Sponsor less and relapsed
 

I'm confused and unhappy. March of 2012 I went through a tramautic event. I suffered many back issues and have permanet nerve damage in my left arm. I came into aa in may 2012 and I didn't get sober until September 2012. In march of this year I had went for an epidural injection in my neck. I have and actual bruise on my spine. I was told by the doctor to stay off my feet for three days. The next day I didn't make a meeting. I went to work and came home my sponsor and I had our first disagreement because I didn't want to go to a meeting. I was really sore and she didn't understand. Four days passed and I don't know if when I got the injection in my neck if they accidentally hit a nerve but my left side of my face was paralyzed. My doctor said its unrelated but I'm not so sure. I was put on antibiotics and steroids. I thought I was going to rip someone's head off my whole body felt out of wack. My sponsor insisted I go to a meeting with her. So I sat in the meeting annoyed as hell. My left eye wouldn't blink, so I sat there w an eye patch on and sunglasses .... Extremely uncomfortable. Then she wanted to immediately do step 4 that night I said your crazy. I can barely see and your pushing me too much. I started to loose interest in the program. I told her that week how unhappy I was and my thoughts.

Then last Sunday I felt like everything was overwhelming me: my job, my marriage, my daughter, the program. I was crying on the phone with her and I told her I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't know if I believe in the promises. Her exact words were well if that's how you feel I don't think I can sponsor you. I said f this and went out and drank. I just blew the 6 months of sobriety I worked so hard for. I went on a week binge and she wouldn't stop texting me. Telling me I hurt her by drinking. I friggen hurt myself. I was disappointed in myself. So I called another female in the program Friday and begged her to be my temporary sponsor bc I wanted to come back. She went haywire and texted me how hurt she was that I asked someone else to sponsor me. I really don't get it bc she dropped me what else was I supposed to do. I went and drank that day too.

She also called the girl I asked to temporarily sponsor me and told her that she should have told me no bc she's my sponsor. So now I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to pick up the pieces. I have three days back and I saw her in a meeting tonight and was really uncomfortable. She didnt even look my way like I'm a piece of **** or something.. How do I bounce back ? What should I do ? :react

This is exactly why I haven't chosen a sponsor yet. I haven't found the right person to suit my personality and busy life that precludes me from physically going to meetings many times a week. I work on my sobriety everyday, but need someone who understands that my obligations and travel schedule don't make me an ideal sponsee who will accompany them to meetings all the time.

Sounds like your sponsor and you don't click. I say find a new one. I know I will find mine too. And I know I won't stop looking. But it has to be right for me. And you need someone who understands you enough to realize her own behavior could compromise your sobriety (and, in reality, it did). I know she is not responsible for your picking up, but her behavior since is certainly not helpful.

Just my 2cents for what it's worth. :)

Thanks ... I told her the truth I drank bc I'm an alcoholic not cause of her but I thought she was supposed to guide me not push me .... I'm really unsure of everything I learned now bc I don't know how to feel comfortable ... She has twenty years and I have three days .... Ugh

Wow. You are going through a lot of BS. If AA helps you and it sounds like it does then continue going. You are getting sober for yourself and you gotta do what ever it takes. Don't let anyone take it from you.

I would call your sponsor and politely say, I am looking for another sponsor, we aren't working out. And that is ok to do. My sponsor is wonderful and understands that I have a demanding job and home life, yours should too. The thing with people in AA, they're people too.

Best of luck and I really do hope you feel better. Congrats ion your three days back.

Having a sponsor can be a bit tricky as its dealing with people. Don't get your sponsor who is just hum and another addict/alcoholic confused with the program, people can confuse me or let me down, the program doesn't.

I was fortunate to find a sponsor that I admire and suits me well. But I had a couple of false starts. Don't use other people in recovery as your reason to pick up. Move on find a new sponsor and work with them to heal.

I'd find another sponsor also if yours is going to drop you like a hot rock. Besides, you are free to choose another one if your first one isn't working out. Sounds like she has control issues. Get another sponsor. :hug:

Ya know.....when we first enter AA, we're given lots of suggestions....one of those is to not make any major changes in early sobriety/recovery (or as that suggestion has become.....not to enter into a relationship in the first year).

The obvious reason for this suggestion is that when we first get to AA, we need to put sobriety/recovery first, and a relationship would, or could, take our focus off our sobriety/recovery goal.

Another reason could be that, again when we first get to AA, we're not in the best mental health; our 'picker' probably isn't in such grest shape either.

Now, it's suggested that we get into The Program; working The Steps, and to do this it's suggested we get a sponsor. Now wait just a dang minute here. How, are we supposed to discern who would be a good sponsor for us if our 'picker' is broke? Ahhhhh, an AA conundrum; a catch-22.

I wouldn't worry about your (ex) sponsor. Might I make a suggestion? Oh boy, I can hear you now, "Oh great, another suggestion!!!!" There's a great pamphlet on AA's website about sponsorship; you might wanna give a perusal........:

http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

Sorry all I had was another suggestion, but there's lots of good info in that pamphlet; it sure helped me.........you just keep on keepin' on.........

(o:
NoelleR

a new sponsor is probably for the best
 

It is a harsh lesson that's for sure. But some people who are sponsors do not have the emotional sobriety to be one. I would hold off on getting another until you find someone who you get to know a little better. They need to have emotional sobriety as well as physical sobriety. Sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. But it will pass. Just hang in there and keep focused on staying sober.

Bluetiger, move on in your sobriety without the sponsor you had. Find you a sponsor more compatable with you. You can quit, rootin for ya. :egypt:

I was under the impression that she dropped me. Step three says a power greater than ourselves ... I believe in the rooms and the people in them .... I didn't think she was going to steer me wrong but she's caught up in a lot of gossip ... I found out last night that she is dating her old sponsee's ex ... The rooms for me are a safe place .... I just don't feel comfortable in them anymore .... My friend who is like a brother to me brought me into the program last year when I called him while detoxing .... I feel like I'm clinging to him like glue because I'm extremely uncomfortable ..... Last night I sat with the boys because the four girls including my sponsor sat together .... This was my home group .... I read the sponsor ship pamphlet .... I thought the purpose of aa was to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic or the new comer and here I am again embarrassed and humilated as I said I have three days back .... For the last year I keep trudging along

Bluetiger: My inclination about this is that you might consider just trying to stay cool and not drink. Remember, your primary obligation is not to your sponsor or anyone else but to yourself. You can get by without a sponsor for awhile if you go to meetings. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. It's all up to you. When things settle down a bit then you can look around for another sponsor if you feel ready for it. The gist of a good recovery is to free oneself from dependency, not only on booze or other substances, but on "people, places and things." Try to continue going to meetings. If one meeting makes you uncomfortable try another. But the main thing is don't drink. The drink gets inside your head and hooks up with a part of your brain which is definitely not your friend. Try to focus on that and when you hear that part of your brain suggesting alcohol, tell it to buzz off. You can do that if you focus on it.

W.

Hi Bluetiger,

Try to put all this behind you as quickly as you can, even though it totally looks like you've been done some serious injustices. People don't always measure up to their own talk, and although its not fair in many ways, walking away from trouble is sometimes the best answer for these kind of scenarios.

Good to hear you're on day three. Awesome you didn't completely run away with that very short return to drinking. Don't let yourself beat yourself up because of what others may or may not be saying about whatever. We quit drinking to have a better life, and so we don't need to waste our efforts on others broken promises or troubles.

Good to hear you still have faith in yourself, others, and the program. Sobriety does rock, and I'm sure you'll discover that moving forward is in itself a wonderful experience.

:You_Rock_

It sounds like you are beating yourself up plenty for having relapsed.

While you are doing that, please give yourself a little credit for being SIX MONTHS sober. That is a GREAT accomplishment and should tell you a lot about yourself and your ability to quit drinking!

And whatever your current or future status with regard to AA and sponsorship, you can also rely on these forums for help staying sober. Don't forget that.

P.S. Bluetiger:Why not consider that this website (SR) is your sponsor, at least until things get a little straightened out. One advantage of this would be that if one of us gets a little carried away the others can provide more balance and perspective.
"Sponsors" are human and have human faults. One of them can be getting carried away by a feeling of power or superiority. Maybe treating a person in recovery like a dog on a leash. Early on in the program I encountered a sponsor who kept referring to her sponsees as her "pigeons", repeating this over and over again. This led me to wondering if any of her "pigeons" ended up giving her the "bird". I like to think of a sponsor as a friend, someone to call in a crisis, not as an animal trainer. Maybe eventually you can find yourself a friend who has has some perspective and humility. Until then why not hang around on SR?

W.

I kept asking myself over and over again who's journey was I living mine or hers ... I ran it by three different females and I kept trying to make it work and it wasn't ... But she has twenty years I told her and to be blunt she wasn't living the program she was someone who doesn't drink ... I don't want what she has and to please stop texting me ... I feel like she's one of my psycho ex boyfriends

She knew I was going threw a lot ... With my health with my husband which if you read the stuff I posted a month or so ago hates that I'm in the program and made me chose between him and meetings ... I'm struggling and all she cared about was making meetings .. Take your daughter who cares if I just pulled a double or had a dr appointment ... I told her aa felt like a chore and she didn't get it

it reads like someone was tryin to be your HP. not good. i would highly suggest letting it go and move on with another, more solid member of recovery to be your sponsor.

"I told her aa felt like a chore and she didn't get it "
do you mean meetings?

Nah I like meetings but there hard to get too being that I have a 7 year old ... I go to 4 a week ... I was doing the best I could ... I read up to chapter 6 in the bb and we did the steps out of the little red book and the step book... She was going so fast I really don't even know what I read