noticing my defects :/ How to deal?
 

I have noticed or more like acknowledged some serious personality defects that I have, in the last couple of days. It never feels good to realize the way you act must just look stupid to everyone else. Of course my anxiety is peaked. I am off booze and tapering off librium. I am trying to go to one librium every other day, but I think I will need one today no matter what.

I started to remember things I did or said a long time ago, that just give me shooting pains. Plus realizing that my thinking and reactions are just off in some respects.

I will forge ahead. What can happen? I have been a fool and a jerk and that is going to kill me? I am putting it to faith that I will get to a better life.

Sounds like you have a plan Johnny.
Best wishes and be strong.

I started to have the same kinds of memories and the same kinds of pains.its not that fun! But I keep see people saying 'you never have to feel like that again' and I love that ��

Well, don't look at them as defects. You're human, so you're not perfect. None of us are. However, if there are things about your personality and character that you would like to change, I suggest you view the process as growth, not as a correction of some fault. Seeing faults and defects in ourselves tends to make us anxious and uncomfortable. We also tend to see "defects" as something intransigent, something that can’t be changed—when that is simply not true.

Think back to when you were a kid. You did things at 5 years old that you would never do as a 10 year old. Did you have a defect at 5 years old? Of course not, you simply hadn't "grown" or "matured" enough. IMO, it's no different now, except you have more self-awareness.

Bottom line, you may sometimes do things that are “bad”, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. And if there are things you don't like about yourself, you can "change" and "grow".

all works out in time - if -