PinotNOmore

Morning all. Sitting down this morning to map out a plan. I need one. I can't go on pretending that I can just say I will not drink and that's that. It works for a while but eventually I give in and drink after convincing myself that I can in moderation. Some of you may have read my post from yesterday about my "good" night drinking on Friday. Sure it was good, fun actually, but it lead to me wanting to drink last night which I wouldn't have wanted to had I not drank Friday. I had one beer last night, then wanted another. My husband said ok to one but not to the second, so what do I do? I try and sneak it!! Like he's not going to notice that there is one beer less than there should be! He's on to my games and of course I get caught. I feel like crap today. Not because I'm hungover, but because I've been crying for hours. I can't even believe I did that. It is so embarrassing and so disrespectful. It's even embarrassing to admit it on here, to strangers! There are no excuses for my actions. There is no happy median with this problem. It's all or nothing and for the first time, I'm finally realizing that I cannot control my drinking. I cannot drink in moderation and I have to quit... completely.

ScottFromWI

No shame in realizing that Pinot. It's actually great that you've finally reach that conclusion, many of us wallow in the "I can moderate" stage for years, decades even. Glad to see you realize that you need to map out a plan as well. Any thoughts on what that might be? An AA meeting or something else local might help. Maybe one on one counseling? Anyway - worrying about what happened over the weekend isn't helping anyone - get to work on that plan and move forward.

SoberD

Hi Pinot, I have tried countless times to moderate (and usually it comes after periods of sobriety of several weeks or a month, etc.). It starts out fine - usually having fun more than bad times - but then devolves in exactly the same situation that made me want to quit in the first place. I have been around SR for a bit and have read the same story over and over again. I think we may just have to face that fact that we used up all of our drink tokens already and that it won't be the same as the "good ole' days"...

doggonecarl

I can't tell you how long I went thinking my drinking problem could be solved if I could "control" my drinking, which of course, I always failed at. Recognizing that you can never drink again, and will not never drink again, is great stance to start your recovery at. But you have to have something in place when the ole brain starts talking you out of your committment.

Coming here before you decide to drink is a great start. Have a set of distractions in place to help you when the urges strike is good. Urges pass....if you don't act on them.

Good luck.

Dave42001

Been there, done that and have a lot of tee shirts.. Personally I can't look too far out in the future.. The one day at a time method works for me.. I've tried managing booze many times and it never worked.. You don't need that crap!! Booze never did anything good in my life.. I'm a better person with out it!! You can win this battle.. It's all in your head!! Wishing you the best!!

Dave42001

PS.. My spouse drinks like a fish but I have to stay on my side of the street.. It makes it harder but it can be done...

Coldfusion

(Originally Posted by deeker)

We drank for happiness and became unhappy.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and made enemies.
We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.
We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
We drank for bravery and became afraid.
We drank for confidence and became doubtful.
We drank to make our conversation easier and we slurred our speech.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We drank to forget and were forever haunted.
We drank for freedom and became slaves.
We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
We drank to cope with life and invited death.

least

CarolD used to say "you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink" and she was right. Until I took the option of drinking off the table I kept going back to it. Now I want to be sober more than anything.

HibiscusMan

Thank you coldfusion for your post. I'm going to print it off and keep it in my wallet. Each line true

LaughAway

Love it! Booze never did anything good for anyone! One day at a time makes perfect since. If you start thinking to far in advance it becomes overwhelming and the element of failure seems likely.

PinotNOmore

Thanks for all of your responses. It means a lot to know there are others that understand what I am going through. I really want this to be the time I quit for good. I do not want to drink. I have dug out some self help books that I had hid away in the back of my closet during my pregnancy, when I thought for sure I had beat this. I almost threw them out, but something in me told me to keep them. Like I knew I'd be dealing with this again. I'm not even sad about saying I'm giving up alcohol this time. I usually am. Maybe that's a good sign.

Anna

Books played the biggest part in my recovery for the first few years, before I found SR. Books have always played a huge part in my life so turning to books to help with recovery was no different. And, as always, the right book came into my life at the right time.

I'm glad you know what you need to do.

quitforme79

Don't beat yourself up, you realize what doesn't work & that's a great start if I could have moderated I would have but it never worked for me.

GracieLou

I was just about to write that I never had to sneak as both of my ex-husbands and most of my BF were my drinking buddies (and I wonder why the relationships did not last...lol) but anyway I am wrong cause I did have one relationship that I felt I had to sneak and it used to pissed me off. Like who the hell was he to ask if I had been drinking or how many I had. It was not obvious to me then that he could tell. Now I see I was more pissed off that I was caught because I never had to hide it before.

I think other than that the only time I did not drink was when I was pregnant with my kids but I grabbed again not long after they were born. In fact I was so cocky that when my first was born I was not 21 yet and could not legally buy booze but carry a baby with you into the liquor store and the chances of getting carded go to zero. My son was born in September and my birthday is in November. I guess I could not wait to have that drink. Makes me kind of sick now but I never gave it a second thought back then.

When I first went to AA I bought many books. At one point my basement was flooded and they were all ruined except the AA big book because it had a cover on it. I threw the rest away and kept only that book. It has been sitting in my cedar chest for nine years. You have no idea how happy I was to still have that book.