Hello... I am addict. Cannot get sober.
 

I cannot get sober.
I want to, kinda. Mostly. Sometimes. Usually.

There is no doubt I have the disease. Addiction has been present in my life since age 13. I do not want this disease. It almost killed me twice. Some cycles have been truly terrible. Traumatic. I have blocked them out.

Right now, I am a relatively successful addict. Drinking beer or wine along with a mild herbal opiate kratom for a good buzz two or three times a week. Up to 5 drinks and a few spoons of kratom. That is great progress from far worse drugs and cycles. Thats the routine for several years now. Its been functional and manageable for the most part.

But I know it would be so great and freeing to be able to give up all and live happily sober. Just does not seem possible for me. I KNOW I am an addict. I KNOW its a disease. I KNOW I would be better off, helathier, and happier of a person to have it under control and fully in check. But I cannot get sober for the life of me.

The sex drugs and rock and roll seduce me every time. Every time I try, I go a few days or maybe weeks and give in. Its the longing for the chemical/musical/existential space that the substances help get me into that pulls me in every time. I just do not get there without them. So as spiritual as I am, the moderate using I have managed seems so much more appealing in the end despite some quite unpleasant and annoying consequences.

I am always on the up and striving to be a better person. It would be nice to be more free clear and sober in lifestyle.

Maybe talking with others more will afford some emotional clarity strength and insight. So here I am, introducing myself.

Welcome Endra! You are very self-aware, and I'm glad you're taking a realistic look at what alcohol is doing to you. I hope being here will help you make a decision on what's best for you. I tried to enjoy it in moderation, but it took me to my knees in the end.

Glad to have you here with us - you found a great place. :)

It's hard enough to get sober with 100% committment to recovery. Your ambivalence is making something hard even harder.

I hope you read the posts here on SR. You might see yourself in someone else's story. You might see what happens if you don't quit...it usually progresses; and you will see the happiness many have found when they do quit.

I know how difficult it is to leave the things you are comfortable with, even when it's bad for you. But you can get sober if you work at it.

Welcome Endra!

Frankly, I really admire your honesty and yes, self-awareness too. I relate very much to that push-pull between complete abstinence (which I don't seem able to sustain) and / or what's called 'harm reduction'. That approach is used a lot here in Aus, the UK too I think...and in the States there's a website called the HAMS Network. HAMS stands for Harm (reduction), Abstinence and Moderation Support.

SR is of course focused on Abstinence, fair and square. Although many posters and readers try and try for that goal, sometimes for years. SR is great for not shunning those of us who are ambivalent, who relapse, or who are simply trying to work out what we are!

Just out of interest: you say you began using at age 13...what's your age now? (roughly if you don't care to divulge :-). You also note that you've got this sort of harm reduction thing working now for about 5 years (was it?). As you observe with such clarity - and this part reminds me completely of a friend of mine - the pull towards keeping that going is as a means to get into a certain kind of 'chemical / musical / existential space'. Nicely put. My friend is clear about that too, although she also totally supports my erratic efforts to stop and stay sober for good.

We're all so different, aren't we? Still, I imagine the very fact you've joined SR and posted says something about perhaps that niggle at the back of our minds - even those who haven't gone entirely to rock bottom!

I doubt I've given you any clarity at all, but more of a 'welcome, and I understand'.
Oh, and PS: what on earth is 'kratom'? Never heard of it!

Welcome Endra - you'll find a lot of support and ideas here.

Kratom is a scheduled substance in Australia and many other places.
It's not something we recommend here, and you'll see why if you Google it, BP.

D

Thanks for your honesty endra. Many of us are struggling with the same issue; we know we need to quit, but we have trouble seeing a happy and fulfilling life without alcohol or other substances.

Made it through the weekend
 

Hey, I made it through the weekend. Couldn't believe it with all the parties going on. Instead of holing up in the house, I got out and enjoyed the sunshine. Anytime I had the urge to drink, I just withheld the urge and went to AA in the evening. Trust me, this ain't easy for me.(probally anyone else either) but I made it through the weekend.

Thanks for the welcome. I am 27. I would like to be happily abstinent. I was for about four years at one point but now it seems ever more difficult because I am managing so much better and wiser than I was. Though I exercise, take vitamins, pray, meditate, reduce, monitor, etc., but there is no way around the fact that I have that neurochemistry and personality of an addict. Life would just be simpler, healthier, and more serene without.

When the brain and body clears up the chemical fog after several sober days or weeks, I do enjoy that more clean and clear feeling. There is a certain serenity in knowing what I am feeling going through or looking like is not because i'm high. When using, there's always doubt - "Well, maybe its the drugs". At minimum, problems are muddled. I begin to feel towards the weekends - Oh, what a perfect empty clean cup to fill with intoxicants! Anticipation grows, the switch is flipped. Once the internal change has occurred in the mind there's almost no turning back.

I do have significant work stress, relationship stress, and yucky things in my life that intoxication provides relief from, but the situational things are not really why I keep getting high on the weekends. I continue to do it primarily for hedonistic reasons - it feels really good, really fun, and I want to.

Abstinence is nearly impossible for me without a total commitment and choice. And that willingness often does not come until things have gotten really awful. I do love and like myself, care about my life and others, so want to avoid another contact with the bottom if possible. That is why am here.

Endra, this is the exact message I was trying to get across yesterday in my first post on SR. Exactly why I cant quit. I know I have to because this DISEASE is progressing everytime I put it in my body. I am finding that I love that it feels really good. To be away for a couple days and just be fun. Ughh, I hear ya girl. Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll is all Ive known my whole life. It is the example in which my life was built. HOWEVER, I must find a way to ACCEPT that I am an alcoholic. I have to find a way to make that change and finding myself in the process. We can do it. I am to the point where I think Im ready to give it my all. Join me?

LeLe, I would be glad to join you. I am so close and on the verge. The first step is admitting the our lives have become unmanageable. The problem is that my life with the moderate using is manageable. Its sometimes very close to unmanageable because of getting high or ialcohol intoxicated, but all in all I am managing it.

SO how does an addict stop and get sober before things become terrible?

Things are already terrible! "Normys" don't seek help! Lol unmananageable can mean many things. Not just if ur bills are paid. Are you in control of emotions, are u reaching goals, do u have resentments, do u hurt others with ur use, have u ever chosen to use over something u need? All I those things are unmanaged! For me, I wasn't ready to submit. Now I am. Also, check ur motives. Are u sure ur life is where u want it and ur not just in denial? Using is not living! Yea it feels good but it isn't life.

it's a delusion that you are functional and manageable

you aren't fully present and you keep needing/wanting to drink/drug

alcoholism is the inability to live without drinking/drugging/getting out of your head

If you want, can you stop for 30-180 days? See how you feel at that point?

I took a "life unmanageability questionnaire" found in some old NA materials. Of 40 questions I had 9 negative (unmanageable) answers and 31 positive (manageable) answers. When I took this same quiz 7 years ago, I answered over half of 40 as unmanageable. At least I am clearly in the right direction. Most of the negative answers were a direct result and only applicable to my relationship. Being with the wrong person is certainly unmanageable. So I am still not sure my occasional using meets the first step criteria as unmanageable, but I certainly could potentially healthier and happier without it.