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Boiling over

Old 04-16-2013, 06:42 PM
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Boiling over

Day 4. I am really struggling right now. I was feeling good until I got home. But I am deteriorating REALLY FAST and I feel like I am about to have a conniption fit! I am sick of coming home to a drunk person, clouds of smoke, and loud music every day when I know I am inches away from taking a drink. I have been home for not even two hours and I am about to snap! If home can't be a safe place, then am I just supposed to stay out every day until 2am? They can clearly see I'm angry, but seem to think they should ignore it and that I am being selfish. The only advice I seem to be getting is to focus on myself right now and not other people, which is not bad advice at all, but I can't even think in this environment! I tried earplugs, but it's going through my earplugs. I am going for a walk, but I know when I get back it's going to be the same thing all over again.
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:50 PM
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UGH...I'm so sorry to hear that...that is horrible! I'm on day 3, so I get it, not easy, but no one is drinking here. I hope someone has a good bit of advice for you. All I can think, do you have a friend or family member that knows you're getting sober and you can just go stay?

I have no advice, just wanted to tell you I agree...not cool...hang in there!
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:52 PM
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Hi NotSoIvory,

I'm not familiar with your situation enough to make an informed contribution but if it is YOUR house and you are just being a good person letting these folks stay at your place I highly suggest you make a plan to rid them from your home. You are not responsible for anyone but you (and children if you have them) and if you cannot find safety in your own home because of people who can go elsewhere you might want to begin thinking about a strategy to make your home the safe place you desire.

Sending good wishes and positive sober thoughts!!
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:05 PM
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I just want to say I truly do appreciate everyone's feedback so much. (I really hope that my post didn't sound contrary to that.)
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:24 PM
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It sounds like things need to change in your home environment. My home is my sanctuary, a safe haven away from the world. I would not be able to come home to drinking, clouds of smoke and people. I could not do it. I get where you are at. If your partner is not on board with you and wants to continue down the path that he/she is on, maybe you need to make another plan for yourself. It is very important to have support in your home and with your partner.
My husband and I had to have a lot of conversations ( sometimes arguments) about what we both needed in our home environment. Compromise has been met. When people say that you should focus on yourself, that also means that it is imperative that you look out for your well being and your sobriety.
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:29 PM
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Who are the people who are drinking/smoking/being loud? If it's your brother, could your husband intervene on your behalf since you're still so early in sobriety? If it's your husband, then yes I would think a conversation is in order if you can't even have peace with earplugs in...

If you think it'll lead to an argument maybe you could even just negotiate a short window, to be revisited later. No loud music or smoke during the first two weeks, and at that point you can discuss house conduct moving forward?
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:31 PM
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focusing on yourself does not mean putting up with other people's unacceptable behavior.

You need a safe place to live.

I don't know the specifics either. But start by thinking what is best for you and your sobriety, set boundaries, and don't do it alone...seek out support from the recovering community, family and friends, church, women's aid, etc.

You do not need to keep this a secret from those who can help. You are doing a good thing for yourself here at SR.

My best to you...I know there are people and maybe agencies in your area that can help.
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:43 PM
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Hey it sounds like you are staying sober under trying conditions.me too.we arent alone though..and i am grateful for that..you can do it..v
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by IWillWin View Post
Hi NotSoIvory,

I'm not familiar with your situation enough to make an informed contribution but if it is YOUR house and you are just being a good person letting these folks stay at your place I highly suggest you make a plan to rid them from your home. You are not responsible for anyone but you (and children if you have them) and if you cannot find safety in your own home because of people who can go elsewhere you might want to begin thinking about a strategy to make your home the safe place you desire.

Sending good wishes and positive sober thoughts!!
I think this is the biggest challenge I have to face.
Yes, it's my home and there is nowhere else for me to go. (My brother and my mom live with me.)

I couldn't take it anymore and I had to say something. I told him that I provide him with a safe place to stay, and that I need that in return and that he needed to have a little more consideration.

It didn't go over very well. He got indignant and turned his music back up the second I was done talking. Blatent. Now we are both angry. My biggest fear is that I will be forced to give him an ultimatum. I have broken enough relationships from drinking, and now I am breaking them sober as well. But I can't live like this. I feel it would take somebody much stronger than I am right now...
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:55 PM
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To clarify, my hudband doesn't live with me. We are separated, but working on it.
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Old 04-16-2013, 08:56 PM
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If the relationship is broken that will be your brothers fault not yours.

Alcoholic or not, you have a right to dictate the kind of behaviour you find unacceptable in your own home. Period.

Part of my recovery was learning about healthy boundaries for myself and learning the importance of insisting on them.

D
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Old 04-16-2013, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by fantail View Post
If you think it'll lead to an argument maybe you could even just negotiate a short window, to be revisited later. No loud music or smoke during the first two weeks, and at that point you can discuss house conduct moving forward?
I like this idea, I mentioned the particulars that were bothering me, like the music.
He said that what he does shouldn't affect me and that loud music has nothing to do with drinking and drinking is everywhere in the world and I should learn to deal with it.
Ugh. Not even sure why I bothered talking to him since he's always drinking by the time I get home.
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Old 04-16-2013, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
If the relationship is broken that will be your brothers fault not yours.

Alcoholic or not, you have a right to dictate the kind of behaviour you find unacceptable in your own home. Period.

Part of my recovery was learning about healthy boundaries for myself and learning the importance of insisting on them.

D
Thanks for that, Dee. I'm inclined to agree, but I sure feel like a jerk right now.
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Old 04-16-2013, 09:08 PM
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The other part of that was learning to stand up for myself and not feeling like a jerk for doing it

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Old 04-16-2013, 09:08 PM
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Looks like I need AA and Al Anon meetings both! :P
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Old 04-16-2013, 09:12 PM
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Vandermast, not sure of the details of your situation, but I feel for you. Wishing you all the best for your sobriety. Stay strong!
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Old 04-16-2013, 10:46 PM
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Hi NotSo. Stick with it. I threw a lot of conniption fits at first. It's hard when friends and family continue when we are trying to quit, but you can only change for yourself and lead by example. The loud music is another story... That would be annoying, maybe you can work out a compromise about the volume. Good to see you back!
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Old 04-16-2013, 10:47 PM
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Your brother may have to leave to save your sanity and sobriety. If he takes it badly that's on him, not you. I agree with setting boundaries and sticking to them. It's your house, after all.
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Old 04-16-2013, 11:12 PM
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I too believe, Notso, that the situation with your brother is completely untenable for you. To be honest, the way he behaves in your home - and especially given that you've taken him in when he was in a bad place after the death of his son: that kind of carrying on is unacceptable for ANYONE to put up with.

In one sense, try to picture it if someone ( a friend, say) was telling you about being treated like dirt in this way at home - REGARDLESS of whether that person / friend is going through early sobriety, late sobriety, or just 'ordinary' life, with no particular addiction problems. See where I'm going?

This kind of stuff is sheer abuse. You do not have to endure it. Family members in particular can be outrageously exploitative, particularly of us women in the family. And it's especially cruel and thoughtless of your brother to be carrying on like this when he knows full well that you're trying to get and stay sober, and that you're therefore in a very vulnerable state yourself.

If he's in a shocking state himself, because of grief etc, that's sad. But if you tell him he has to find somewhere else to live, he can in fact do that. He can seek any supports - even for housing, counselling, etc - that HE needs to get. He does not need to be dragging you down with him.
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Old 04-16-2013, 11:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Lorax1981 View Post
Good to see you back!
Thanks Lorax, I am very glad to be back and happy to see friendly "faces."

This evening was extremely rough on me, but this site has helped me so much and I have successfully made it through day 4!
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