Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 15
Hello
Hi all,
First off, I would like to thank everyone who has posted in the past. In my darkest time on Saturday it truly helped me to look over everyone's post and realize I was not alone. It scared me how much I related to everyone's past experiences, from regret and shame, fear, feelings of worthlessness and being alone, devastation at losses - both personal and of pride, feeling downtrodden and fed up.
I would particularly like to thank everyone who posted in the "What you don't miss" thread, reading through that made me realize all that alcohol is taking from me... and yet I continue to drink.
I want to thank everyone who posted in the detox/withdrawal thread because you helped me know when I needed to go to the ER when I was detoxing on Sunday. I felt a pressure in my head that spread to my eye, causing blurred vision on one side. From your posts I realized this was high blood pressure. When I got to the ER (stupidly I drove myself), they told me my BP was so high my head was about to explode. I got hooked up to an IV and heart rate monitor and was given Ativan. As I lie there watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers on the ER television, they waited for my BP to go down, knowing if it didn't then I would have to be admitted to the hospital. That's what ended up happening.
I still have the glue from the heart rate monitors adhered to my skin as I sit here and type this. I still had it on my skin when I drank last night and this morning to deal with the consequences of this weekend.
You see, I was laid off from work after a grueling four months of being told it was going to happen. Everyone at work had sour attitudes and our morale declined the closer and closer our 'laid off' date came. I absorbed all that negativity and increased my alcohol consumption. When I was finally laid off, I went on a 7-day binge. In that time, I blacked out several times -- but one of those times, I woke up to being sexually assaulted by my roommate, someone whom my boyfriend and I trusted dearly and whom we have done a lot for, including providing housing for him despite his inability to pay rent.
This was extremely traumatic to me. When I realized what had happened, I drank more to drown it out. I exploded at my boyfriend in a verbally violent rage and sent him away for almost three days. In those three days is when I ended up in the hospital -- but before then, I experienced the worst withdrawal/detox I could have imagined.
On Day 7 of my binge, I was throwing up every 5 minutes. I couldn't keep water, let alone a saltine, down. I stumbled, barely able to walk, to our bedroom and lie there in bed, shaking horribly. I knew I almost had a convulsion with the severity of my shakes. I tried everything to hold on to my consciousness and rolled over, trying to close my eyes and rest - but with my BF chased away because of a drunken outrage, all I could do was listen to the sound of passing cars or my dogs barking and hope he would come home. At the same time, I didn't want him to see me that way. As I tried to sleep, I started having the worst hallucinations, all the time shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. The more I tried to relax, the worse I felt and the more vivid the dreams/hallucinations. Every thought was jumbled. I could hear and see people talking to me, but then everything would dissolve into something wicked and horrible.
It was literally the worst day of my life.
I had chased away my best friend and my lover, I had been - it's hard to say - raped... by my roommate, and I was going through the withdrawals from hell. I felt so terribly alone, scared to death I was going to die but wishing it would happen.
After the longest day of my life, morning came and I felt better. I started to get up and forced myself to clean the house, hoping the BF would come home. I intended that day to quit drinking entirely, but after reading this forum, I knew that stopping so suddenly was extremely risky to my health, so I planned to taper down over a few days so as not to shock my body.
Then the roommate hid the vodka from me and I was not able to taper, so I crashed. Hard.
I thought I was doing fine, then I felt the pressure in my head. I dealt with it, a little nervous, until I noticed I wasn't seeing clearly out of one of my eyes, and the pressure had spread to there. I realized (again, from the posts on this board) that my blood pressure was very high and the time for just manning it out at home had passed. I needed to be seen by a doctor, and soon.
.... In the hospital, I slept. A lot. I hadn't slept properly in days. I was grateful every time they gave me the Ativan shot in my IV because it meant I could pass back out and sleep and get some recovery time, away from the stress of what I was dealing with. I finally ate when they brought me hospital food. Didn't taste half bad, considering it was my first good meal in days. I ate four meals there before they finally released me.
I can't say I didn't break down crying before I left. Part of me was so eager to get out of the hospital, but part of me dreaded coming home and what I had to deal with. The BF picked me up -- he had just left to give me space to sober up so he could come back and deal with real issues instead of getting yelled at by a drunk person. I understood that. I was still bitter that I almost died and had to drive myself to the ER because I felt abandoned.
It was a quiet car ride home. All the pharmacies were closed, so I couldn't get my Ativan prescription filled. We went and got some 'ZzzQuil' (nyquil, but for sleep) and a few of those 'Drank' drinks so I could maybe get some sleep that night.
.... long story short, I told my BF what had happened with our roommate and he kicked him out within ten minutes. We both promise to do better, to try to move on. I was going to go to an AA meeting this morning, but after kicking our roommate out, we found the vodka he stashed from me and I used that as a coping tool to finally realize I had been raped. It is my anxiety tool. I don't like that... it's like trying to solve a problem with a problem.
I am buzzed if not inebriated typing this but I hope to look back and see it as a cathartic measure. I am geared toward change, but it is like razorblades at this point. I know it's coming, this has been a terrible 'rock bottom' weekend for me and I do not ever wish to go through withdrawals like that, nor regret, nor weakness anymore. I know I played my part in putting myself in that position, but I never thought I would be raped in my own home, just because I decided to drink after getting laid off.
.... sorry this is all muddled. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. Thanks for listening.
First off, I would like to thank everyone who has posted in the past. In my darkest time on Saturday it truly helped me to look over everyone's post and realize I was not alone. It scared me how much I related to everyone's past experiences, from regret and shame, fear, feelings of worthlessness and being alone, devastation at losses - both personal and of pride, feeling downtrodden and fed up.
I would particularly like to thank everyone who posted in the "What you don't miss" thread, reading through that made me realize all that alcohol is taking from me... and yet I continue to drink.
I want to thank everyone who posted in the detox/withdrawal thread because you helped me know when I needed to go to the ER when I was detoxing on Sunday. I felt a pressure in my head that spread to my eye, causing blurred vision on one side. From your posts I realized this was high blood pressure. When I got to the ER (stupidly I drove myself), they told me my BP was so high my head was about to explode. I got hooked up to an IV and heart rate monitor and was given Ativan. As I lie there watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers on the ER television, they waited for my BP to go down, knowing if it didn't then I would have to be admitted to the hospital. That's what ended up happening.
I still have the glue from the heart rate monitors adhered to my skin as I sit here and type this. I still had it on my skin when I drank last night and this morning to deal with the consequences of this weekend.
You see, I was laid off from work after a grueling four months of being told it was going to happen. Everyone at work had sour attitudes and our morale declined the closer and closer our 'laid off' date came. I absorbed all that negativity and increased my alcohol consumption. When I was finally laid off, I went on a 7-day binge. In that time, I blacked out several times -- but one of those times, I woke up to being sexually assaulted by my roommate, someone whom my boyfriend and I trusted dearly and whom we have done a lot for, including providing housing for him despite his inability to pay rent.
This was extremely traumatic to me. When I realized what had happened, I drank more to drown it out. I exploded at my boyfriend in a verbally violent rage and sent him away for almost three days. In those three days is when I ended up in the hospital -- but before then, I experienced the worst withdrawal/detox I could have imagined.
On Day 7 of my binge, I was throwing up every 5 minutes. I couldn't keep water, let alone a saltine, down. I stumbled, barely able to walk, to our bedroom and lie there in bed, shaking horribly. I knew I almost had a convulsion with the severity of my shakes. I tried everything to hold on to my consciousness and rolled over, trying to close my eyes and rest - but with my BF chased away because of a drunken outrage, all I could do was listen to the sound of passing cars or my dogs barking and hope he would come home. At the same time, I didn't want him to see me that way. As I tried to sleep, I started having the worst hallucinations, all the time shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. The more I tried to relax, the worse I felt and the more vivid the dreams/hallucinations. Every thought was jumbled. I could hear and see people talking to me, but then everything would dissolve into something wicked and horrible.
It was literally the worst day of my life.
I had chased away my best friend and my lover, I had been - it's hard to say - raped... by my roommate, and I was going through the withdrawals from hell. I felt so terribly alone, scared to death I was going to die but wishing it would happen.
After the longest day of my life, morning came and I felt better. I started to get up and forced myself to clean the house, hoping the BF would come home. I intended that day to quit drinking entirely, but after reading this forum, I knew that stopping so suddenly was extremely risky to my health, so I planned to taper down over a few days so as not to shock my body.
Then the roommate hid the vodka from me and I was not able to taper, so I crashed. Hard.
I thought I was doing fine, then I felt the pressure in my head. I dealt with it, a little nervous, until I noticed I wasn't seeing clearly out of one of my eyes, and the pressure had spread to there. I realized (again, from the posts on this board) that my blood pressure was very high and the time for just manning it out at home had passed. I needed to be seen by a doctor, and soon.
.... In the hospital, I slept. A lot. I hadn't slept properly in days. I was grateful every time they gave me the Ativan shot in my IV because it meant I could pass back out and sleep and get some recovery time, away from the stress of what I was dealing with. I finally ate when they brought me hospital food. Didn't taste half bad, considering it was my first good meal in days. I ate four meals there before they finally released me.
I can't say I didn't break down crying before I left. Part of me was so eager to get out of the hospital, but part of me dreaded coming home and what I had to deal with. The BF picked me up -- he had just left to give me space to sober up so he could come back and deal with real issues instead of getting yelled at by a drunk person. I understood that. I was still bitter that I almost died and had to drive myself to the ER because I felt abandoned.
It was a quiet car ride home. All the pharmacies were closed, so I couldn't get my Ativan prescription filled. We went and got some 'ZzzQuil' (nyquil, but for sleep) and a few of those 'Drank' drinks so I could maybe get some sleep that night.
.... long story short, I told my BF what had happened with our roommate and he kicked him out within ten minutes. We both promise to do better, to try to move on. I was going to go to an AA meeting this morning, but after kicking our roommate out, we found the vodka he stashed from me and I used that as a coping tool to finally realize I had been raped. It is my anxiety tool. I don't like that... it's like trying to solve a problem with a problem.
I am buzzed if not inebriated typing this but I hope to look back and see it as a cathartic measure. I am geared toward change, but it is like razorblades at this point. I know it's coming, this has been a terrible 'rock bottom' weekend for me and I do not ever wish to go through withdrawals like that, nor regret, nor weakness anymore. I know I played my part in putting myself in that position, but I never thought I would be raped in my own home, just because I decided to drink after getting laid off.
.... sorry this is all muddled. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. Thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
I'm really sorry what happened to you. Unfortunately, alcohol makes women more vulnerable to sexual assault, no question. And, drinking always makes us vulnerable.
If you decide to stop drinking, we are here to offer support.
If you decide to stop drinking, we are here to offer support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Anna 
I'm really sorry what happened to you. Unfortunately, alcohol makes women more vulnerable to sexual assault, no question. And, drinking always makes us vulnerable.
If you decide to stop drinking, we are here to offer support.
If you decide to stop drinking, we are here to offer support.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by Genesu
I feel like I'm playing a very stereotypical part in a well-known play. :/
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
Originally Posted by Anna
I'm really sorry what happened to you. Unfortunately, alcohol makes women more vulnerable to sexual assault, no question. And, drinking always makes us vulnerable.
If you decide to stop drinking, we are here to offer support.
If you decide to stop drinking, we are here to offer support.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
