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Mind full of gravel - First post here.

Old 04-24-2013, 11:25 PM
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Mind full of gravel - First post here.

so this is my first post here. This is my story, sorry it's kind of long and incoherent; I just need to get some of this off of my chest right away and it's pretty painful to write down.

I'm 22, I've been drinking for about 2 years... like a "normal" drinker at first, but it escalated quickly to a full 750 ml every day. Drinking in the morning, during the day, while driving down the highway to get to school… I was on track for a near perfect GPA, nearly lost my honor's and PTK status my final semester because I was regularly too drunk to do my homework. I had a wonderful internship which turned into a great paying job with plenty of benefits. Always waiting for the day to end so I could get my drink on, show up the next morning hung over. wasted too much time and couldn't always think straight, made too many mistakes and lost the job. Still live with my mother and my girlfriend of 7 years because I can't support myself in this state of being.

I always drink alone; I'm far too sneaky for my own good, and I hide my drunkeness too well. Just yesterday when spending the day on the town with my GF I managed to buy a flask of vodka and drink it without her knowing. It feels terrible to sneak around like that. The only reason she or my mother know is because I manned up and said it. that was more than 2 months ago, I went to the doctor and got a physical and perscription to bupropion. Made it nearly 2 weeks sober and thought I could handle a drink and maybe control it. I slipped right back in to a heavy binge, 750 ml a day. One night after heavy drinking I took a car ride with my GF and had a series of panic attacks. Had to get out of the car and stand there shaking 6 times before I got home. Turns out bupropion and booze can give you panic attacks as well as seizures. Tried going sober for another week or so but by then the bupropion was starting to mess with my head and aggravate some anxiety problem i have so i went off the pill, and soon back in to another binge.

I hate it. the worst feeling in my life is detoxing the next day after an all-day drink. My whole body feels week. so thirsty, can't get enough water. feels like my mind is full of gravel and my conscious mind is dragging along kicking and screaming. Can't stay awake but can't fall asleep. worst feeling in the world.

I hate doing this to my family, after my mom watched the same thing happen to my dad. After my girlfriend has been by my side for so long and supported me emotionally. I hate myself when she realizes I've been drinking and starts crying. I have to be done with this now.
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Old 04-24-2013, 11:46 PM
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Hi and welcome Firepool

You'll find a lot of support here - do you have any ideas on how you'll stop and stay stopped?

D
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Old 04-24-2013, 11:48 PM
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I think that the hardest part for me right now is that it feels like I'm 2 different people... There's the one that truly wants to quit, but after a few comfortable days of sobriety there's that other guy that kicks in and craves it, and rationalizes it. I've quit smoking before with little problem once my mind was made up, but this is different. the craving has a deeper psychological root, and I've been using it to feel comfortable, happy, and safe. It's far too easy to convince myself to drink, and what I need is people to talk to about it with who understand. I've steered away from AA because of the whole "higher power" thing... I respect other's religions, but I don't think their methods can help me when I simply don't believe the source of strength/courage/whatever they emphasize doesn't exist... no offense or anything to believers, it works for you so stay with it.
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Old 04-24-2013, 11:52 PM
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and there's a bit of an overwhelming catch-22 where I don't have faith in myself seeking/keeping a stable independent life in this condition, yet the lack of purpose and boredom are obvious factors in relapse. During my sober periods I keep my body and mind busy with beneficial hobbies such as tech research and programming.
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Old 04-24-2013, 11:58 PM
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I think most people can identify with the ideas of the Jekyll and Hyde thing.
In the end I think it boils down to deciding which one you want to be.

That may sound impossible to you now, but it's really not...support can really help keep you on your chosen path.

There's a lot of alternatives besides AA too...

Check out the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach
D
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Old 04-24-2013, 11:59 PM
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Welcome to sr :-)

Understand what you say about feeling like two different people - I feel the same but man I really don't like the other one of me , he's a drunk lying,deceitful,cheat who keeps trying to bring down the better me

He ain't going to do it as I'm stronger than him now

Keep going - get your life back, you sound like you have amazing support from your girlfriend and with what is offered here you can crack this!

Good luck!
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Old 04-25-2013, 01:35 AM
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I'm glad you found us and joined the family.
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Old 04-25-2013, 02:08 AM
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Welcome to SR! I can relate to what you wrote about feeling like two different people and being unsure if you'll stay sober. I do think sobriety gets easier with more sober time.
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