Kasia71

I've been drinking nightly for roughly 20 years, aside from my pregnancies/nursing. I've never put in much of an effort to stop. The first 10 years were beer & wine and then bumped it up to vodka/tonic. Over the past few years I have found myself hung over more days than not and having many internal dialogues about how I need to stop this, but never do. It's become worse because I feel like I can't connect with other women to make new friendships unless they want to go out for drinks, that's what I do, drink. I don't participate in other leisure activities. Non-drinking activities sound like a huge bore to me. I typically don't drink crazy amounts Su-Th, but come Friday and Saturday we (husband and I) start drinking and don't stop until I black out and pass out. I sleep until 11ish, and have 3 kids 10 & under. We've trained them to behave & be quiet while mommy & daddy are sleeping. They're getting to an age where soon they're going to figure us out...why we sleep so late and still have to take an afternoon nap on the sofa. It's pathetic! I fear when my kids go play with neighbor children that they may let it get out that "my mom sleeps until almost lunch time", maybe have already?? I hide it fairly well (I think)...closet drinker & smoker too...which is another thing I beat myself up about. I didn't attribute this to my drinking, but last summer a few things happened in my life that led me to be depressed, drink even more, and the depression became even more crippling, I finally went to a therapist for help...talk about everything except my drinking...I didn't share that part of the story. Now I'm on antidepressants, which helps, but I wonder if I wasn't drinking so much if that would be necessary. I feel like I cannot do this anymore and at the same time feel like I can't stop because I feel like I will be giving up my best friend & the only leisure activity I have known for 2 decades. I'm so unhappy with my life though, I have no job (been a stay at home mom for a decade), but when I think of getting one I don't know how I will do it and keep up my boozing, so instead, I keep drinking and sit here alone all day everyday feeling isolated and sad.

Ugh, I don't know my purpose of saying all of this....I guess getting it off my chest. I haven't drank since Saturday night...last night (Sunday) was hell. It did feel good to wake up this morning not being sick, but I feel completely overwhelmed. I know tonight will be like last night...anxious and sick!

Siesta

Hi there, I remember before I quit drinking I would worry that any non drinking activity would be boring. I would actually get annoyed with my hubby if he wanted to do something that didn't involve drinking. Just wanted to share with you that the longer I have stayed sober, the more I am amazed at how much more enjoyment I get from non drinking activities. Everything I did before was just a waste of time being wasted. Being sober and healthy is a fantastic feeling. No more beating myself up. Just enjoying life and setting a good example for my kids.
I'm not one for giving advice, but for me, after I got through the initial withdrawal stage, it has been totally worth it. I used to think of alcohol as a "friend" also, but it was a false friend that was trying to take me down with it. Maybe just take it day by day and re evaluate how you feel after getting through the withdrawal stage.

Kasia71

Thanks...appreciate your advice. I'm a pathetic example for my kids. I often get short and crabby towards them because I feel like crap and don't want to hear the noise and constant requests. This too I blamed on them and thought that maybe I just wasn't cut out for parenthood....and drank more. Never thinking that it was the drinking that gave me this attitude, not anything they've done.

trachemys

First days can be tough. You're already feeling better, right? It'll get better. Hang on to the better feeling part and overcome the cravings. Post and read on here. Find a women's AA meeting if you think that will help you.

Dib42

As a child of an alcoholic (as well as one myself) at the age of 8&9, I knew what my mom and dad were up to. Weird drunken fights at night (waking me up.) Weird broken promises (my dad would get these crazy ideas like buying a vacation property or moving to hawaii, and would take us, usually con someone who was selling a property into letting us stay there for free for an extended time. Sometimes the property owner would catch on and my Dad would tell us that the deal didn't work out because the property owner was an a**hole or was trying to scam him, or something)

Mostly they were just the adventures of drunken fools, but to me, they were just lies.

For a long time, I thought I was drinking to cope with my children. It made me want to play with them, it made it easier to be patient with them. But I realized later, I was drinking to avoid being a parent. I didn't want to do all that parenting stuff.... cause it sucks... it's boring, frustrating, and thankless.... at least I thought it was. Being sober more often than not now, I realized that being a parent is a challenge, but you have to embrace it, those are little people relying on you for structure.

wiscsober

Welcome Kasia71 my privilege to read your post. You wrote what you needed to write. We all start there. You will find a lot of help at SR, and you already are helping.

Alcoholism is a tragic family disease. Though the children might not know the specifics they already have adapted their behavior towards the parents' drinking. But, with sobriety, and I can rattle off a dozen people I know who live sanely and soberly as responsible parents, you can also.

Your recovery is your responsibility and you are making the first important step: admission and acceptance. Keep the focus on yourself, and those around you will be rewarded.

I have no advice on anti-depressants, but with my experiences they helped tremendously -- though I had to understand that if I drank on top of them they contributed to the problem -- making part of a dangerous cocktail -- on that little label it says not to mix with alcohol!

In the beginning, and this was many years ago, the psych doc wanted me to be at least a month sober before making a diagnosis of anything else but alcoholism and addiction.

It takes quite a while for our bodies and minds to level out after years of drinking.

Chin up, and to your speedy recovery

Kasia71

You're right Dib....parenting is hard, boring, frustrating & thankless, and when I get a nice little buzz going I feel like it's all good....kids, marriage, everything. But then I keep drinking and end up staggering drunk (after they're in bed) and feeling like crap the next day...and angry with the kids again. Vicious circle I have to break.

So it sounds like you got control of your drinking vs quitting entirely? How's that been working out for you?