I considered drinking again, seriously
 

The other day I got an invite to a social function. Some of my drinking friends. This was a deal I had every reason to attend, drinking was not the main focus. But the bar was there...

The night I got the invite and accepted my mind went crazy. Thoughts of testing the water with alcohol again were so powerful I could taste it. I have not tasted alcohol in just under 5 months. I knew I was on thin ice.

All day the day of the event I was negotiating and fighting internally. My addictive voice was toying with me like a tiger plays with a kitten. As the danger became more imminent a fight or flight response kicked in. 'If you are gonna drink just cancel' the voice said. You do not have to go.

I had already read a bunch here, and talked with some close mouth friends. Prayer and meditation. Nothing was derailing these thoughts. Of trying controlled drinking again. Drinking only 2 of my favorite beers. I can only get them at a restaurant near the show. I know it's the first drink that gets me drunk! I do not want to get drunk.

I started in minute to minute living. One second at a time. I drove to meet my friends. Do not plan anything, do not bring it up... Deal with situations as they arise, That was my plan.

These people know I am sober. I was the DD. At one point the restaurant got mentioned. I froze. Can I handle being right in the arena? We went somewhere else. They drank and I stuffed myself with food and water. We went to a bar to pre-game. I drank juice and they had shots and beers.

We arrived at the event. They drank and drank. How much I really do not know. I was enjoying watching one of my favorite bands. I made a bartender happy and gave him a $5 tip for my coke. Yeah I fell off my diet.

The show was over.

My friends were rambling, slurring words, flushed faces. Peeing in public en route to the car. Smoking like a chimney. No chance of a real conversation. I don't know if they blacked out? At one point a friend says, 'its gotta suck being sober and hanging out with drunks huh?'. Yes and no.

It is boring. Connections are not there. My emotional level stayed even. I finally saw the loudness I never noticed as we all used to drink at the same pace. The smell! Alcohol stinks. After watching them drink for a night my resolve to stay sober is 1000 times higher. How quick we forget.

I drove and dropped them off safely. Went home.

I am grateful that I learned from this experience. But in all honesty I should not have been there.

Awesome post, Fallow!

Good gracious, Fallow! You had me sitting on the edge of my seat, biting my nails as I read this post.

Whew! Happy ending.

Great post and great job!

What a great experience for you, Fallow! You got the best result that you could have gotten!

And one thing I noticed. After they ordered beers at the first place we went my addictive voice went silent. There was all this buildup in my mind and it turned into peace within a matter of five minutes.

I have learned I do not like hanging in bars though. Too loud, dirty, and smelly. I don't wanna watch people making out. Spilling beers all over. Falling down drunk. Arguing over silly nonsense.

I would much rather be at home drinking tea and reading a book.

First of all, CONGRATS to you for staying sober. To be honest, sometimes this is the type of thing it takes to realize what alcoholism looks like from the outside. When you're drunk you think you're on top of the world and you're the coolest person in the world. WHen in reality you usually make a fool of yourself. Some of those people may not even realize what they did if they were blacked out. I know that was the case for myself.

Great post Fallow, I'm glad to hear your night went well and you did not drink! You confirmed something that I have been struggling with ie going out with friends that drink. Sometimes I think I can handle it, other times it just scares the heck out of me. I've been out a couple of times with friends (I'm a little under 3 months) and I go through the same battle every time "testing the water" even though I absolutely know I shouldn't the thought still pops in my head.

Knowing what you know now would you have just declined the offer?

Well done!!! I found this post very encouraging and could really relate to the internal battle of two voices - I am so glad your sober voice won:) Thank you for sharing.

Hope22, Though I would not recommend it to anyone, in hindsight I would still accept. Only because I did not drink. Even if I drank and kept it to a beer or two I know I would have been filled with fear, remorse, shame. Where would I go from there?

So yes I would still go but only because of how much I learned about my recovery.

I will not be doing something like that again anytime soon!

Someone said to me about not going to a bar "You're probably concerned you'll succumb to temptation." No. Not at all. In fact it'll just make my sobriety stronger because inside bars are when people turn into annoying jack arses. Unless they got good chicken wings there is no point stepping foot in one.

Well done! I agree, there is no connection with drunks after 2nd pint. Nothing to talk about. Boredom. I usually leave as soon as they start talking rubbish. Waste of time.

I don't know about that Fallow. Seeing the old life for what it truly is something of a spiritual experience, a huge change in thinking. I remember something similar, and shortly afterwards I realised the obsession with alcohol had been removed. I wouldn't want to have missed that:)

Fallow I could not agree more.
Sometimes I think it is a good thing to be around drunken people when your sober. It does totally strengthen your resolve.

I also get to be around a lot of people the morning after a heavy night.
It strengthens my resolve even more.

I see people who look tired, still drink, paranoid, worried about what they did or said and some must have lapsed into blackout because they try to fish for information as to what time they went to bed, left, were they loud, were they rude etc, etc.

Your right alcohol does stink, makes you boring, makes conversations of decent intelligence hard work and people let their standards slip. You saw people weeing and snogging in public, I saw that work + booze +hot tub = really bad idea!!!

And the next time you are tempted, will you do me a favour 'remember how over the moon' I was for you too and that might even more make you see it is not worth it!

My best

xxxx

Thank you Fallow for sharing your experience. I attended a large family wedding last Oct. and was surprised how loud and boring it got immediately after dinner - ugh! Of course, I never liked going out to drink, preferred to drink at home....but now I see how much I let things slide. Life is so much better sober:)

Thanks for your post fallow! I had a similar experience recently and just couldn't put it into words the way you did.... Tough stuff, huh? I can remember feeling so so so an opus the while time. Even for 2 days after, it was awful

Funny you mentioned it Sasha because I wondered how bad off they all were the next day. I know they had to be hung over! I just did not know how much as I have never simply been the observer. The whole experience really made me feel awful for my wife. She put up with so many nights of that kind. I honestly do not know how she did it. It is a wonder that she still has a speck of respect left for me :(

Never again. And I will remember that! Over the moon :)

Awesome post Fallow! Congratulations on staying sober and having such great clarity on the situation. Thanks for sharing! :)

You made my morning reading this.

Thanks for the extra inspiration!

Ken

Congrats, I hate going to bars now, too boring. Conversations with drunk people are very repetitive.