Day 10 & struggling
 

Hello

I'm on day 10 of no alcohol - went clean after regularly drinking 3-5 bottles + per week for last 10 years. Would like to say I feel great but I feel sh*te. Had first few days feeling hungover, then a few days better: 'new healthy me & all that talk the talk stuff' but then day 7 on wards have had nausea, headaches, disrupted sleep etc etc. Plus, not drinking brings up all the reasons I did drink: to numb the pain, relieve stress, put up with the 'is this it' realisation of my life etc etc.... Sobriety is just so painful and dull and realistic and I'm losing the will to keep mentally 'high-filing' myself for not being a p*ss-pot while actually feeling quite jealous of those people,settling down with a nice long glass of wine after a hard days work.

Please don't tell me to stick with it as I will I'm just disillusioned. Sorry for sounding so grumpy - just it all feels a bit cr*p and pointless to do at the moment.

Am off to have 'another' early night... Will try not to get too excited....

I really understand where you're coming from. When we put down the alcohol the internal ism rears its ugly head and announced 'Here I Am', in a very loud voice. The wonderful thing is that despite the pain, we are given a priceless opportunity to see the face behind the mask in super sharp Hi-Def clarity. It's not a pretty sight, but its been keeping us ill for so long. It's where the work begins. Sometimes, the overwhelming emotions...um... overwhelm us! All we can do is sit with them, and get to know them. Today, when I was walking home from work, I literally had a conversation in my head with my anger!

It went a bit like this!

Tommy Saxondale - Anger Management Clip - YouTube

Sounds like you're still romantisising alcohol. I often thought that if I drank enough to quiet the bad noise in my head, I'd write the next great opera, insight a revolution with my political views, write a masterpiece, create a perpetual motion device that would solve the energy crisis and balance my checkbook. All with the swagger of Frank Sinatra, the mystery of edgar allan poe and the angst of Trent Reznor.
Mostly I'd just drink and listen to really bad songs from the 80s and early 90s and try to figure out how bands like the psychedelic furs and the pixies understood me so well. I'd also be too uninterested or too drunk to do any of the things that I actually thought I'd accomplish.

I am terrified of being bored, drinking does keep me from being bored, but unfortunately, it also keeps me from being productive... and being productive also keeps me from being bored . . . without all those health risks and blackouts.

Sometimes I'd drink to feel something, sometimes I'd drink so I wouldn't have to feel anything . . . I was hella deep like that (<---- mocking my self, but in an honest way)

As far as envying those people who curl up with a glass of wine at the end of the evening... I have no desire to be one of those people, In my opinion those people have no idea how to drink. A glass of wine??? A GLASS OF WINE??? that is sooooooooooooooooooo boring. I need at least 3 glasses of wine to have fun and relax, and that's just to get me started, I really need the majority of a 1.5l bottle and some whiskey. Maybe a smaller bottle of wine if the bottle of whiskey is bigger. Unfortunately about the time I'm having fun, I'm also starting to do stupid stuff, make an ass of myself, and damage my body... and I won't stop until its all gone, or until I pass out.

Have one drink? Why bother . . . If I can't have it all, then I don't want any of it.

Thanks for that - I needed a laugh but now have visions of myself walking around arguing with myself in public :-). So understand though why I don't go to group therapy sessions would end up arguing and getting annoyed by the soft voices, understanding nods and 'let's all hug' mentality. Have never been aggressive but feel like I should be in a boxing ring at the moment... Maybe I should do a spoof on giving up alcohol & everyone could laugh or be appalled at my behaviour :-) ... Anyway thanks for lightening the mood - laughter helps when all else is too fr*cking confusing /frustrating.

Actually, have you tried boxing? I did some boxing during one of my soberish periods years ago, and it helped quite a bit. Getting puched and punching someone (we had head gear BTW) is quite healing.

And its definately not boring or dull . . .

Dib42 - thanks for sharing your perceptions and opinions.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

Hi emilyalice

I think it's really important to remember this is not sobriety - this is early recovery.

If you're like me, you drank for years - it's going to take a while for mind and body to recover and to get used to the new way of things.

Things can and do get better tho - noone would stay in recovery if they didn't...try and stay patient :)

Glad you've joined us :)

D