Taking a Stand, Setting Boundaries, Detachment HELP!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Taking a Stand, Setting Boundaries, Detachment HELP!!!
I have posted once before here but since all those months ago things got even worse and out of hand. The story is no different than any of the others of codependent lovers or family members and all the lies, excuses, name calling, throwing dishes, never coming come, blame game, manipulation, etc. all ring true in my case.
We have been living together since summer of 2011 and I finally had to put my foot down and decide I NO LONGER WANTED TO LIVE THIS WAY!!! I am 26 years old and I deserve, and can find, much better in life.
I tried detachment because I saw how insane HIS problem was making ME and he sat there with nothing to say, except the sound of an opening beer. And that was my goal. Read. Get Smart. Get outta his way. And I did. I joined AlAnon, bought books, read forumns, put my foot down. But as many of you can imagine it fueled his fire of frustration and he found that my avoiding him meant I wasnt making him the center of my world anymore.
Ill be honest and say that it didnt last long but at least I tried. One day as I was trying to go to sleep, hearing him scream that I was a fu**ing c**t because there wasnt any sweet tea in the fridge and how since I wouldnt have sex with him (because I said no sex, nothing if youve been drinking) that I MUST be a wh**e and be sleeping with everyone in the city. I made the decision this was out of control and told him he needed to step up and get in a program or move out.
He has made plans to leave tomorrow. He chose the mistress alcohol over me. No surprise there! He'd been doing it for this long, why not now??
So here in lies my problem... I love this dumbass for a man. That wont wake up to his own issue and instead uses phrases like;
"if you didnt bitch so much I wouldnt have to drink"
"if you would have sex with me, I would be motivated to stop drinking"
"if you didnt stress me out so much with everything, I would come home"
on and on and on.
Sorry so long. But thats a quick tale. Now the real question is... How can I detach after he's gone and not contact him (which I know Ill have the urge to check in). And what are other boundaries you set with a seperated spouse or partner?
All help and advice is wanted and appreciated!
We have been living together since summer of 2011 and I finally had to put my foot down and decide I NO LONGER WANTED TO LIVE THIS WAY!!! I am 26 years old and I deserve, and can find, much better in life.
I tried detachment because I saw how insane HIS problem was making ME and he sat there with nothing to say, except the sound of an opening beer. And that was my goal. Read. Get Smart. Get outta his way. And I did. I joined AlAnon, bought books, read forumns, put my foot down. But as many of you can imagine it fueled his fire of frustration and he found that my avoiding him meant I wasnt making him the center of my world anymore.
Ill be honest and say that it didnt last long but at least I tried. One day as I was trying to go to sleep, hearing him scream that I was a fu**ing c**t because there wasnt any sweet tea in the fridge and how since I wouldnt have sex with him (because I said no sex, nothing if youve been drinking) that I MUST be a wh**e and be sleeping with everyone in the city. I made the decision this was out of control and told him he needed to step up and get in a program or move out.
He has made plans to leave tomorrow. He chose the mistress alcohol over me. No surprise there! He'd been doing it for this long, why not now??
So here in lies my problem... I love this dumbass for a man. That wont wake up to his own issue and instead uses phrases like;
"if you didnt bitch so much I wouldnt have to drink"
"if you would have sex with me, I would be motivated to stop drinking"
"if you didnt stress me out so much with everything, I would come home"
on and on and on.
Sorry so long. But thats a quick tale. Now the real question is... How can I detach after he's gone and not contact him (which I know Ill have the urge to check in). And what are other boundaries you set with a seperated spouse or partner?
All help and advice is wanted and appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
I don't know -- do you really think it's healthy for you to continue to have contact with this man? Are you really going to be able to maintain contact with him AND move on with your life? Are you at all concerned that you might get sucked back in?
It's just kinda hard for me to imagine your having ANY kind of healthy relationship with him as long as you still love him and he's still drinking and so deep in denial about his problem.
It's just kinda hard for me to imagine your having ANY kind of healthy relationship with him as long as you still love him and he's still drinking and so deep in denial about his problem.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Welcome back. We have great forums here for Family and Friends or Abusers.
My sister was the addict in my life. It took being physically abused, twice, before I left. I realized it wasn't her doing this but the drugs. I had no power over her choices to use. So I walked out of my own home, never to return until she left, and of course taking my most prized possessions. I've learned to sing Que Sera Sera. It is best for my own sanity.
My sister was the addict in my life. It took being physically abused, twice, before I left. I realized it wasn't her doing this but the drugs. I had no power over her choices to use. So I walked out of my own home, never to return until she left, and of course taking my most prized possessions. I've learned to sing Que Sera Sera. It is best for my own sanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
I dont think I made it very clear in my statement that I dotn want to get sucked back in. I dont want to contact him. I want to move on to something happier.
I was asking what types of boundaries do people make with people that they leave/seperate from Ah/AB. I want to go complete NC but I dont know if thats my best option. Im scared he'll do dumb things on social media (he once posted on a co-workers facebook while we were out to lunch "I hope the ***** was good" and I was devastated and thats what started this whole 'awakening') or tell the world craziness.
But thats just something else he will manipulate me with.
So it was just a general question I suppose. How did you go about getting the f*&@ away from your AB/AH?!?!
I was asking what types of boundaries do people make with people that they leave/seperate from Ah/AB. I want to go complete NC but I dont know if thats my best option. Im scared he'll do dumb things on social media (he once posted on a co-workers facebook while we were out to lunch "I hope the ***** was good" and I was devastated and thats what started this whole 'awakening') or tell the world craziness.
But thats just something else he will manipulate me with.
So it was just a general question I suppose. How did you go about getting the f*&@ away from your AB/AH?!?!
Co-dependant Control Freak
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 85
Well, you have to take measures if you really want it to end. Change your number, or block his calls. change your locks if he has a key. Warn friends and family of what could happen and have them unfriend or block him from social media sites. If you want it to end, go all the way.
Good luck, I hope this nightmare is over for you soon.
Good luck, I hope this nightmare is over for you soon.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I would agree - if you want it to end, cut it off 100%. Regarding social media, it's a complete waste of time IMHO. I used to have a facebook account and I closed it about 2 years ago. One of the best things I ever did ( well, after getting sober of course! )
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hi JustAnotherDay. You may find lots of good input in the Family & Friends of Alcoholics section of SR. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Lots of folks there facing the very issues you are dealing with today.
I know its hard, and very very sad, but in order to truly end a toxic relationship, no contact works best. And by that, I mean no talking, texting, facebooking, IM'ing, no stories from mutual friends and/or family. Nothing. Rip off the proverbial Band-Aid. It hurts like the dickens, but only for a little while.
Feel free to post on the F&F of A's forum. We look forward to seeing you there.
Peace,
~T
Lots of folks there facing the very issues you are dealing with today.
I know its hard, and very very sad, but in order to truly end a toxic relationship, no contact works best. And by that, I mean no talking, texting, facebooking, IM'ing, no stories from mutual friends and/or family. Nothing. Rip off the proverbial Band-Aid. It hurts like the dickens, but only for a little while.
Feel free to post on the F&F of A's forum. We look forward to seeing you there.
Peace,
~T
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