Mountainmanbob

After a lifetime of heavy drinking without blackouts, I started having blackouts. Your episode above reminds me of me. Blackouts such as these are dangerous, we might do anything while in a blackout ??

Glad that you have taken notice -- drinking is not working.

MM

ElleDee

So it's her fault for dragging your sorry a$$ to a bar? You better get help. I'll stop now before I say something that gets me kicked off these boards.

sva777

Bunny: honestly it doesn't seem as though your ready to quit yet. You see the problems and are aware you shouldn't be drinking but don't seem ready yet to throw in the towel.

What will it take for you to come to the serious conclusion it is time to stop forever?

In the meantime we are all here.

Bunnyrabbit

Ok guys thank you all for your input, support and understanding but most of all thank you for pointing me out the gravity of the situation. I guess over the years of living with dysfunction my sense of normalcy got more and more distorted. I knew things weren't right but I'm starting to realize that a lot of it couldn't be farther away from what's normal or acceptable. I'm going to take my time to read and reread all of it to let it really sink in. I didn't really expect it but the last couple of hours reading and writing on here have been very emotional, I've been in tears almost throughout. Which, I suppose is just what I needed to feel it all and talk about it, especially with such a kind and understanding bunch as yourself. Yes, I think I might have found a good place here.
Most of you seem under the impression that I don't want to quit drinking yet, this is not true. I just want to try it differently than what I used to. So what I like to try is to just take it easy and not make a big deal out of it instead of putting a mental mount Kilimanjaro in front of me, if that makes any sense...
What I do promise is that I will stick around here for the time being instead of leaving after one post like I did before. And also I will ASK FOR HELP when I need it , which would also be I think an important change I need to make.

Anna

What makes sense is that you do whatever it takes to stop drinking. It doesn't matter how you manage to accomplish that, as long as you focus on staying sober. You can do this!

sva777

Okay bunny, so what kind of plan do you have to quit. Obviously not everyone goes by the same structure. Some things work for some people and don't work for others. Remember we all have been in your situation more or less. The best solution is the one which works for you and keeps you sober.

Bunnyrabbit

Well I guess the main thing I'm going to change is that I'm going to be more conscious about what triggers me into drinking. If I feel the urge to drink I'm going to try to figure out what exactly is going on instead of giving into it and probably make a post about here for advice. At the top of my head I think my biggest triggers are boredom and loneliness. Then I'll have to find a way to deal with these triggers in another, more healthy way. I'm sure there's tons of things I'll enjoy doing besides drinking, so I'm actually looking forward to that.
Also if I know I'm going to have to be in a situation where I'll be tempted to drink I'll be more conscious about that and ask for advice about how to go about it.
Other than that I think most important is to take good care of myself, eating well, getting therapy and AA, focus on my professional goals, gaining some financial stability etc... Just generally allowing some comfort and happiness in my life. I was already working on these things after my breakup 8 months ago but the drinking started to creep back in. I've done quite a few sober stretches in my life so I'm not completely new to it but I'll have to be more conscious about the pitfalls.

sva777

My main triggers were boredom and being by myself as well. I am married but I remember how I used to rush home from work to drink for a few hours before my wife got home. This of course wasn't how I started my drinking career, I would say I firmly established it before I was married and lived alone. I would spend weekends just boozing alone. It was so hard to finally quit myself, I would do small stretches and then slide right back to the bottle. For me the catalyst was when my health took a downturn. I hope you can figure it out before you get to where I was.

1983ritag

Good luck on your journey, it's good that you have a plan. I relate to the blackout drinking, it's absolutely terrifying. I hope you can find balance in your life and get comfortable on the sober path.

mary2788

That is some scary stuff, your life is extremely unmanageable..

it never gets better when you keep drinking! SOcial drinkers don't usually black out and get into situations like that

I hope you get the help you need and live a life you deserve.. before it's too late

lifenlove

It's just that when I start to drink there's no more stopping....[/QUOTE]

Perhaps you have got the answer right here for yourself.

GS123

One thing that stands out for me in your posts is how you have blacked out and found out the next day what you did, or didn't do, but you may also want to consider that you have probably done many many more things that were potentially as bad or worse as what you actually found out about, if you can receive oral sex and not remember, you probably did many other things that may be much worse/disappointing to yourself if you knew about them, I know I did. Absolutely no judgement when I say that, I have made many bad decisions I promise you that, just something else to consider. That's one of the reasons why I am here trying to make a better version of myself and I wish you all the best in your recovery.

MelindaFlowers

Hey,

This has to be a huge, huge wake-up call to stop drinking alcohol. You've had so many great responses here that I can't add much but all I want to say is this:

I have done things in blackouts that scared the living hell out of me. I would tremble with fear and shame and not even speak the next day. Things that could have ended relationships, ended up in an arrest, and injured others.

You have to stop drinking now because your worst blackout episodes will happen again if you keep drinking.

I had my worst blackouts X, Y, and Z and I thought I would sooner cut off my hand than repeat them. I repeated them. I kept drinking.

Stop now.

MelindaFlowers

I think the therapist is a good starting point.

One of the most powerful posts I've ever read on here was from a guy who's life was in chaos but he had the forethought to write a list of the 15 things going wrong that he wanted to change and he took this list with him to his first therapist appointment. I think his primary reason for the appointment was to save his marriage, but he wanted the therapist to help him get his life together in general. He had some serious stuff going on. I remember some of the things on the list were foreclosure on his house, possibly losing his job, depression, treating his wife better to save the marriage, fixing relationships with his kids, and drinking too much. He was still drinking daily when he went to his first appointment and I don't think he had planned on stopping. What he really wanted for her to help him save his marriage.

This is the part that stuck with me:

She looked over his list carefully, circled one of the items, and handed it back to him and said "We need to fix THIS first."

She had circled number 11: alcohol

She wouldn't even talk to him about the other issues until they tackled that one. You can start working on all your other issues when alcohol is out of the picture. I know you probably know this already but it always helps to hear it from others I think.

Mountainmanbob

I'm impressed
the above is a great starting list for a new sober life
you might also wish to add coming to this site often (sure helps most)
now if we just don't deceive ourselves yet again
and stay focused on the goal
MM

sva777

I gotta say, that is a great story Melinda. This hits home big time.