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Relationship is changing

Old 04-30-2013, 04:58 PM
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Relationship is changing

My boyfriend thinks he can still drink in front of me because he shouldn't be punished for my problem. What are your thoughts on that? He is drinking beer, which was never my thing, but it's still alcohol.

I just had my first one on one therapy session yesterday and the therapist asked me about my relationship. I feel that after getting sober, all these feelings are coming out. I drank to not feel anything and now I feel everything. Do any relationships last after recovery/rehab? I'm starting outpatient and it's going to be intense. Drinking made me laid back and not really care about anything. Now I have an opinion, my opinion, and I don't like how a lot of things are going in my relationship. Any thoughts?
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:02 PM
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While it would be very considerate of your boyfriend to agree to not drink around you, we can't really expect other people to change their lives because we have a problem.

It could be that as you get stronger in recovery, you will decide that this is only one point of contention in the relationship. As you recover, you may decide that you deserve someone different.
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:06 PM
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Suki - that is my biggest fear. I fear that he may not actually be the one for me. When I quit drinking, I was concerned that we weren't going to have anything in common because we have been drinking buddies for 6 long years. He wasn't concerned. I know that I can't change him but I didn't think I would change so much, so fast.
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:13 PM
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It's your relationship, Patty. It's what you think.

Give time a bit more time before making an quick decision and keep focusing on your own recovery. You'll know what to do when it needs to be done (or not).

Hugs,
~SB
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:13 PM
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It's your problem, not his. I remember my family offering to have a booze free home to help me recover, and I said the same thing. This is my problem, not yours - but it was nice to have the offer.

I spent a lot of time before I recovered trying to arrange things to my liking, with the idea that if everybody else would do what they were supposed to, I wouldn't need to drink. Sometimes I had a bit of success arranging things to suit me, but I still ended up drunk.
Eventually I learned that what other people do or don't do has absolutely no bearing on whether I get sober or not. Outside issues were not the reason I drank. My problem was internal.
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:49 PM
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It is your problem and he shouldn't be expected to not drink in front of you. However, if he was considerate he might make a better choice. Relationships can definitely be shaken up in early recovery. My suggestion is to keep the focus on you and your recovery and see how things go.
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Old 04-30-2013, 06:01 PM
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I'm in a relationship with someone who drinks. A lot has changed since I got sober. I am focusing on myself now rather then on the relationship; I too am in counseling and it helps a lot. He doesn't drink in front of me but the time we spend together becomes more and more limited as my tolerance for smelling or being around the behavior is lower. I assume that I will be strong enough some day to move on but I'm not ready yet.
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Old 04-30-2013, 06:11 PM
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Give yourself some more sober time and see how things are going then.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:17 PM
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I got sober in October and the first 3 months of my sobriety, my therapy sessions and my AA meetings reeked HAVOC on my relationship with my boyfriend. I didn't break up with him (we live together) and we've gotten through the rough part. But, I'll tell you, there were many of times where I wanted to throw him out a window!! they don't get it and they won't get it.

I do not appreciate him drinking around you though, and if you don't like it, say so. Your sobriety has to come first. Everything else WILL FALL INTO PLACE. I promise - this coming from someone who drank daily for 10 years...and has been sober 6 months!
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:29 PM
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sounds like the drinking isn't the real problem here... hang in there. give it time.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:46 PM
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When i started my recovery i ran into the same deal... My sponsor told me to stay on my side of the street and keep it clean...
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:19 PM
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I'm sorry Im in no position to give advise on relationships. Mine fell apart prior to me quitting drinking. But I have had to still deal with crappy comments about AA & how He is sure I wont make it or stay sober, etc. Crazy as it sounds, I SWEAR My sponsor told me the same exact thing that Dave's did! Kinda funny, I thought she was so original when she said it!
But in all seriousness, it is true. Stay Strong.
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:33 PM
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Originally Posted by pattyj View Post
My boyfriend thinks he can still drink in front of me because he shouldn't be punished for my problem. What are your thoughts on that? He is drinking beer, which was never my thing, but it's still alcohol.

I just had my first one on one therapy session yesterday and the therapist asked me about my relationship. I feel that after getting sober, all these feelings are coming out. I drank to not feel anything and now I feel everything. Do any relationships last after recovery/rehab? I'm starting outpatient and it's going to be intense. Drinking made me laid back and not really care about anything. Now I have an opinion, my opinion, and I don't like how a lot of things are going in my relationship. Any thoughts?
It's not uncommon for relationships to change once we sober up and start working on ourselves.

This is just my opinion and how I would feel if it was me. I agree that our drinking is our problem. However, I didn't get this way overnight and I am not going to be better overnight. If my partners drinking in front of me bothered me then I don't think it is too much to ask for him not to. People in relationships are suppose to support and help each other. If my partner couldn't help me in this I don't think I could stay with them.

One woman in one of my meetings when she hit rock bottom and ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt her husband didn't even hesitate to stop drinking to support her. It was a given.

One woman's husband deliberately drinks in front of her or comes home drunk KNOWING how much it bothers her. And he is the one giving her ultimatums to stop. Sorry, but that isn't being supportive.

I'm not in a relationship right now, but you can bet things will be different when I am. If I'm not getting what I need out of it, I won't stay in it. It doesn't mean I have to have everything my own way, but I expect to be treated with respect and to have support. Because that is what partners are suppose to do for each other.

At the end my sobriety is more important than anything or anyone else.
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Old 05-02-2013, 01:03 PM
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Wow, you guys give great advice. This is pretty much what my couselor said. Stick with it, say something if it really bothers you and things will fall into place whether it's staying in the relationship or not. I understand, as well as my boyfriend, that these first few months are going to be rough. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. Thanks again!!!
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