Confused..can anyone relate?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
Confused..can anyone relate?
Greetings to all, I joined this site to try and shed some more light on my most stubborn condition.
A little about my alcohol history-I was raised in a home with a violent alc father and a mother who succumbed to it by the time I was 16 and
I have always been very sensitive to the effects of alcohol..? inherited intolerance/allergy?
Teens- blackouts, not addicted yet, could take or leave the stuff
twenties- not a daily drinker but when I did, could not stop until I passed or blacked out
thirties - married to a very controlling man, had several children so managed to control it to weekly with occasional breakout/overuse.
forties - divorce, succumbed to the drink, would start 5pm drink till pass out, lost kids in custody due to my erratic behaviour. Managed to stay sober for 4 years but picked up again when in relationship with an alc man.
fifties - blacked out again, very scary episodes of drink driving.. moved to rural area to start again, managed to stop for 5 months last year but picked up again
This year trying to stay stopped BUT can manage to control it to one drink per week at moment ..???
suffer from chronic depression which alcohol makes much worse, even just one drink tips me over into despair..cant stop it..its the mental obsession..as think about THAT ONE DRINK! for days before hand.
I am desperate to stop altogether but my mind is against me with all sorts of excuses to take that drink. Have been to AA in past, can relate to personality issues discussed but not the morning/daily/round the clock routine.
The question I am asking is ..due to my age does it seem possible that I have just burned out, matured out or damaged my brain with the blackouts so thats WHY I cannot stay stopped? I know that it only takes one moment of weakness for 1 to turn into a bottle ..then suicidal depression, despair, and god forbid drinkdriving again.
I suppose it all comes down to beating this damn mental obsession that despite prayer all day long of Lord make me willing! seems to have beaten me.
A little about my alcohol history-I was raised in a home with a violent alc father and a mother who succumbed to it by the time I was 16 and
I have always been very sensitive to the effects of alcohol..? inherited intolerance/allergy?
Teens- blackouts, not addicted yet, could take or leave the stuff
twenties- not a daily drinker but when I did, could not stop until I passed or blacked out
thirties - married to a very controlling man, had several children so managed to control it to weekly with occasional breakout/overuse.
forties - divorce, succumbed to the drink, would start 5pm drink till pass out, lost kids in custody due to my erratic behaviour. Managed to stay sober for 4 years but picked up again when in relationship with an alc man.
fifties - blacked out again, very scary episodes of drink driving.. moved to rural area to start again, managed to stop for 5 months last year but picked up again
This year trying to stay stopped BUT can manage to control it to one drink per week at moment ..???
suffer from chronic depression which alcohol makes much worse, even just one drink tips me over into despair..cant stop it..its the mental obsession..as think about THAT ONE DRINK! for days before hand.
I am desperate to stop altogether but my mind is against me with all sorts of excuses to take that drink. Have been to AA in past, can relate to personality issues discussed but not the morning/daily/round the clock routine.
The question I am asking is ..due to my age does it seem possible that I have just burned out, matured out or damaged my brain with the blackouts so thats WHY I cannot stay stopped? I know that it only takes one moment of weakness for 1 to turn into a bottle ..then suicidal depression, despair, and god forbid drinkdriving again.
I suppose it all comes down to beating this damn mental obsession that despite prayer all day long of Lord make me willing! seems to have beaten me.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Gosh, I can relate to your despair. Maybe you are beaten. Perhaps it's time to surrender, things only seem to be getting worse the more you fight. I reached a point where I realised I was completely powerless, I lost the power of choice in drink, either way.
I notice you tried AA. What was it you tried? Some meetings? Some steps? AA seems to be a bit like a course of antibiotics. It may not work if you don't take the whole course. I found the solution was to try and get my life onto a spiritual plain through the 12 steps. When I took this course, honestly and willingly, that awful obsession was lifted and life took on new meaning.
I notice you tried AA. What was it you tried? Some meetings? Some steps? AA seems to be a bit like a course of antibiotics. It may not work if you don't take the whole course. I found the solution was to try and get my life onto a spiritual plain through the 12 steps. When I took this course, honestly and willingly, that awful obsession was lifted and life took on new meaning.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
blackouts. only alcoholics get them, especially so early in their drinking history.
If you go back to AA, try to relate in and not out; not everyone drinks around the clock, that is just how the progression is.
glad you found SR!
If you go back to AA, try to relate in and not out; not everyone drinks around the clock, that is just how the progression is.
glad you found SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Welcome to SR lotus!
If you are asking whether you are one of the "unfortunates" that AA talks about, I would say no. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and your post illustrates this quite well. Your age has nothing to do with your inability to stop drinking, but your disease has everything to do with it. Even the most hopeless alcoholics have been able to find recovery.
You need to treat your disease just like you would any other disease. Perhaps consider an outpatient treatment program in your area to give you the foundation to be successful. AA didn't work for me when I first tried it either. It took a lot of work on my part to get the ball rolling: treatment, therapy, psychiatry, AA, sponsor, actively working the steps, SR, etc. You just need to try things to find your program. Just don't give up- your life depends on it.
Again, welcome. Stick around, read, post. This is a great community.
If you are asking whether you are one of the "unfortunates" that AA talks about, I would say no. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and your post illustrates this quite well. Your age has nothing to do with your inability to stop drinking, but your disease has everything to do with it. Even the most hopeless alcoholics have been able to find recovery.
You need to treat your disease just like you would any other disease. Perhaps consider an outpatient treatment program in your area to give you the foundation to be successful. AA didn't work for me when I first tried it either. It took a lot of work on my part to get the ball rolling: treatment, therapy, psychiatry, AA, sponsor, actively working the steps, SR, etc. You just need to try things to find your program. Just don't give up- your life depends on it.
Again, welcome. Stick around, read, post. This is a great community.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
Hi mike, to answer your query I have half heartedly tried i.d. meetings and am presently doing a christian based course called Celebrate recovery .. I'm too ashamed to talk about my alcohol issue so I probarly belong back in AA
What sort of alcoholic am I if I can presentlly stop at one drink???
What sort of alcoholic am I if I can presentlly stop at one drink???
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
blackouts. only alcoholics get them, especially so early in their drinking history.
Thanks in advance
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Originally Posted by RevivingOphelia
I'm curious about this statement; can you please share any information that expounds upon it?
Thanks in advance
Thanks in advance
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by CharlieNoogan
The statement is not true. I know plenty of normies that have had blackouts. Drink enough alcohol, and you will blackout - alcoholic or not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 131
The hopeless feeling is something I can say probably all of us have experienced in various stages of our drinking/using.
I try not to pigeon-hole people with statistics since I am the absolute last person to even offer proof or not of validity of said percentages. If you think you have problems with drinking, no 'scale' can be used to compare the severity of where you stand with your present situation.
The obsessive thoughts about drinking can be part of the monster, normal people don't watch a clock for days winding down to the time they can finally have a drink - even if it's just one drink.
You might find that the depression gets better when you stop drinking. Yes, it's not easy and the lure of that one drink becomes a monster in itself.
You must have patience, it sucks at first but the rewards are a benefit 100's of times over that drinking your problems away. (Which never hapens)
I try not to pigeon-hole people with statistics since I am the absolute last person to even offer proof or not of validity of said percentages. If you think you have problems with drinking, no 'scale' can be used to compare the severity of where you stand with your present situation.
The obsessive thoughts about drinking can be part of the monster, normal people don't watch a clock for days winding down to the time they can finally have a drink - even if it's just one drink.
You might find that the depression gets better when you stop drinking. Yes, it's not easy and the lure of that one drink becomes a monster in itself.
You must have patience, it sucks at first but the rewards are a benefit 100's of times over that drinking your problems away. (Which never hapens)
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Originally Posted by lotusflower4
managed to stop for 5 months last year but picked up again
I think it unlikely you are too far gone- the journey is worth it
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Welcome to SR x
I can relate to your post. I also spent a long time finding reasons why I was NOT an alcoholic. I stopped drinking throughout my pregnancies, I never got into trouble with the police, I didn't lose my marriage etc etc.
For me, it was about the mental obsession as you describe, when I wasn't actually drinking I was obsessing about it. I would be continually having to set myself limits...don't drink on a work night, never after 9 p.m, never before 6 p.m. My life got smaller and smaller until drink became my overwhelming thought, and I too was depressed and anxious.
To be free of that is totally liberating.
For me, it's less about labelling ourselves and more about accepting that this behaviour isn't 'normal'. My non-alcoholic friends don't think about alcohol incessantly, they can take it or leave it.
Keep posting, you will find lots of support here x
I can relate to your post. I also spent a long time finding reasons why I was NOT an alcoholic. I stopped drinking throughout my pregnancies, I never got into trouble with the police, I didn't lose my marriage etc etc.
For me, it was about the mental obsession as you describe, when I wasn't actually drinking I was obsessing about it. I would be continually having to set myself limits...don't drink on a work night, never after 9 p.m, never before 6 p.m. My life got smaller and smaller until drink became my overwhelming thought, and I too was depressed and anxious.
To be free of that is totally liberating.
For me, it's less about labelling ourselves and more about accepting that this behaviour isn't 'normal'. My non-alcoholic friends don't think about alcohol incessantly, they can take it or leave it.
Keep posting, you will find lots of support here x
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by lotusflower4
What sort of alcoholic am I if I can presentlly stop at one drink???
like i said, that's just my scenario. so why are you drinking that one drink once a week? is it worth it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Welcome lotusflower!
I could stop at one drink but the mental obsession was intense. Even when I was drinking my one drink, I would be planning when I could drink more. I also would feel intense despair after just one drink (even if I felt fine before drinking). There were lots of times when I drank more than one drink, but I was totally capable of drinking just one.
Our brains are amazingly good at healing. I am sure that you can get and stay sober. For me (and I think for lots of people)- the mental obsession decreases once you are sober for a while. By drinking one drink a week, you are keeping the door open and fueling the obsessions.
I could stop at one drink but the mental obsession was intense. Even when I was drinking my one drink, I would be planning when I could drink more. I also would feel intense despair after just one drink (even if I felt fine before drinking). There were lots of times when I drank more than one drink, but I was totally capable of drinking just one.
Our brains are amazingly good at healing. I am sure that you can get and stay sober. For me (and I think for lots of people)- the mental obsession decreases once you are sober for a while. By drinking one drink a week, you are keeping the door open and fueling the obsessions.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Jeni26
Welcome to SR x
I can relate to your post. I also spent a long time finding reasons why I was NOT an alcoholic. I stopped drinking throughout my pregnancies, I never got into trouble with the police, I didn't lose my marriage etc etc.
For me, it was about the mental obsession as you describe, when I wasn't actually drinking I was obsessing about it. I would be continually having to set myself limits...don't drink on a work night, never after 9 p.m, never before 6 p.m. My life got smaller and smaller until drink became my overwhelming thought, and I too was depressed and anxious.
To be free of that is totally liberating.
For me, it's less about labelling ourselves and more about accepting that this behaviour isn't 'normal'. My non-alcoholic friends don't think about alcohol incessantly, they can take it or leave it.
Keep posting, you will find lots of support here x
I can relate to your post. I also spent a long time finding reasons why I was NOT an alcoholic. I stopped drinking throughout my pregnancies, I never got into trouble with the police, I didn't lose my marriage etc etc.
For me, it was about the mental obsession as you describe, when I wasn't actually drinking I was obsessing about it. I would be continually having to set myself limits...don't drink on a work night, never after 9 p.m, never before 6 p.m. My life got smaller and smaller until drink became my overwhelming thought, and I too was depressed and anxious.
To be free of that is totally liberating.
For me, it's less about labelling ourselves and more about accepting that this behaviour isn't 'normal'. My non-alcoholic friends don't think about alcohol incessantly, they can take it or leave it.
Keep posting, you will find lots of support here x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS
you're an alcoholic. just a regular, ole alcoholic. many of us can stop or even control our drinking for a while but we will inevitably end up back where we were, often worse if we continue to think that we can drink with restraint. why are you drinking that one drink anyways? are you trying to prove to yourself that you're not an alcoholic? a normal person drinks when they want to and with restraint. an alcoholic drinking once a week sounds to me like someone who's trying to prove that they're stronger than their addiction. that they've got it all together and can beat addiction with willpower alone. personally, if i was drinking once a week, i would kind of obsess over it. when i'm going to do it, what i'm going to have, where i'm going to have it and a little piece of me would be wondering if this was the beginning of a bender. then, after the drink, i'd be thinking about how i only had one and that it was okay and it's going to be a long week until i can have that next drink. so one day, i drink in the middle of the week because i've proven to myself that i have control. then i decide that i can drink every couple of days or so and from there it's a rapid progression into a bender, which, if i'd been honest with myself from the beginning, is where i knew i'd eventually end up.
like i said, that's just my scenario. so why are you drinking that one drink once a week? is it worth it?
like i said, that's just my scenario. so why are you drinking that one drink once a week? is it worth it?
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