Blogs


Notices

Still Drunk

Old 05-03-2013, 11:14 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pymble
Posts: 9
Thumbs down Still Drunk

I'm still drunk.

I need to stop doing this. But after it all wears off I seem to trick myself into thinking I'm OK and I can drink and then I do it all again!

I'm a binge drinker. Hardly drink except when socialising. When I socialise I get totally out of control. I can't even mention what I did last night. Screw it I will. I slept with someone who is engaged (a work colleague), made out with another work colleague and spent about $1000 on booze and strippers. Smoked cigarettes (hadn't smoked in two weeks).

Was meant to play footy (something I love), couldn't do that, too hungover.Team lost. Let everyone down. Massive domestic with family, family dinner called off. It's always the same. Anyone else a binge drinker who stopped drinking completely? I think I need to stop forever. I want to.
vatutin11 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to vatutin11 For This Useful Post:
least (05-04-2013), mecanix (05-03-2013), trikyriky (05-04-2013)
Old 05-03-2013, 11:30 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
lastchance24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by vatutin11 View Post
I'm still drunk.

I need to stop doing this. But after it all wears off I seem to trick myself into thinking I'm OK and I can drink and then I do it all again!

I'm a binge drinker. Hardly drink except when socialising. When I socialise I get totally out of control. I can't even mention what I did last night. Screw it I will. I slept with someone who is engaged (a work colleague), made out with another work colleague and spent about $1000 on booze and strippers. Smoked cigarettes (hadn't smoked in two weeks).

Was meant to play footy (something I love), couldn't do that, too hungover.Team lost. Let everyone down. Massive domestic with family, family dinner called off. It's always the same. Anyone else a binge drinker who stopped drinking completely? I think I need to stop forever. I want to.
Oh how you wouldn't believe how much I can relate to you! I went to treatment 2 years ago and tricked myself into thinking I was "cured." Slowly but surely I started to binge drink to the point where I would black out numerous times per week. If you're not there yet, you very well could get there!

I'm not ashamed to say it because I've come to terms with it... I've slept with numerous people i shouldn't have, spent $1000's in one night on strippers, and smoked cigarettes when I was trying to quit all due to this addiction!

The only advice I can give you is that if you really want to stop you need to TAKE ACTION. For me the action was going to an outpatient program and AA. I can't give you the best advice because I'm new to the program (for the 2nd time). But I can tell you that I'm dedicated to it. And there's no fooling the addiction. You can fool yourself into thinking you're ok, or that you can do it on your own. But if you truly know you need to stop (and truly want to), you need to take ACTION. For most of us, if you don't take action it will only progress.

FWIW, that's my 2 cents.
lastchance24 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to lastchance24 For This Useful Post:
mecanix (05-03-2013), visch1 (05-04-2013)
Old 05-03-2013, 11:37 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 429
I wish you could truly understand how much you are Not Unique in this!
As sad as it sounds that we all like to think we are so original in this world.
Truth be told you are coming to admit your powerless, and no longer want this life.
Best part is you are sharing it with many people that know that same feeling.
And want very much to see you Sober too.

Please stay around here. Read, post, listen. Much Wisdom & Kindness here.

Be Strong
Peace~
YouRmySunshine is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to YouRmySunshine For This Useful Post:
mecanix (05-03-2013), trikyriky (05-04-2013)
Old 05-03-2013, 11:40 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 236
Sounds like me when I was drinking. Didn't drink too often but when I did I went all out ! And although it was fun it came with many regrets, less money and feeling like crap, and wasn't worth it all. For the longest time I didn't think I had a problem because it wasn't everyday and thought I just liked to party, but soon I found out that is the case times ten. Get out while you can. Stop drinking and start feeling better. I've never felt so great.
SoberHappyHour is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to SoberHappyHour For This Useful Post:
mecanix (05-03-2013), trikyriky (05-04-2013)
Old 05-03-2013, 11:45 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pymble
Posts: 9
Thanks for the replies guys. I just hope I can repay the favour when it's needed. I know I'm not unique but I find it hard to see myself as having a problem when society sees this kind of binge drinking as normal and even encourages it.

But don't get me wrong, I know I do have a problem and need to stop. I cave under pressure though. Full on people pleaser.
vatutin11 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to vatutin11 For This Useful Post:
least (05-04-2013), mecanix (05-03-2013)
Old 05-03-2013, 11:48 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
lastchance24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by vatutin11 View Post
Thanks for the replies guys. I just hope I can repay the favour when it's needed. I know I'm not unique but I find it hard to see myself as having a problem when society sees this kind of binge drinking as normal and even encourages it.

But don't get me wrong, I know I do have a problem and need to stop. I cave under pressure though. Full on people pleaser.
I think that's the reason a lot of people don't seek help. Diabetes is a disease, cancer is a disease, and what we have is a disease. Until society realizes and recognizes this as a disease it will always be taboo. You just have to have the strength and courage to admit that you're powerless over your disease.
lastchance24 is offline  
Old 05-03-2013, 11:48 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
rainyengland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 742
Good luck with it!.. Just stick what happened in past and learn from it

I started as a binge drinker and doing daft things like you did at weekends- it soon turned into a full blown 7 days a week wreck for years- your doing the right thing and addressing to now before it really gets out of hand
rainyengland is online now  
The Following User Says Thank You to rainyengland For This Useful Post:
lastchance24 (05-03-2013)
Old 05-03-2013, 11:49 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
lastchance24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by rainyengland View Post
Good luck with it!.. Just stick what happened in past and learn from it

I started as a binge drinker and doing daft things like you did at weekends- it soon turned into a full blown 7 days a week wreck for years- your doing the right thing and addressing to now before it really gets out of hand
lastchance24 is offline  
Old 05-03-2013, 11:56 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by vatutin11 View Post
I'm still drunk.

I need to stop doing this. But after it all wears off I seem to trick myself into thinking I'm OK and I can drink and then I do it all again!

I'm a binge drinker. Hardly drink except when socialising. When I socialise I get totally out of control. I can't even mention what I did last night. Screw it I will. I slept with someone who is engaged (a work colleague), made out with another work colleague and spent about $1000 on booze and strippers. Smoked cigarettes (hadn't smoked in two weeks).

Was meant to play footy (something I love), couldn't do that, too hungover.Team lost. Let everyone down. Massive domestic with family, family dinner called off. It's always the same. Anyone else a binge drinker who stopped drinking completely? I think I need to stop forever. I want to.
Hey Vatutin,

Well done for coming on here, sharing and being honest!

I am all too familiar with the paralysing day-after anxiety. I am a binge drinker, only drink when socialising (or at least that is when I start, but if there is alcohol when I get back home I would drink that too...) Once I start I cannot stop, and 9 times out of 10 I would black out, still function but have no recollection of the out of control things I said or did. I could fill pages with embarrassing and shameful stories. I've slept and made out with all the wrong people, often when in a relationship, and let people down the day after, telling myself this is the last time, only to do it again a couple of days later.

I am now 6 days sober, after my last slip on Saturday - when, as always, I had managed to suppress the awful memories of my last binge drinking session 17 days prior and convinced myself I could have a few glasses and then stop... I have tried every trick in the book to drink moderately, it doesn't work. Now I am trying to take one day at the time, finding wonderful support on here. Someone told me something very insightful on here: "it is the first glass that gets me drunk", which is very true, one glass and I am on a straight path to destructive behaviour.

I think as an "occasional binge drinker" it is sometimes easy to fool yourself into thinking you are not an alcoholic. But not being able to stop once you start, even if that is just once a month, is serious. And, from what I have read on here, it is often the beginning of drinking more often, until you drink alone and/or every day.

I can't do moderation and I can't deal with the anxiety anymore - I fear the day I do or say something which cannot be forgiven or forgotten.

I've used so much energy suppressing shameful stories, lying to myself and others, running away from underlying issues to my drinking, obsessing and worrying about alcohol, feeling regret and remorse, I just cannot cope with it anymore. That is why I am here, and that is why I want to remain sober. Another good thing someone told me on here (this place is full of insightful and incredible people): try to commit yourself to recovery, not to "not drinking". I find it is easier to think that I am adding something positive to my life, than removing something from it.

Recovery for me involves many things: being kinder to myself, taking better care of myself physically and mentally, being more open and honest etc.

One day at a time. This is my day 7. Making it through this day without having that first glass is my goal.

I am here to listen if you need to talk. Stay on here, find support and find strength by supporting others. You say you think you need stop forever. Take it from someone who has been in your shoes too many times: you do.

Don't beat yourself up about the past but try to envision a future where the anxiety and regret you experience today is not part of your daily life. You've been very brave to come on here, confessing and confronting your problem. Together we can get through this.
Sobreia is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Sobreia For This Useful Post:
BikerAcct (05-04-2013), Skyhawker (05-04-2013), vatutin11 (05-04-2013), xnarcissist (05-04-2013), YouRmySunshine (05-03-2013)
Old 05-03-2013, 11:57 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
That bell or bike person
 
mecanix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,985
Blog Entries: 12
I could go a week between drinking sessions , what made my drinking a problem was what hppens after i have the first one ..
sometimes i'd be ok othertimes i'd get into dangerous situations and because i was on a blackout i'd have little recolection of anything .

I can't control alcohol once it's in my body , i'm far happier , nicer and healthier without it .

Bestwishes , M
mecanix is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to mecanix For This Useful Post:
Sasha4 (05-04-2013), xnarcissist (05-04-2013)
Old 05-04-2013, 12:04 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
flujays's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 223
Good Luck Vatutnin11, you are where you need to be... and so am i.... again. hugs and much love and support to you.
flujays is offline  
Old 05-04-2013, 12:08 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by vatutin11 View Post
Thanks for the replies guys. I just hope I can repay the favour when it's needed. I know I'm not unique but I find it hard to see myself as having a problem when society sees this kind of binge drinking as normal and even encourages it.

But don't get me wrong, I know I do have a problem and need to stop. I cave under pressure though. Full on people pleaser.
"Full on people pleaser" that is me in a nutshell! And that is a big part of the problem, in many parts of my life. I please others, at the expense of my own health and wellbeing. Also, it is a short term type of pleasing, because in the long run I do fail a lot of people, I am not being honest, I betray and alcohol makes me do and say things I would otherwise never do.

I find I cave under pressure because I don't admit to myself the full extent of my problem, I become so easily persuaded. People do have a tendency to encourage others to drink even if they realise you have a problem, sometimes because they take comfort in knowing that you are the out of control person who will make everyone else look "normal" or good. I sound cynical, but I do think that, subconsciously, this might be the case.

Also, others might not realise the extent of your problem as you hide it from them because you don't want to confront it yourself. Many people feel uncomfortable talking about drinking problems because it means they will have to think about their own drinking habits, which in our society are often quite unhealthy. I grew up in Sweden and have lived in London for several years, in both places binge drinking is almost the norm...
Sobreia is offline  
Old 05-04-2013, 12:17 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Posts: 85,789
Blog Entries: 32
to SR! Do you have a plan in place for staying sober? AA or another program? Counseling? It's important to back up your plan with action. I know you can do this. I gave up drinking and don't miss it one bit.
least is online now  
The Following User Says Thank You to least For This Useful Post:
visch1 (05-04-2013)
Old 05-04-2013, 12:19 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by lastchance24 View Post

I think that's the reason a lot of people don't seek help. Diabetes is a disease, cancer is a disease, and what we have is a disease. Until society realizes and recognizes this as a disease it will always be taboo. You just have to have the strength and courage to admit that you're powerless over your disease.
This so so true and thinking about alcoholism this way has been very helpful to me. Alcoholism becomes a stigma as people look down on us because we cannot control our drinking, as if we are making the choice to be out of control. I've struggled for so long thinking that I need to learn how to control my drinking, feeling ashamed because I have no control, feeling that it is my own fault, my lack of self discipline, morale etc. Admitting to myself that I have a disease has been a relief. Recovery from it will be a life long commitment, it will be hard, but I don't want the alternative: the shame, anxiety, dysfunctional relationships, depression... and, most likely, premature death.
Sobreia is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Sobreia For This Useful Post:
lastchance24 (05-04-2013)
Old 05-04-2013, 03:42 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pymble
Posts: 9
deleted

deleted
vatutin11 is offline  
Old 05-04-2013, 03:51 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pymble
Posts: 9
Thanks again

Originally Posted by Sobreia View Post

I can't do moderation and I can't deal with the anxiety anymore - I fear the day I do or say something which cannot be forgiven or forgotten.

I've used so much energy suppressing shameful stories, lying to myself and others, running away from underlying issues to my drinking, obsessing and worrying about alcohol, feeling regret and remorse, I just cannot cope with it anymore. That is why I am here, and that is why I want to remain sober. Another good thing someone told me on here (this place is full of insightful and incredible people): try to commit yourself to recovery, not to "not drinking". I find it is easier to think that I am adding something positive to my life, than removing something from it.

.
Sobreia, that sums my situation up very well, thank you. I need to build a new lifestyle, not simply keep on telling myself I can't drink. Thank you all for your responses. I have been in a pretty dark place and you guys got me through. I know that now the real work starts and that I have to be committed and I think coming here on a daily basis will help to keep me on that path. It's not going to be harder than feeling like this and letting myself and everyone else important down by drinking though.
vatutin11 is offline  
Old 05-04-2013, 04:13 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Vatutin,

Don't forget you're not alone and remember to seek support, on both good and bad days. I easily forget that recovery is something I need to actively work on, every day. It is easy, once the anxiety of the day after has lifted and you've regained your footing a little, to convince yourself that you can have just a couple of glasses... That's when you need to get on here and have people remind you that you can't.

Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up over yesterday. Rest and recover and feel proud of yourself for having the courage to admit you have a problem. That's a big step. I am still in the very early stages of sobriety (did 17 days, then relapsed a week ago).

What I have found helpful so far is: 1. Sober Recovery, so many insightful, kind and caring people on here. I've been able to get through days and even feel good by the end, when initially I was subsumed in complete darkness, 2. Trying to talk to close friends and family about my problem. To seek support but also to let people know that I do not want to drink so I won't be persuaded or cave into cravings so easily, 3. Keeping a journal, to identify triggers, to deal with difficult emotions etc. 4. Taking care of myself physically, exercise, have loads of water (or some nice non alcoholic drink) and eat well, pamper myself, 5. Mindfulness meditation

I am also contemplating AA and/or cognitive behavioural therapy, to deal with issues I've been running away from by drinking, and that have been enhanced by drinking and made me drink more. Viscous circle...

One day at the time. We can do this!
Sobreia is offline  
Old 05-04-2013, 04:20 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pymble
Posts: 9
Sobreia

Hi Sobreia,

I definitely need to rest and recover. I haven't slept a wink really and it was one heck of a bender. Once again you were spot on about when the hangover passes and the anxiety lifts, that's something I need to be very wary of. Just before your rely I could even sense myself talking myself into drinking again, well at least contemplating the possibility of it/imagining moderation (which I can never do).

I'm going to start going to a SMART recovery meeting. I've been a couple of times before and I think you may find them useful if you want to try a non 12 step approach.

I really like your name. I assume it's not your real name. Is it a reference to sobriety?
vatutin11 is offline  
Old 05-04-2013, 04:37 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Another thought:

Being an "occasional binge drinker" made it pretty easy for me to downplay my problem, it was almost socially accepted and I didn't feel the need to drink every day. In my mind I didn't fit the description of an alcoholic, I just needed to be more disciplined, not drink when not feeling well mentally, drink more water, drink beer instead of wine, drink slower etc etc. I did completely insane things, but people kept downplaying them because they could see how miserable I felt the day after or didn't want to admit that they too behaved out of control.

Feeling paralysed with shame and anxiety the day after drinking, being panic stricken as I had no recollection of what had happened the night before, being unable to enjoy social occasions because I was either being nervous about getting too drunk or not getting drunk enough (!), missing out on things I enjoy, having relationship problems, being depressed, letting people down, neglecting work, apologising all the time, lying and making up excuses, all of this became normal to me. But this is not what I want my life to be like. Actually, looking at it this way, drinking really is hard work! All that effort making myself feel miserable! I'd rather use that energy to feel good.

After committing to recovery, although I had relapses, I am starting to feel "whole" in a way I haven't don't in a long time. Not split into a good controlled person and a bad out of control person, not the judgemental self and the person who tries to escape self judgment by drinking... I realise my life has been so much about extremes and absolutes, I've lost track of myself. Now, I am not feeling amazing, but I am not feeling miserable either. I am beginning to see a little glimpse of something that might be called harmony or balance, self-acceptance.
Sobreia is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sobreia For This Useful Post:
flujays (05-04-2013), mecanix (05-04-2013), vatutin11 (05-04-2013)
Old 05-04-2013, 04:46 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by vatutin11 View Post
Hi Sobreia,

I definitely need to rest and recover. I haven't slept a wink really and it was one heck of a bender. Once again you were spot on about when the hangover passes and the anxiety lifts, that's something I need to be very wary of. Just before your rely I could even sense myself talking myself into drinking again, well at least contemplating the possibility of it/imagining moderation (which I can never do).

I'm going to start going to a SMART recovery meeting. I've been a couple of times before and I think you may find them useful if you want to try a non 12 step approach.

I really like your name. I assume it's not your real name. Is it a reference to sobriety?
I actually thought the other day that I may have chosen an overly optimistic name by calling myself Sobreia... I combined the word Sobriety and my own name. But let's say I remain an optimist - have been one for 15 years now thinking that one day I will learn how to drink moderately, from now on, hopefully, I'll be optimistic about staying sober.
Sobreia is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Sobreia For This Useful Post:
mecanix (05-04-2013)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:26 PM.