just ungrateful. My life is not that bad. The worse thing that I have and causes me the most anxiety is the drug alcohol problem!

Anyway, I'm back and I've decided to seek 30 days of abstinence. Let me admit, I have some pills and kratom, but more than likely it will be gone by tomorrow or Tuesday. I've tried to stop before, but now setting goals and being proactive. First, I now have a Higher Power. I am a prior atheist, but now believe that Jesus is my Savior. I have been praying to Him for deliverance. I just want the miracle. Freedom without struggling or suffering. I know I should be grateful that I am for the most part not physically addicted to these substances. It is the psychological addiction that gets me. I feel why shouldn't I take a drink or pill? It is also very hard for me to suffer when I know I can do something about it. It will soon be time for a new refill. All it takes is a call. I may get funny looks from pharmacy staff, but they will fill it.

I really need help with the boredom and feeling like I "deserve" to use. I need to learn Gratefullness and being happy where I am now. I also need to realize that I am not my thoughts and to stop reacting to my thoughts. That is the cause of my life long anxiety disorder. I have been trying to meditate (sometimes using scriptures). I think what I really need is something to do when the cravings are very strong and I DEFINITELY need to learn coping skills. I am trying to ensure I have some plan in affect. Is there anyone who will be my sponsor? I'm not going to AA meetings, but I think working the 12 steps might help. Right now, I may not be at a point where I can help others with advice, but I can pray and I hope one day to be able to give back.

Thanks so much! God bless to all! I wish you all the best in your recovery!

IWillWin

Wow. That's quite a hole you've dug. So glad you intend to stop digging.

You are among friends here, and believe me there are many of us who have used and abused more than you. Many of them have found the path to sobriety. It takes work and diligence and constant attention, especially in the beginning, but it is worth it.

I understand your reluctance to go to AA although it is anonymous there is always a chance that could be broken. Do you have the option of seeing an addiction therapist? Or perhaps being honest with your doctors and asking for their help to stop? I know you say you aren't physically addicted but the rate and amount of your consumption leads me to believe it is in your best interest to do this with medical care. There are grave dangers in withdrawal and they are real. A doctor or professional can help ensure you make it through safely. They can also help with anxiety AND are bound by law to maintain confidentially.

I wish you strength and courage on your journey - you can do it and you are worth it!!!

WhyIsThisMyLife

No, I could not see a doctor and have it on record that I have these issues. I'm really ok. No physical addiction. I have not drank since Wednesday, before that it was over a week without alcohol. My suffering is all self-inflicted and mental.

melivinsober

It's good that the issues are on record but I agree with Iwillwin. It's really important that you're open and honest with your doctor about how you feel. He may not know how serious you are taking your addictiveness right now. I say this out of experience. I wasn't honest with my Dr.s for a long time. They were very helpful only once they knew the truth.

And even if your suffering is self-inflicted and mental it is still real and serious suffering. You did mention that you would like to learn coping skills. This is very hard to learn for people like us who have relied on substances for so long. I know being discreet is important and I'm glad you've come to this site. But for me I need several sources of support, especially people I could call or sit down and chat with.

But this site is a great start. I might try AVRT too. Rational Recovery | The Crash Course On AVRT That site helped me a lot.

Quinne

While I know you have your reasons for not wanting to see a Doctor, what is it that's really stopping you? I've been seeing a Psychiatrist for two years and realised my case was nothing special when he told me he's seen hundreds of young women about my age who have gone through exactly the same thing. Pride and shame are what stopped me from being honest to begin with. Doctors are bound by laws of confidentiality, unless they perceive you to be a harm to yourself or others-that's the only context in which they can breach that confidentiality. I don't mean to sound harsh, but after what you've been through, it's possible that any of the Doctors you've seen have an inkling of what's really going on. Many are fairly well-versed in addiction. Keep posting and welcome!

Xx

Bruce292

Kratom. How I fear that herb! My doctor had never heard of it. It owned me at one point.

Keep coming back here. Keep reading. There are many kind people here who can relate.

flutter

I think it takes a long time to stop chasing a 'high'..that's part of recovery work, living life on life's terms and taking each moment naturally (which can be good, and bad sometimes ). Welcome!

Anna

I'm glad you posted here and that you have decided to stop using drugs and drinking. As far as boredom and feeling you deserve the high, that's where making changes in your life comes into recovery. Change your activities, friends, whatever you need to change so that you begin to feel satisfied with our life.

MustLoveCoffee

I'm glad you're here. Maybe try some online AA meetings? I think I've read on here that some people do those. If you're truly concerned about your anonymity being blown, but feel comfortable posting here, maybe that's something that would work for you?

I agree with melivinsober, it's hard to learn new coping skills. I really feel like I need my AA group, people that have been there, and recovered, to help show me the path to recovery. I couldn't do it alone with a book or reading a website or whatever. I need the people here at SR and at AA to help me through this.

Good luck with your 30 days of sobriety!

WhyIsThisMyLife

Please trust me when I say I have to try to do it myself despite the confidentiality laws. I am bound to allow disclosure of all. No job means no health insurance and then my telling my doctor would be pointless as I won't be able to obtain treatment. Then, I will have more to want to escape from.

WhyIsThisMyLife

Wow, Bruce! I doubted anyone here would have even heard of it. The good about it, is it totally takes away my desire to drink. The bad is I just switched addictions and its way EXPENSIVE. I don't regret it as it has kept me at drinking a few times a month rather than everyday.

WhyIsThisMyLife

Flutter: Is there somewhere to find more info on this? Living life on life's terms. I think that's been difficult for me.

ScottFromWI

There are many online resources such as SR and Online AA meetings. Have you tried reading the Big Book at all?

Regarding your aversion to letting anyone know, all I can say from personal experience is that its, very, very hard to kick these habits on your own. You say that you realize this is potentiallly a life or death situation - which it very well could be down the road. Is your confidentiality more important to you than your life?

WhyIsThisMyLife

Changing is difficult. I work till seven then I have toddlers. My husband is overseas now, our marriage wasn't working out anyway. I have a job, I used to love and now I'm not content. I think the alcohol/drugs showed me a "stress-free" life of sitting at home, out of it doing nothing. It wasn't stress free and just created more stress. I will also try rational recovery and start a blog. I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head.

Bruce292

I danced between addictions thinking one would be the cure for the last. What finally happened is I was basically addicted to everything at the same time. Kratom was just one of the many stops in the journey. For me, the only cure for addiction is sobriety .... though I hope to get addicted to sobriety itself.

WhyIsThisMyLife

I hope to become addicted to sobriety and in a way, I guess in my higher power. Now that I am a believer, I have come to believe that the void in my life is that I had no intimacy with my Creator. In becoming addicted, I mean I want it to fill the void in my life and be the thing that sustains me. I don't mean "addicted" in any type of destructive way.

I'm addicted to escaping. It is mostly mental. Be it alcohol, kratom, narcotics or even kava/kava which is supposedly non addicting. It relaxes me and makes me sleepy (noddy) and it is that I seek not any particular substance. I recall when I became addicted to codeine and alcohol. It was like a click. For alcohol, it was the first time I used it to escape from problems rather than socially. For codeine, I had taken a double amount, because my pain was severe and as I sat at my computer to work, I felt this "buzz." I may have felt it a few more times, but basically I see ever since then I have been chasing that buzz.

WhyIsThisMyLife

Scott, I will read AA's, Big Book. As to whether my confidentiality is more important to my life, that would assume that my disclosing the truth will save me. Im not sure it will help at all. After my doctors send my diagnosis to my HR and I lose my job and health insurance, if I know me, I would probably do like the guy in Leaving Las Vegas and go away on a drinking splurge that will end my life. I drink because I have no coping skills and a stupid inability to handle life on life's terms. Loss of my means of support would be huge for me. I cannot intentionally do it.

When I first came here, I posted that I needed to try to do this on my own and getting health care workers involved is off the table. I've been to lot of sites and it is like I have to defend that position. I'm not at a pont where I will go through DT's or have anything, but uncomfortable symptoms. Also, withdrawal from narcotics are not dangerous. I want help from others who have gone through this or are going through this. I want to not feel so alone.

ScottFromWI

Why:

I didn't suggest anything about doctors or medical help in my post, sorry if you took that the wrong way. My point about the life or death situation is that you admit you can't control how your habits with many different substances - and that could lead to many bad things in the future like OD, or other possible injuries/events beyond your control while under the influence. I'm just suggesting that you might find a point in time where you can't do this alone - the blunt truth is that some of us need help. And if we don't get it, we eventually succumb to it.

I had suggested reading the big book. You may want to check out some of the other recovery programs such as AVRT that involve more self motivation/control.

melivinsober

I respect that you want to start the path to sobriety. There are many ways to get there. I must tell you though: RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH.

Withdrawal from narcotics CAN be dangerous. (sure not always) that's why some of us have suggested Dr.s. But of course that's your choice. That's just the thought process we are going through. And we will never know your FULL story. Everyone who posted really cares. And we wouldn't be posting if we didn't get it. I hope you don't feel bombarded because it isn't meant that way. These are just suggestions that have helped us. Take what you can use.

One thing that surprised me was PAWS: Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms - Relapse Prevention Strategies

This one is just a good source for tools handling addiction:
Self Help Substance Abuse & Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®

Research on addition and techniques to fight it will help strengthen you on your journey.

WhyIsThisMyLife

Thanks, I wasn't taken offense and I am appreciative of everyone who has taken time to write to me. I have a physical addiction, to codeine, but have not had that in over a month. I use my substances for a few times a month and I think that prevented a lot of the physical addiction. Except alcohol. I once used that daily for years. I think it takes a while for the physical addiction to take place with alcohol. Tomorrow, I will awaken with no crutches. I will know I won't have anything all day, generally that causes anxiety and depression. I am coming from a four day abuse of narcotics. Generally, it would be time to order kratom. I feel if I let myself, I can go into a full panic attack. It's the thought of not having my crutches that bother me. I have wanted to be miraculously freed from these substances. I need to face, I will have to go through something and be grateful not to also have the physical symptoms to deal with. Just now, my husband and I got into an argument via text and that ALWAYS sends me whatever I am taking or alcohol. I definitely need something to do during those situations. Thinking I can go get vitamins or some other kind of relaxing supplement. Anyone have any ideas? I need to have something in place when he and I argue. Listen to music and dance is one option. Any other suggestions?