Falling in love and alcoholism
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Falling in love and alcoholism
I just read an article about relationships. Falling in love and loving that person for life. I have never stuck with anyone. Burn through relationships one right after another.
As I was reading I was struck with how my love life history is the same as my drinking history.
The story goes that love is a decision as opposed to a sensation. It said that when the newness wears off and life becomes mundane people split up and look for "love" again. That is me to the teeth. People who handle relationships this way end up in the same situation over and over again.
I handle my sobriety the same way I handle my love life. Just stopping doesnt carry me for life. I have to decide to love my sobriety when it becomes common and mundane. At first I felt "high" on being sober. No hangovers, looking better, thinking clearly. Whats not to love about that?
I must decide to love myself and my life as a sober person if I want this to last. I have never truly commited to anything in my life. I know this sounds kind of half baked but I really think I am starting to figure some things out.
As I was reading I was struck with how my love life history is the same as my drinking history.
The story goes that love is a decision as opposed to a sensation. It said that when the newness wears off and life becomes mundane people split up and look for "love" again. That is me to the teeth. People who handle relationships this way end up in the same situation over and over again.
I handle my sobriety the same way I handle my love life. Just stopping doesnt carry me for life. I have to decide to love my sobriety when it becomes common and mundane. At first I felt "high" on being sober. No hangovers, looking better, thinking clearly. Whats not to love about that?
I must decide to love myself and my life as a sober person if I want this to last. I have never truly commited to anything in my life. I know this sounds kind of half baked but I really think I am starting to figure some things out.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: far away
Posts: 392
he3y escapist , i can relate to this too. hope you find your way, for me i needhelp. imgoing through the program and love can take a back seat right now, because im useless at love because im useless at being me lol.
peace
peace
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Good observations escapist.
Chasing the FEELING. The HIGH of the relationship. The HIGH of the quest for Sobriety. Chasing the FEELING and discarding everything else to chase the next FEELING. I wanna FEEL GOOD. What's wrong with that?
In my life it led to Addiction, and discarding the possibilities of working through to a deeper commitment in life. It sucks, because I want that GOOD FEELING. Reality is a stone cold mother. It may be a cliche', but Sobriety has been a process of learning to live Life on Life's terms. In my REAL world, Love & Sobriety take real work, and sometimes I just can't place chasing the FEELING above doing the next right thing.
Chasing the FEELING. The HIGH of the relationship. The HIGH of the quest for Sobriety. Chasing the FEELING and discarding everything else to chase the next FEELING. I wanna FEEL GOOD. What's wrong with that?
In my life it led to Addiction, and discarding the possibilities of working through to a deeper commitment in life. It sucks, because I want that GOOD FEELING. Reality is a stone cold mother. It may be a cliche', but Sobriety has been a process of learning to live Life on Life's terms. In my REAL world, Love & Sobriety take real work, and sometimes I just can't place chasing the FEELING above doing the next right thing.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Alcohol and drugs stopped working for me. They turned on me, destroyed my life and my mind. When I put down the drink and got involved in recovery I saw what a difference there was and never wanted to risk trying it again. The effects of alcohol and drugs in my body are crystal clear to me.
Relationships were a different story. I always associated love with the feeling you speak of. That usually lasts around 3 months for me. Sometimes it would go up to a year. Unlike with alcohol though, the price wasn't all that high to pay. I'd cry and feel lost for a short while if was the one who got dumped, but I learned to navigate my flings well and in the end of my dating experiences wound up the guy who usually did the dumping. The feelings associated with that honeymoon period are like heroin to me. Problems dissolve into nothing, the flowers begin to smell wonderful... I remember saying to people that the sidewalk could split wide open right now in front of me, and I'd laugh and say, "Oh well, gotta go sometime or another." It just felt to me like everything in the universe fell into place.
I'm now with the same woman for almost 16 years. I don't get that high feeling anymore, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I don't crave it at times. I have however found "love" to me a much different thing than I thought it was, and I'm incredibly happy to be experiencing it. My wife is my best friend and we're 100% on each others side.
Have a whole lot more I'd like to share, but have to get to work. The point of this post is that you're absolutely not alone with this stuff, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Getting to see that light took a long time for me, but I promise it's there once the mind is clear enough to recognize it. Doing away with the alcohol and drugs had to come first for me, without a doubt.
Relationships were a different story. I always associated love with the feeling you speak of. That usually lasts around 3 months for me. Sometimes it would go up to a year. Unlike with alcohol though, the price wasn't all that high to pay. I'd cry and feel lost for a short while if was the one who got dumped, but I learned to navigate my flings well and in the end of my dating experiences wound up the guy who usually did the dumping. The feelings associated with that honeymoon period are like heroin to me. Problems dissolve into nothing, the flowers begin to smell wonderful... I remember saying to people that the sidewalk could split wide open right now in front of me, and I'd laugh and say, "Oh well, gotta go sometime or another." It just felt to me like everything in the universe fell into place.
I'm now with the same woman for almost 16 years. I don't get that high feeling anymore, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I don't crave it at times. I have however found "love" to me a much different thing than I thought it was, and I'm incredibly happy to be experiencing it. My wife is my best friend and we're 100% on each others side.
Have a whole lot more I'd like to share, but have to get to work. The point of this post is that you're absolutely not alone with this stuff, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Getting to see that light took a long time for me, but I promise it's there once the mind is clear enough to recognize it. Doing away with the alcohol and drugs had to come first for me, without a doubt.
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Escapist,
Falling in love is certainly a high. But long term love offers a different set of rewards. Having been in my relationship for 19 years, regardless of its current state, it has always had ebbs and flows. I had to learn to let the other grow within the context of what I wanted out of life. A compromise in so many ways. We used that compromise in a healthy way for many many years. Its what makes getting up every day exciting with that person.
Despite recent events and future outcomes I have to say we still have fun every day. Love evolved through addiction these last several years. That has warped it into something unrecognizable from when it first started. Time does that too but time does not mutilate love like addiction.
I am starting new in many many ways in life these last few months. Love or the desire to be lost in love is quite low on my list.
I am the love of my life now. a focus I never had and probably why I allowed so many things to go poorly. But I know, with my addictions, I must always be that love. Anything else. Anyone else in that role will not be whats best for me. Or most likely mask whats best for me.
I am so happy for you to discover these things about yourself. Sounds like you are growing into your sobriety. We can all learn from that.
Ken
Falling in love is certainly a high. But long term love offers a different set of rewards. Having been in my relationship for 19 years, regardless of its current state, it has always had ebbs and flows. I had to learn to let the other grow within the context of what I wanted out of life. A compromise in so many ways. We used that compromise in a healthy way for many many years. Its what makes getting up every day exciting with that person.
Despite recent events and future outcomes I have to say we still have fun every day. Love evolved through addiction these last several years. That has warped it into something unrecognizable from when it first started. Time does that too but time does not mutilate love like addiction.
I am starting new in many many ways in life these last few months. Love or the desire to be lost in love is quite low on my list.
I am the love of my life now. a focus I never had and probably why I allowed so many things to go poorly. But I know, with my addictions, I must always be that love. Anything else. Anyone else in that role will not be whats best for me. Or most likely mask whats best for me.
I am so happy for you to discover these things about yourself. Sounds like you are growing into your sobriety. We can all learn from that.
Ken
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