why can't i get it right?
 

hey, friends. I've been in and out of a.a. for 3 yrs now. I had almost a year and felt great, then for the past yr I have been in and out, over and over. I feel like I can't get back the feeling I had when I was sober almost a year. I want it back so badly but I don't know how I did it. I am so tired of drinking. I hate it and I feel like I do it to sabotage myself if that makes any sense? my family cut me off a few years ago b/c they didn't agree with the skin color of my spouse. well that took a toll on the marriage and while him and I are best friends, we will probably be divorcing and I feel like he's the only family I have. he does not drink, and my drinking escalated during the 3+ yrs we've been married. I just feel so hopeless, I feel like my life has been a mess for yrs, my family said I am dead to them even after we watched my younger brother die in front of us only a few yrs ago to cancer. I can't wrap my head around the fact that my parents and siblings won't even see me or acknowledge i'm alive, that I can't see my nieces and nephew. I am a good person and just b/c they didn't like my husband's skin color. the relapsing, the freaking out about losing my only family member, the continuing to stop doing things that I know are healthy for me, the isolating myself. I am miserable. I want that sobriety back that I had, and I want it even stronger so that I don't relapse again. I just don't know where to start and I have such a hard time reaching out. my sponsor and a.a. friends are great but I just always say, i'm fine. b/c I don't feel that people want to listen to me complain about how much **** sucks right now. bottom like if your own parents tell you are nothing to them, you are dead to them, you will think of yourself as a piece of dirt on the bottom of a shoe. I don't even share in meetings b/c I feel why would I have anything to contribute other than to get a pile of white chips. right now i'm in a pity party but I just don't want to live this way anymore, feeling so alone, and now about to lose my only close family member, my husband, as we both feel we should divorce even though we still love each other and are best friends. i'm just a mess and don't know what to do. I am 34 and in emotional turmoil. there just has to be more to life than this and I need to get over my family rejecting me b/c it is what drove me to become a drunk and to obsess over it before realizing I could not change them.:c021::c004::a108::react:thanks:gaah but even serial killers' parents still love them. it makes me feel like I the scum of the earth that my parents, my brother and sister and their kids, all of us who shared the extremely emotional experience of watching my younger brother die, then they kick me out of the family for being with someone darker skinned than me? I live out of state from them so that helps but really the only family I have is my sponsor, my husband for now, and my 2 dogs. I struggle with depression, after watching the brother die as it was very graphic. I just want to get the happy sober feeling back I remember started feeling when I would get 3 month or 6 month chip, like I was finally doing something good instead of always ******* every thing up. i'm all over the place but I know someone will be albe to relate to rambling. thanks! hugs

Hi Zoid,
I can relate to the misery you are suffering, but I can only guess at why. I know one or two folks with stories like yours and there problem seems to be resistance to one or more of the steps. The AA way to recovery is to get our lives on a spiritual path through action on the steps as a way of life. How did you get on with this? Did you reach a point of agreement with the ABCs?
A) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives, B) that probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism and C) that God could and would if he were sought. Being convinced, we were at step 3. Were you convinced and did you take action?

Hopefully, these questions will help you work out what needs to be done next.

I think I am able to sometimes do what's suggested, such as pray about it, ask God to remove this from me. then often don't feel l am getting answers to things I pray about. I try to pray for things for other not so much for myself, but I may ask if and when it be God's will, to please help me make the right decision to divorce, or what not.

and if you're not sure how to look for God speaking back to you or your connectioin isn't that strong yet, it can be hard to tell if what's coming to you is God's will, or your own will. does that make sense?

Yup, that makes perfect sense. I think I started trying to practice step 11 (prayer) almost from day 1. I didn't believe, I had no "feeling" of a God, but I was willing and had decided to give the AA way a try. Step 10 was similar, it just seemed to me that it made sense to fix any new mistakes as I went along. I did this stuff mainly because the group the nearest thing I could think of to a Higher Power, seemed to think it was important.

Somehow this lead to me wanting to take the other steps, 4-9, the ones I least wanted to do originally. What I found was that these steps seemed to clear away things that were blocking me from the god of my understanding and by the time I got past step 5, I was beginning to have a real feeling and a real belief. By step 9 the obsession had been lifted and has never returned.

I still practice 10 and 11 and it has become part of my life. The God consciousness is more or less a working part of my mind. My point is that this happened as the result of the steps, but at the start I was flying on blind faith.

I had the same problem many years ago with my bf. My mother stopped talking to me for a while over it. I had to just live my life and hope that she would come around - which she did, eventually.

I understand how you must feel. I hope you can get sober. We're here to listen and support you. :hug: