Time to get this monkey off my back

Old 04-30-2013, 02:46 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Sober starting May 19, 2013
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Time to get this monkey off my back

I've been drinking to a greater or lesser extent since my freshman year in college, which was several decades ago. Over the years, I've gone on several "sobriety binges", sometimes lasting six months or more. But then I'd start drinking again, usually "responsibly" (but not always).

A year ago, I got diagnosed as clinically depressed, and was put on Citalopram and Trazadone. These are SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). Apparently, my serotonin level was so low that I had an imbalance, leading to depression...Anyhoo, I was doing quite well on these up until a few months ago. Then my urge to drink came at me with a vengeance. For better or worse, my wife is now a teetotaler and doesn't drink (though she and I used cut loose every so often). Even so, I found myself drinking a crazy amount, more than I ever had. I was able to sneak it. I even started drinking during the day, which I hadn't done before, as well as sneaking down into the basement at night to find those bottles I'd stashed.

My wife didn't suspect a thing; I can play sober quite well.

Two weeks ago, I tossed the bottles and was able to last six days, before a hugely upsetting issue occurred at work and I succumbed to the urge. So I sneakily acquired some more bottles, and lost two days (Friday and Saturday). I felt disgusted so I dumped those two bottles on Sunday morning. Now I've been sober for three measly days.

Edited to add: I work in a fairly stressful environment where I supervise a crew of four very talented people. I feel intellectually inferior to them and I am constantly dealing with self-doubt. That sure doesn't help.

On top of that, the relationship between my wife and I has been on a downward spiral (gee, I wonder why?). We both have issues and it's been a rough road. So I've got stress at work and at home. That doesn't help either.

Well, that's enough of my whining.
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Old 04-30-2013, 02:50 PM
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Welcome, and I'm glad you found us. I did a lot of sneaking and hiding with my drinking too, so I wouldn't be found out. It was really tiring. It sounds like you are ready to stop drinking for good, and you will find lots of support here.
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Old 04-30-2013, 02:51 PM
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Thanks Anna. Nice cats you have there! We have two cats at our house as well.
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:48 PM
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Welcome to SR Busby You'll find lots of support here x
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Old 04-30-2013, 04:01 PM
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to the family! If you want to stop drinking then you came to the right place. Check out all the different forums for different problems and situations. We've got all the bases covered.
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