Bitter Sweet
 

This Sunday my wife and I had many events to attend - kids parties, adult parties; actually nothing atypical, just aggregated on Sunday. It turns out that my wife was also struggling with some non-consequential drama, but certainly something that caused her enough emotional harm that she wanted to drown out her sorrows. My wife however, is a normie. Can drink, not drink, have half a glass or two glasses - and never ever binges.

Well, this Sunday she decided she was going to get sloshed because she was having a bad day. Sloshed in her world (I think) means 4 -5 drinks over maybe 6 hours, but we all know that it's a personal definition. The following morning, for the first time in our 20 year history, I saw my wife hung-over. Not the pukey kind, but the kind where you are in a really foul mood, where your insecurities flare a mile high, and the kind where you can't rationalize through anything.

Being sober about 18 months now, my heart just went out to her. It was dejas vu. I could see her skin crawling, her lack of focus, her hiding from the world. I felt guilty for not stopping her and saying "this is the mistake i made - drinking to forget instead of to celebrate". I gave her vitamin c, vitamin b and took the day off to help her back on track. I think the big thing i learned though, was that she had to deal with the actual issues - right then and there. She was troubled about her standing on her tennis league, she was troubled by some drama at our kids school, she was troubled by what her role would be now that she settled us into our new town. While I won't say we solved everything, at least she saw line of sight and got some clarity about the glass actually being completely full and not even remotely close to half empty.

The bitter sweet part: There is no better gift of sobriety, then being reminded how bad it gets when alcoholism takes over your mental state. That said, if I could have cut off my arms so that my wife would never experience that abyss, I would. She is my rock - the last thing in the world I ever would want would be for her to know what that is like!

Throughout your recovery/sobriety has it bothered you that your wife drank?

Hi Tex.

I am really touched by your genuine compassion for your wife. Thank you for taking the time to share this. The kindness you have shown makes me smile. :) Best to you two.

MV

Excellent post! You are an inspiration to all of us!

You sound like a wonderful and supportive husband. I am glad you were able to be there for her. :)

Jewel - yes she drunk like any normal person does. Her life doesn't center around liquor, so honestly it is just not that big a deal.

All - thank you for the kind words, but I assure you it is she who is the foundation of our home. We are fortunate though to have matured together since college, so there is no separation between us. Hard to explain, but our union is a true one - made quitting a non event. That said - I was a flaming alcoholic, so believe me quitting was a necessity.

Thank you so much for your story. It is truly wonderful to read about such a positive recovery for a couple. I have received some rather negative responses to being in a relationship with an alcoholic. The typical response is to leave, get out why you can, or it will never work.

Yes, it is hard and trying but I truly do want my relationship to come to end. I know it is a long road and there may be many set backs (which I have shared and vented here).

Thank you again for such a wonderful and inspiring story!

Oops ***NOT come to an end****

Alcohol is a symptom. Address the cause and any couple can get through it. That I don't confuse with being able to drink once the cause is solved - I can't. But your partner is just that, your partner. I drank because I was stressed, anxious, insecure, self damaging, etc. when I put down the bottle and turned to my wife and god instead of Johnny Walker, my whole lens on life changed. But honestly, if not the person who understands your crazy better than anyone else, then who can deliver you to a peaceful place.

This one time in band camp (hehehe wasn't band camp, but we were camping back in '96), I tried pot for the first and pretty much last time. I got so paranoid I hid in the corner of our tent away from everybody else. The only person I felt sfe with was my wife. She just sat in the tent with me and hugged me for about three hours. Alcohol? Child's play compared to a solid partnership.