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opiate addiction.. trying to stop.

Old 04-30-2013, 10:43 AM
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opiate addiction.. trying to stop.

I'm new to the thread but I've read many posts.
I've been hooked on opiates for almost 6 months.
I want to get clean so bad.... But I always feel like ****.
Extremly depressed and have no one to talk to.
I have no friends anymore and my gf and my newborn are on the verge of leaving me
I just want a friend through this.. just someone who's done it and has sympathy for others doing it.
I can manage physical withdrawl.its emotional I cant take and not relapsing.
Even after I go a week clean its like well right back I am again. Buying more dope.

If anyone can just talk to me I'd appreciate it
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:49 AM
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Hey Chase, I'm glad that you decided to reach out to us. One thing we all have in common is the experience that you are talking about going through. It sounds to me like your own willpower is not quite sufficient to beat this demon back where he belongs. That's perfectly ok, even though it probably feels humiliating and depressing. I experienced those two myself, anyway. I don't know what it will take for you, but if you truly are willing to do anything to stop using it is possible, I can speak on that account from my own experience Have you considered looking for support in your local area?
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:51 AM
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I honestly just don't want to do na. Its embarassing to me. I just don't know what else to do
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:17 AM
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I'm with you Chase. I'm almost 3 days clean. I don't want to go to a group bc I live in a small town and own my own business. I did it before about 10 years ago and stayed clean for 8 years. It's the most satisfying thing you will ever do. But it's fragile. Very fragile. We can get through this. We don't need something that makes us sick if we have it and makes us sick if we do.

One is one too many and one more is NEVER enough.
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:20 AM
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That's completely understandable, I don't blame you in the slightest for wanting to go into a public environment and announce that you have a problem. I know, for myself, guilt and shame were my constant companions. I wanted people to think that, at the very least, I was ok. I didn't want to appear less then in any capacity. Then one day some oldtimer told me that everyone that goes to meetings, no matter what program or how much time they had, started with one day. They went to their first meeting once. They were the newcomer. Today I feel at home in my meetings. I have a service position in both of my homegroups. I walk in and people look me in the eyes and know my name. I have friends there that I never would have imagined, from a older man with 33 years sober to a 60+ old woman with 12, a 25 yr old woman with 5 months, the list goes on. Without that first step into a meeting and the choice to stay, followed by the choice to come back, I guarantee that I would have picked up again.
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Old 04-30-2013, 12:07 PM
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Well I did an opana last night but see 2 weeks ago I decided to get clean. But then like clockwork as soon as my wds were over I relapsed. It's a vicious cycle I can't get out of..
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Old 04-30-2013, 12:14 PM
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I can relate to that. I have made many resolutions, decisions, and plans to stop using myself. I am more of a marijuana guy, but alcohol and vicodin were my crutches as well. I've found for myself that I do not have the required power to stop using. The drugs and alcohol had me, and there was nothing that I could do to stay stopped once I quit. My defense had to come from something greater then myself. That's why I go to meetings and take the suggestions that people who came before me give me. It really works! I can't explain why it works, but I know that it does.

One thing above everything else I know is that I have to get into action. I have to do something, everyday, or I will end up drunk and loaded. I have seen postings on this site of people who have stayed stopped just by coming here on a daily basis, posting and reading. I don't know what it will take for you, but I will say that for me it took the 12 steps and the entire program that goes with them.
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Old 04-30-2013, 12:16 PM
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I found that keeping a journal of how I felt during withdrawls physically and mentally helped me when I wanted to use since I would read it and remind myself that it wasn't worth it. After we are done being sick we feel much better and think...withdrawing wasn't that bad, what will one do? and then we start the cycle over.

Also, being clean for two weeks while you detox isn't recovery, it is just being dry. If you want to stay clean you need to actively seek a recovery plan. AA isn't for everyone but there are other programs of recovery such as AVERT, LifeRing, and some others that I don't know the same of but you can just google non-12 step recovery programs. You need to find a program that fits into your life, go to counseling, and if you suffer from depression go see a physiatrist since after prolonged drug use many addicts need an antidepressant to help stabilize their mods.

Lastly, you need to change the people, places, and things that remind you of using. You can't hang out with the friends that you used with. Change your phone number or block your dealers, don't go to places where you used to use and basically just look at this as a new chapter in your life and move forward. Nothing changes if nothing changes, you can't get sober while hanging out with the same crowd and doing the same things.
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Old 04-30-2013, 12:26 PM
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I'm not even sure what I'm searching for here.
Yall are very nice. I just wish that something could just fall into my lap. I just want to be better..and I want everyone to understand what is going on and just have sympathy for me. I'm being very selfish about it honesty but I can't help it. Im not going to do any programs. I just need to do this myself for me and my family. I just never meant for it to get to this... Ya know?
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Old 04-30-2013, 12:29 PM
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Well, it sounds to me like your mind is made up. You want this, but on your terms. I really wish that I could be nice and warm, sympathetic and caring, but in all reality those things aren't going to help you they're going to enable you. The truth of the matter is that you need help. You came here, didn't you? You are looking for help, even if it's just a kind word. I wish you the best in going it alone, but if you're anything like the addict I am, that's impossible.

Edit: I'm headed off to my noon AA meeting now, but I'll be on afterwards, around 1:15 PST. I'll be glad to talk more if you want to.
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Old 04-30-2013, 12:38 PM
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This is just so mentally exhausting.. the cravings... The ultimate sadness..
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Old 04-30-2013, 02:35 PM
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I can relate to that, I really can. Trying to wrap my mind around something that has me by my.... well you get the point. Fighting my addiction is like trying to control the wind. I can change it's direction with some effort, I can hide from it for a short time, I can do a few things, but at the end of the day it's still there, and there's nothing that I can do to truly do anything to it. My addiction was my higher power for a long time. It was the motivation behind many of my actions, it controlled my beliefs. My perspective on life was defined by it. Today it doesn't have to be that way, and it doesn't have to for you either. You have surrendered to your addiction every time you picked up again. Every time you put a drug in your body or acted because of your craving for drugs, you surrendered yet again.

So what is stopping you from surrendering from something that can defeat your addiction one day at a time? Is it ego? The long held belief that you are strong enough? If you truly want to engage in single handed combat against your addiction once again, I won't do or say anything to try and stop you. You have that right. But consider, before you do, that there are many programs and different things out there that will be there to fight that craving for you, to be your defense against the next use.

I truly hope that the best happens for you, and that you don't have to be a slave to drugs as I was for many a year.
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Old 04-30-2013, 02:46 PM
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You want everyone to have sympathy for you? No one is going to have sympathy until you start actively working towards recovery and even then, no one owes you anything. You need to get out of that mindset before it cripples you. You can't sit around wallowing in pitty wondering why no one understands what you are going through, instead you need to get up and do something about it.

I hope you reconsider doing this on your own. Your family might be able to offer you love but they cannot support you in the way you need when you are just starting to be sober. This isn't something you can all hug and make it through.
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Old 04-30-2013, 02:51 PM
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StevenT, you are a better man than I am. Thank you.
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