Vastreaction

I should be asleep right now.

Instead I'm hungover and posting at SR because I drank the last 2 nights. Calmly on the first one, thinking I could moderate again. Heavily yesterday, beginning at 4pm.

I even posted kind, encouraging words to others while I was having a beer, I'm pretty sure. I'm such a hypocrite. I really do hate this disease...

I'm sorry I let you down again, SR community, but I won't stop trying. I need to stop thinking I can EVER moderate. 9 days sober feels better than this, it feels so much better. You guys deserve better than this from me, thanks for being here as a rock.

sugarbear1

Just start today!

Hevyn

Not a hypocrite. An alcoholic. You are back to try again, vast - that's all the matters. We are not let down - we all understand how you're feeling right now. Giving up the idea of moderating is what set me free. Let's give this another go.

MeSoSober

I think if you were really a hypocrite, you wouldn't post that you were a hypocrite.

Here's to those upcoming nine (plus!) sober days . . .

Have you thought about why you drank and how to avoid it next time?

ScottFromWI

We've all been there Vast, most of us multiple times. For me it eventually became clear that I just cannot moderate - abstinance is the only option. For me it sometimes took weeks or even months to get back up to heavy drinking, but it always ended up at the same place eventually. What can you do differently this time to make sure you don't end up in the same situation?

mmhoule

Hang in there Vast...you know we have all been there. Isn't it funny how we feel amazing when we are sober and we feel empowered and helpful, and yet we still go back to something that makes us feels so miserable? I used to think it made me prettier, funnier, more exciting...I wonder if that is what I still hold onto? Can't be, because I hide it...sneak it...drink alone. I haven't figured out what my "trigger" is. It seems more that I have developed a habit. Like coffee in the morning, have to get a buzz on in the evening. And I can't stop either. If I am limited on time, I slam...problem is, then I want even more! I wish I understood myself better. I refuse to blame this on anyone but myself. These were choices I made which developed into an illness and dependency.

You can do this! Everyday is given to try again and one day you will conquer!

Vastreaction

Thanks all. Not 100% sure why I drank yet. Stress was a factor. Day 1 I just wanted the pleasure, and stopped after I got a buzz. Last night I just... went all out. I'll get back on the wagon

Michael66

I think many of us have learned the hard way that we can't moderate. The thing is to avoid relearning that lesson multiple times. I was stupid enough previously to think that after a year's sober time I had "reset" my response to alcohol. It took several years to get back on track after throwing away that year's sobriety. Some of us just can't ever entertain the thought of moderate drinking (though that itself seems to imply that moderate drinking is good and desirable, and I'm no longer so sure of that - I tend to think that sobriety is the better choice anyway).

Well done for getting back on the wagon promptly.

God bless +

fuegostring

Vast: that was me yesterday. Friday-Sunday I drank heavy and the accumulation effect made my entire Monday a waste of a day riddled with anxiety and guilt. I thought I was doing better by moderating last week. Didn't drink Mon, Tue and Thur but the reality was I made up for lost time on the days I did drink. Today, having abstained yesterday, I feel like scrooge on Christmas day! I'm as giddy as a schoolboy... It's becoming clear that moderation is a pipe dream and the sooner I realize alcohol is my kryptonite, my poison, the thing that will take my gift of life squander it as if it were worthless, the better. Sorry to be so windy but hang in there and have a great day tomorrow!

grandma12

Today seems like a good day to start day 1,

Vastreaction

So many nice words, makes me feel better. I'm just really scared for my job, i've already put it in jeopardy and now I can't get to sleep because the anxiety and shame are setting in. Sigh. What a vicious drug, I need to get to an AA meeting soon.

veryready

Vastreaction - Great job getting right back here. You'll get it. One thing that has helped me was to finally realize that it is not, and never was, moderation that I wanted. I don't miss drinking moderately. I never wanted to drink moderately, so why did that somehow become a goal. I just finally stopped thinking about moderation and working towards that. Can't do it and don't want to do it. Moderate drinking is no fun. If I was going to drink now I know it would be to drink a lot (because I always did), and I would not try to kid myself about having one or two.

I was at a meeting and an old timer was describing how 'normal' people drink... in control, just one or two. He said 'that sounds terrible. I don't want to drink like a normal person. That sounds awful. I would hate to drink like a normal person so I am just not going to drink at all'. Made me think.

Dib42

As an alcoholic, we've all been hypocrits at some point or another, it just goes hand in hand with it, its easier to tell people what they should do, than do it yourself, especially after having a few.

Moderation - I know everyone is different, but I don't understand the desire to be a moderate drinker. I have no interest in just having a few on occasion. I want to have fun if I'm drinking, and that's going to take a lot of drinks. Or I want to forget about the way i feel, that's going to take a lot of drinks. Drinking just a couple is only going to make me sleepy, bored, craving more, or frustrated that I'm not drunk.
Screw That! Not worth it, I'm either going to get wasted and make it worth it, or I'm not going to have one, because one is boring and one will only make me want ten or more.

shauninspain

It takes a very big man to come clean and open up like you have. But don't beat yourself up. You are an alcoholic, and as such you drank. As you said there is no way to keep it in moderation. When you mentioned that you posted encouraging words whilst sipping on a beer, it reminded me of something I did a few years ago.

I was asked to do a main share at an AA group. I agreed, but on the night of the share I was high as a kite on Mushrooms! Trust me, trying to read from the big book when all the words were falling through the pages and on to the floor, which looked like a gateway into a different dimension, was not an altogether pleasant or easy experience!

Mizzuno

Your getting back on the horse and riding and that is what matters. We need you in this caravan. You have not let "us" down. This is not easy.Stay positive and know that you can do this!

Dib42

Talk about bad ideas...

Gilmer

Glad you're back on the horse, Vast! Keep getting back on as many times as it takes. Alcohol is a losing proposition. Your life will be better sober.

Dee74

welcome back Vast

D

least

Glad you're giving it another go.

Vastreaction

At work right now... miserable. Didn't get much sleep. 9 hour work shifts are so much more endurable when I'm not hungover and sleep deprived. I am more productive, I even have a good time. I think I am going to start a journal of all the negative aspects of my life when I'm drinking.