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Old 04-29-2013, 09:08 PM
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family members

Hi all,

I went to another AA meeting. I thought it was useful. Things are going well, but it's frustrating that my wife doesn't agree that I need to be there. She grew up in a place where alcoholism is very common, and although she doesn't drink much, she thinks that I'm "being too hard on myself" and that I don't have a problem.

I disagree. And the more I talk to other people with drinking problems the more I'm sure that I shouldn't drink. My doctor told me to quit. My wife thinks that my doctor is too quick to diagnose alcoholism.

Just because I've never been arrested and have a job doesn't mean there's no problem...

She's not trying to get me to drink, but it really frustrates me that I have to have a minor argument with her about this. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm a little surprised and extremely frustrated.

Anyway, I'm on day 131 and I don't plan on breaking it.

Anyone else have this experience?
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Old 04-30-2013, 01:04 AM
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Congrats on 131 days.

I don't have the same problem with my spouse, but my friends encouraged me to drink when I first relapsed after many years sober- which surprised me. A few of my friends saw fairly quickly that I really should not be drinking.

I am glad you are finding support from others, but I hope your wife starts to see what you already see.
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:08 AM
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Hi Nimeton! 131 days is great, congrats! Sometime it is hard for normies to understand. And sometimes we don't want to think a family member really has a problem.

My family kind of knew I had a problem so I have had lots of support. Just give her some time.
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:32 AM
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Congrats on 131 days!

I too have never been arrested or lost a job but I am an alcoholic just the same.

Sometimes are loved ones are in denial as much as we were. It sounds like she has been and continues to be an enabler.

"The minute a person "helps" the alcoholic by shielding him or her from the full impact of the consequences of drinking behavior, that person has stepped onto the denial roller coaster with the alcoholic. An "enabler" assists in maintaining everyone's delusion that drinking isn't the problem."

Maybe she can look into Al-anon. Sounds like she may need some help to deal with what she is going through. Just because we have decided to change and are learning new skills are family members are still stuck were they were and are used to dealing with us on another level. They also need to heal.
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:47 AM
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Nimeton, Anyway, I'm on day 131 and I don't plan on breaking it? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations.
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:10 AM
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131 days. Amazing. I hope to get there eventually. My spouse still drinks but for whatever reason has the ability to have one, maybe two which in inconceivable to me. She doesn't think I have a problem. Granted I hid much of my drinking but I don't think I was all that crafty. It was pretty obvious that I was out of control. What I tried to hide well was all the drugs which I hid behind a smoke screen of "just been drinking" or "it's just the weed". I have no idea where I'm going with this. Oh yeah. Relationships can be difficult. Us humans are a complex sort. I too never got arrested. I must have a guardian angel.
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Old 04-30-2013, 07:12 AM
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Yes, most of my friends & family don't think I need to "go to those meetings". Some don't want to look at their own drinking problems, some simply didn't see me at my worst because I live far away & was able to hide it. I am not married but I can only imagine how difficult it must be to not be supported by your spouse. I think it's great you're staying sober anyway. Recovery is a very personal journey and many wont understand it but get the support where you can & everything will fall into place. IMHO anyway
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Old 04-30-2013, 07:25 AM
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My ex didn't like the idea that his wife had a substance abuse issue. Going to meetings "labeled" it, before that it was easier to deny.

So...if recovering alcoholic sounds too scary to her...how about non drinker? the world's full of them, and they are totally normal people, not scary or threatening.

your a non drinker who goes to a club where people are hanging out and talking about ways to improve their lives. It's all a matter of perspective I suppose.

If your drinking wasn't a big issue for her, why is not drinking a big issue?

It's sorta funny how people are all supportive if we say we want to lose weight, take a night course or start going to the gym, but say we don't care to drink anymore and they take it as some personal condemnation of their lifestyle!

just thinking out loud, not suggesting you pick a fight with her. When we pass on a piece of chocolate cake people say "I envy your self control" when we turn down a drink they ask what's the matter with us.
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Old 04-30-2013, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Threshold View Post
When we pass on a piece of chocolate cake people say "I envy your self control" when we turn down a drink they ask what's the matter with us.
good question. I don't have a good answer.

Just a clarification, she doesn't care if I drink or not, but seems to think the meetings are strange and unnecessary.

This is a bit or a surprise. I think she thinks getting drunk is some sort or masculine trait. I'm actually not sure what she really thinks about it.

Thanks for responding.
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Old 04-30-2013, 09:36 AM
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I hope she can come to support you in the future. Keep coming here and going to AA if it helps you, no matter what anyone else thinks.
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Old 04-30-2013, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by nimeton View Post
Just a clarification, she doesn't care if I drink or not, but seems to think the meetings are strange and unnecessary.
.
I'm assuming she's not an alcoholic? It's just as hard for a non-addict to understand what an addict is thinking as it is for an addict to admit that they are addicted and quit. And frankly, the meetings are strange and unnecessary for those who aren't addicts - she's just reacting so something she doesn't understand, and probably never will 100%. Our minds work differently, so different measures are needed. It will take time, just like anything. Rather than trying to explain all the gory details, just try and explain that sobriety is a high priority for you, and that the meetings help you attain that goal. It will make for a better life for everyone involved.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:08 AM
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day 121 ! that is awesome. Keep up the hard work. take this day by day. I am also in the same situation were many of my friends believe I am overreacting with my drinking problem. All that matters is what you think. Your wife will begin to see how dedicated you are to being sober and will support you!
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:08 AM
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day 131* sorry even better
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Threshold View Post
When we pass on a piece of chocolate cake people say "I envy your self control" when we turn down a drink they ask what's the matter with us.
How true!!! When you say "no thanks" to a drink they respond with some negative response and of course the more they drink the more they try to encourage you to drink.
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:11 AM
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Day 50 for me. Been sober for a couple years long before I was married. I'm 54 now. My wife is more of a binge alcoholic. I have quit for 6 months at different periods of our 15 year marriage. We have a 10 yo son. My wife cannot stand the fact that I am sober, she says I am boring and not paying attention to her. She expects me to go to bars we used to get drunk and fight at to hang with her and her single friends. I have never been arrested or lost my job, but I drank 20 beers a day. Wife says she will never quit alcohol. She has also been diagnosed manic depressive, OCD. Takes psych meds. Obviously this is not a good situation to stay sober in. I'm only staying in the marriage for my son's sake.
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Old 04-30-2013, 02:59 PM
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I'm experiencing the same thing. I wonder if it's because I don't fit in with the mold of what they think an alcoholic looks like. I'm not sitting in a gutter with a bottle in a brown bag. For the most part, I have my s* together.
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by nimeton View Post
Just a clarification, she doesn't care if I drink or not, but seems to think the meetings are strange and unnecessary.
Really in a way it is irrelevant what anyone else thinks you should be doing. Just concentrate on what is best for you.

I have experienced a similar response from my mother though. She doesn't question it too much now (I have my sis on my side) but she is very bemused by it all. I think though that she comes from a generation where people don't admit to needing help and that to do so is a weakness. Her mother suffered from mental health problems which seems to be a source of shame for her and she seems to think she made it all up. I can't understand this really. It is like denial of problems in people she cares about. She just wants us all to be okay with a minimum of fuss. It isn't very helpful but there are some understandable feelings behind it. Maybe your wife is the same. Hopefully she will come to accept it in time as she sees the positive influence the meetings have on you. Good luck x
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:42 PM
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Wow. I thought I was alone in this situation. I'm glad I posted this.

Thanks, everyone.
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