Happier

Glad things went well at the meeting. I hope that you find the true recovery, peace and healthy future that you seek. I truly believe that it exists.

Goat

I just had a bit of an epiphany on NotSoIvory's thread.

My relationship with a higher power has always been a struggle. I vehemently do not believe in the christian god, and I have a long history of enmity with the church, so turning my will over to that concept of a higher power is a non-starter.

In the past I just kinda grabbed onto the first higher power that popped into my head.... that higher power is a general respect for nature and the natural world. But turning my will over to that higher power is confusing me. I never really understood how to do it. And I think that was a huge part of my problem in AA and in recovery in general. I did not know *how* to turn my will over, and that prevented me from progressing.

I have heard many people say that they use the community -- either THIS community or the fellowship in AA -- as their higher power.

Today that suddenly clicked. I CAN turn my will over to that higher power. Because I believe in this community with every fiber of my being. And I know how to do it. I am doing it now.

My life has become unmanageable. Only by turning my will over to this community of wonderful people can I achieve recovery. I am going to go to meetings and I am going to find a sponsor who understands my new higher power, and I will continue to read and post here because this is my last chance. I see all of your hands reaching out to help me out of this pit, and I am swallowing my last shred of ego and accepting the help.

sugarbear1

We don't turn our will over to a higher power. We always have free will. We are under the care of a power greater than us. We meditate and attempt to align our will with our higher power's will so we can be useful to others.

Goat

Yes, I agree, and in the framework of the community as higher power that makes so much more sense.

And I think you may have also revealed a mistake that I make that I need to be mindful of. I've been familiar with AA stuff for long enough that sometimes I just quote the catch phrases without putting enough thought into what they mean.

sugarbear1

Amazing what happens when one uses a dictionary to define those words we thought we understood.

Trudge = to walk with a purpose

Goat

So I have an immediate plan. That's way better than I have ever been before. I can take this plan one day at a time.

I need to be aware of what the alcoholism will do to get me back.

One puzzling aspect of my alcoholism is that I have a number of medical conditions that my doctor can't quite put her finger on (i.e. they are psychosomatic).

The only one that's somewhat real is a problem with low blood sugar.

All of these problems go away completely when I drink. Which tells me they are an artifact of the alcoholism. It won't happen this week, but give it a couple of weeks and I'll start having vague roving chest pains, difficulty breathing, low blood sugar and heart palpitations. I'll get that old sense of dread and worry about dying again, and the alcohol will start calling to me. "You want a break from this, don't you? Well I have an immediate solution.... just open my bottle and you'll get the break you want."

I know it's coming and I need to be ready for it. This particular thing has drug me back into the bottle more times than I can count.

I've been to the doc. I've got a clean bill of health. I *KNOW* these things are in my head. But that doesn't always make them easier to deal with.