SHG13

I've been thinking to myself that nothing "dramatic" happened during this relapse. No arrests or fights or big embarrassing episodes. But although that is technically true, there has been a dramatic difference in my life. The same dramatic difference we all feel when we go from a healthy, sober lifestyle to one filled with booze and shame and regret and blackouts and all the rest. Yes, I was not arrested. There were some good times and a few bad times. But regardless, it's still not how I want to live. I'm a happier, better person without alcohol in my life. I'm trying to reclaim that person here, today. I have a lot of hope and lot of doubt. But I suppose that's ok. I just keep telling myself to act my way to right thinking, as the saying goes. Fake it until I make it. 1 day at a time...

ScottFromWI

Supposing it's OK didn't cut it for me. I had to be absolutely certain that being sober was the ONLY choice, and that I wanted it more than I wanted to drink.

What is your plan to reclaim that person?

SHG13

Thanks for the reply. I think right now I'm trying fake it until I make it. I have fear/doubt/etc., but I figure if I can just not drink one day at a time ill build strength. To help, I'm posting and reading here on SR, and I just started a boxing bootcamp which requires me to wake up everyday at 5am. So that's even more reason not to drink. I went this morning and it felt great. But I trying to figure out how to do more to make me stronger. Any suggestions are welcome.

least

Glad you're back giving it another go.

sparky78

Glad your back!! Don't let your AV tell you its not that bad, nothing earth shattering happened, etc. Because it only takes 1 night back out for everything to change, and that time, you might not make it back. Drinkings just not worth the potential "yets", all of which become possibilities for me personally when I drink as I have no control over alcohol or what I do once I'm under its influence.

As for suggestions, your new healthy activity is great! But its good to get as much support as you can- have you tried AA? Outpatient rehab? Try a Relapse Prevention group (less intensive than rehab, usu. a meeting once a week).

SHG13

Thanks Sparky. That's a great point. And your suggestions are appreciated. I need to get to an AA meeting.

I feel a lot better today. More positive and hopeful. Remembering how great it feels to wake up without a hangover. Day 2.

Threshold

I relapsed a few times and that feeling that the "magic" was gone when I started drinking again was one of the things that made me say once and for all "why am I doing this to myself? It's not worth it."

I had some clean time to compare it to and for all the lousy that early recovery feels, it was still better, more hopeful and a more worthy endeavor than fighting F'd up every day and night.

being free of drugs and alcohol was just hands down better than being enslaved. When I got honest about that it was a huge "aha!" moment for me.