Losing my mind
 

Sober two weeks and a day. Cannot get out of bed for longer than an hour. I have to finish a paper by nine in the morning. I cannot think or calm my self down. All I want is someone to talk to but I have no friends and I don't know why. I hate school I don't know why I came back and why I feel so horrible. I didn't drink everyday I binged on Friday or Saturday. Never kept it in my place. It feels like I cannot wake up. I just don't give a da$&. Guess I will try to write but I freak out and think about horrible my life is. No one speaks to me or is nice to me. I don't want to be inside this brain anymore. Sigh. I don't think I am built to last. :gaah

You said you want someone to talk to - as you know this is an active discussion board and this community is a good place to start. What do you want to talk about? Someone here will answer you, or listen to you. Go ahead, what's up?

Ach, go into the Chatroom. 5 people in there now, I mean if you want to it is available.

We do understand how hard this is. We are here to listen and hopefully to help a bit, if we can.

Hello!

Lots of great people to talk to here Acheleus. We "get it" and don't judge. The chat room is another option if you're interested. :)

All the terrible things that have happened to me years ago, the reasons why I started drinking, have all come rushing back to me and I don't feel like I have ever really lived. Yet nothing is clear to me about how I ended up in hell. Why am I so tired and apathetic? I just want to go out and enjoy my self. Maybe stress about all this writing has sent me into shock or something. All my life I have done things to make others happy and I have no idea of who I am or what I want. Nothing is real anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me, but being sober doesn't make me feel better. But it's only two weeks. But I can moan and nothing will change. I have to finish this writing even if it doesn't make sense.

Hi Ach, I've followed a few of your posts but forgive me if I'm not super clear on everything....

The extreme fatigue you describe could be, to be sure, part of early sobriety - but it could also be compounded or caused by depression and / or even some underlying imbalance or illness such as chronic fatigue syndrome (notoriously difficult to diagnose).

If you're at all able to get to a doctor - and when you can barely stay out of bed for more than an hour, I know how hard the logistics of that can be, believe me....at least then you might get some help or answers about the fatigue.

Having no friends is also extraordinarily difficult, at any age....and it too can bring on or compound depression.

And with my ancient ex-academic hat on: if you can only do one thing today, even before working out how to see a doctor, at least call your tutor or student counselling people to obtain a deferral date on your paper (or what we call in Aus 'special consideration'. Hope that tiny practical thing helps a little to ease your suffering.

I will finish the paper tonight. I am about to eat something and start writing, then work on studying for an exam. Thanks for the support. I have to keep pushing through these rough parts. I have a fortune from a fortune cookie taped to my desk. It says: "Nothing can keep you from reaching your goals. Do it!" I need to grow up and be a man. Everything I don't have in my life is my fault. But I will see a doctor about my anxiety. No health insurance and poor, but I will figure out something. Nothing in my childhood or adolescence was normal. Both parents alcoholics, divorced, one went to jail, the other lost home, business, everything. I never felt like anything would go right. I always expect the absolute worst and alcohol was an escape valve I used once a week to calm my nerves. I put all the failures of my parents in my heart and I walk around feeling worthless, I don't assume anyone would want to be friends with me. But I can write papers so I am going to finish ten pages tonight. I hope all the good people on this site are doing well. SR has kept me sober for two weeks.

You can always try to call the AA intergroup in your area. If that one doesn't work, call the Washington Area Intergroup (WAIA) as there is someone available 24 hours a day. It's a voice you can talk to!

One and a half more pages to write in the next hour. I hope my paper is not horrible. Spit up some blood and I think my gums are bleeding. 16 days today though. Never gone more than 16 days. Look like a nightmare in the mirror. I am in absolute loco ville right now. Never ever going back to school. I can't wait to start working in a week. Finally losing the insomnia but now it's the opposite: I am always tired. I hope I am not dying. All I want to do is sleep but I am glad today is my last day of class.

Oh, friend. I know how hard it can be. I'm going through the first couple days now, so from here 16 days looks like quite the achievement. It feels like death, I know. There's a reason I'm still awake and perusing the message boards of SR at 4:05am obviously, ha... I know how awful it can feel, and with the added pressure of finishing a daunting task? That must be very stressful.

You're not alone. That's all I know to say. You're not alone.

And your paper isn't horrible. And you're not dying. One day at a time, right? I know I'm a total stranger (and very sleep deprived at this point) but I'm a sleep deprived stranger who is casting a vote of confidence for your paper and for the fact that you're not dying. So I guess I know how to say just a bit more than "you're not alone."

Please go to the doctor today if possible. You are doing great by not drinking, but you sound like you definitely need to talk with a professional about your anxiety and depression.

Dwelling on the past instead of making the best of the present impedes our road to recovery. Not one person I know has had a perfect life - some worse than others. It is up to you on how to live a life you want and not repeat or do things that was negative in your earlier years. Look to your local County Mental Health resources. They are free.

In the meantime, be proud of your school accomplishments and know you always have your friends from SR here to support you!

Just got a few more paragraphs and the works cited. Then to class then I can sleep before writing the next two papers and studying for an exam on Friday. I have never been this stressed before and I have to force my self not to drink this afternoon. I'm a dang fool is all I can say. Y'all keep em straight out there.

By the time you wrote all that you could of done something else

Paper done and submitted. Not very happy with it. Off to class, then I can finally sleep. Hope everyone is well.