nmp0425

I am so tired of who I have become. I am 27 married with 3 kids. I have been drinking almost everyday for about 3 years. My husband is the only one who has a real idea of how bad it is. I feel like I can't function without alcohol. I drink at night, I drink in the mornings, I drink on my days off, I drink at work. It is out of control. I just want to be the "boring" person that I used to be. I didn't even drink at all until I was 21. I was scared to. I have seen the harm that alcohol causes. My husband drinks socially, so I just decided I would have a couple of drinks with him occasionally. I just spiraled out of control. My husband is upset and gets mad at me. I tell him I want to quit and I can't have any alcohol in the house and he agrees to help me, but he is a big pushover for me and I always convince him to let me drink and tell him I will be good. We will buy a bottle of rum and drink at night. I will drink the rest of it the next day and have to buy a new bottle to make it look like I didn't drink. I hide cups and bottles and don't even remember where I put them. My oldest is 6. He is in kindergarten. I am tired of my life being so disorganized because of my drinking. I don't even know what is going on at my son's school half of the time. I don't want my children to remember mommy like this. I have quit for about 5 days maximum. I eat healthy and workout and feel great then I just start right back up and get into a slump. I am obsessed with being in shape and I am addicted to alcohol. These things don't mix together! I just want to get back to being the healthy person that I was. I am a depressed, anxiety filled, drunk right now and I am tired! I sit here and think of all people how and why did this happen to me? I didn't drink at all and now this. I have tried AA meetings and I just want to leave there and go have a drink. What is wrong with me?! I like the idea of this site because I can say exactly how I feel and hide behind my computer screen =)

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR NMP. You will find a lot of support here, and information on lots of different recovery methods. The key is that you need to want to quit more than you want to drink - and that's a decision you, and only you can make for yourself.

Regarding your last sentence, you certainly can hide behind your computer and you are more than welcome to share your thoughts. Having said that, you can't hide from the alcohol...unless you make a conscious decision to get it out of your life. It sounds like you have many reasons to do so, and I hope you can.

Michael66

Hi nmp

Do you feel able to accept that the hold alcohol has over you is so strong that you will never be able to drink normally, and so accept complete abstinence as the only solution?

nmp0425

Yes, I do realize that I need to totally quit. When I quit, I want to quit and not even give myself the chance to get out of control again.

Recovery1983

Hey nmp0425, I heard a little of myself when I read your post. I'm 30 years old, and I'm a bit obsessed with staying in shape myself. Although I try to eat healthy on a daily basis, I'm more on point with my workouts. I understand the insane thought process behind all this. How can someone, who is obsessed with working out, be the same person who destroys their body with alcohol? One of the reason why I train so hard is because I enjoy doing triathlons. Not only is alcohol the antithesis of healthy when it comes to being healthy, but it is extremely counterproductive when I train for triathlons.

Every time I relapse, I end up destroying my body for several days. I consume so much alcohol, but I will also eat like a total slob. During this time I also stop training or doing any activity whatsoever.

What ends up happening is that I get a couple of weeks of where I am stringent with my routine and life and I start to feel really good about things. This is where I become complacent, and this is where I fall right back into old habits. Any non-addict/alcoholic can see that this is a no brainer. Stay away from alcohol or drugs, yet my addict/alcoholic brain this think that way. I start to justify and convince myself that things will be different or I deserve to have a little break because I have been doing so well with (insert any reason).

I dont know how many times I have relapsed, but I have been battling this for a good 1/3 of my life. Let me say that this is a progressive disease/issue. All the consequences do get worse, and it really is true when they say jails, institutions, or death. I won't list my consequences, but I will say that I have experienced 2/3 and almost the 3rd.

If you are on here, I assume that you do want help. Don't put this on the back burner. Take a course of action, and be proactive in your recovery. For me, I do NA/AA and at the moment, it works for me. Through my experiences, I would say that the biggest part is yourself. You can have all the resources in the world, but if you don't proactively use it, it won't work.

Anna

Welcome,

If you want to stop drinking, you've come to a good place for support.

least

Giving up alcohol was the best thing I ever did for myself. I'm glad you joined us and want to quit drinking. We're here to listen and support you.

nmp0425

Thank you, everyone, for the support. I do want to quit drinking and am glad to have a place where I can talk to people that are in the same boat or have been there.