playwright4

Hey folks, I'm new here... I've been going to AA for about a month and a half. I threw myself into it at first, met great people, been going to meetings every day. But I can't stay sober. And I'm blaming myself. I keep thinking that I must just not want it because I keep doing stupid **** like going and buying a bottle of bourbon because I can't handle that I don't have anything in my house. Or setting myself up to drink by putting myself in bad situations and then drinking. And now I feel like I'm just deceiving and disappointing the people I've met in the program who are trying to help me. I can't start my day count over one more time; it'll tear me apart.

I'm a high-bottom, no explosive events, my life hasn't fallen apart, just a slow decline into a life of being a zombie with occasional blackouts and way too much drunk driving (I've never been arrested or gotten a dui). I know I should be grateful for that. A day without a drink is excruciating. I lost my job, but even that wasn't so awful because my GM really likes me and was so supportive and nice about my getting help and taking care of myself and having a job in the future once I take care of myself. No one could imagine I need to go to rehab, but I'm starting to feel like that's the only way. Clearly I want help because I keep reaching out for it, but the disease part of my mind is telling me I won't be ready until I "really" hit bottom. I don't know what to do; if I do need rehab I definitely can't afford it, and my parents won't pay (I'm 25), and I don't have health insurance. The scary thing is I know I could keep being functional for an indefinite amount of time; it sounds nuts but I almost wish I could just fast-forward my decline to make me willing enough to really help myself. I don't know. I'm confused. I know this is long but if anyone has any suggestions I'd really appreciate it.

ScottFromWI

I'd consider rehab or counselling if you can't quit using AA and your own devices. You personally need to make the decision to quit though - even inpatient rehab will just be a waste of time and money as you'll most likely be back drinking as soon as you get out if you don't make the committment. There is no "magic" pill or treatment in rehab that removes your will to drink - it just safely gets the alcohol out of your system and prevents withdrawal side effects.

For some reaching bottom is the only way - but you have time now to make the choice before you hit it. You should be very thankful that you recognize the problem before that and try to take action on it. Remember - not everyone that hits bottom gets a second chance either - you could end up dead from a car crash or some other kind of crazy accident while you are blacked out. You could kill someone else driving drunk. Do you really want to roll the dice?

Hollyanne

You stop where you want.
The bottom is where you decide it is.
The ultimate bottom is death.
Stop digging.

Keep going to meetings.
You can do this.
I was drinking and going to meetings until I stopped drinking!
You have to go through the pain.
Rehab, no rehab, it sucks stopping.
But, you can do it.
Hungry,
Angry,
Lonely,
Tired.
HALT!
Try looking at that for help.
Keep it simple.
Go to bed, eat, go for walks, long walks, go to meetings, eat all the crap you want.
And go for coffee after the meetings with members. Go to a diner and spend the drink money on a big meal!

Grymt

Ok, I get what you mean, but you're not deceiving or disappointing, at least not people in sobriety.(Experts in BS and recognising and getting out of BS(you can't bs a bs-er.))
There's nothing wrong with hitting rock bottoms sober.
Stick to those who who genuinely help you and avoid enablers.
That's all I can think of for now.

least

You won't stop drinking until you're ready to stop. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Rehab won't help unless you truly want to quit. All rehab does is detox you safely and give you tools to use in staying sober.

I'm staying sober with daily visits to this site and counseling. It's been working for over three years now.

You can do this. How badly do you want to quit drinking?

Pamel

I have to say that rehab CAN help. Least says (they) "give you the tools to use in staying sober". That is HUGE! Yes, it is not a "cure" but it can open a door to real sobriety.

Re: financial. Many rehabs have scholarships (look at the best-more grant money available from grateful (rich) sober folks. Some will work out a financial plan. There are halfway houses. Do check out all your options...

StevenT

I've gotta say, I think you have hit a bottom of sorts, otherwise you wouldn't be looking to sobriety as a solution. I don't know how you drank and\or used, but for me, I had turned into a slave. I was constantly running to my master, spending money I didn't have on my next fix, running tabs with this last time, and all for what? A few hours of chemical serenity that was destroying me in the long run.

A bottom doesn't have to be the typical dumpster variety, full of physical signs. This is a mental, emotional, spiritual and physical disease. Any one of those components going neglected or being abused can constitute a bottom, in my opinion. It was definitely that way for me. I've heard many a time from oldtimers that our story must have depth and weight (doctors opinion, BB) and that it's what we know, not what we think, that helps us stay sober. I've also heard that the best way to find a solution to my issue is to find someone who was right where I was at and talk to them, openly and honestly.

Hope this helps, and just know that it IS possible to not drink or use, even when you want to! Also know that going back after a period usually ends up worse then before, I know from personal experience. My last sobriety date was 4\21\12. I lasted six months, the last bit being on personal willpower. I don't know about you, but I can't do this alone, by any means. Asking for help is the greatest gift I've ever been given.

Anna

I wouldn't worry about deceiving or disappointing other people. What other people think is not something you should concern yourself with. If you know you want to stop drinking, then do it for yourself. Make the choice and take care of yourself. Getting through the days without drinking will get easier.