Time For a Change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 14
Time For a Change
Well, after nearly 20 solid years of boozing it up, I believe I have pretty much hit rock bottom (to myself, anyways).
From crashed cars (thankfully nobody ever got hurt), to a DUI, to unnecessary risk taking in a huge variety of ways, blowing money in bars and clubs, minor brushes with the law, to ending up in situations along with bad people doing bad things... This is when I should have stepped back and realized that I may not live much longer, or end up in prison or on skid row if I continue this lifestyle.
So, after quite a few years of this self destructive behavior, I modified my routine. This routine allowed me to become a "functioning alcoholic," at least for the most part. And it did "work" for the most part. So, I did my drinking at home, or had taken cabs to bars, and generally could perform at least the minimal requirements at most jobs. I was single at the time, and was just barely making it "work." I thought things were balanced "well enough" for a single guy.
Fast forward a few years, and I meet the woman of my dreams. We get married after dating for a couple years, and we are both quite happy. Somehow, again, I managed to modify my drinking habits just enough to not really negatively affect things too much. Up until the last few months...
The drinking, which is always done at home, has become excessive. I would drink 12 cans of beer each and every weekday, and easily more on the weekends. And I'm not a big guy. My wife doesn't know about my "wreckless" past, but she can see there has been a problem lately. Passing out on the floor, staying up all night drinking, blacking out, even peed the bed a couple of times. I ignored her nagging.
Now it's getting worse. I'm generally a very gentle person, but now I have started to verbally abuse her for absolutely no reason. She has left already once, and I made an effort to change. She did come back, but it wasn't long before I wrecked it again. If I don't change my style fast, I think I may have ruined this marriage for good
I feel tremendous guilt hurting somebody I love, with my jekyll and hyde behaviour, the blackouts, the verbal abuse using every dirty name imaginable.
I didn't really know how much I loved her until she left, and I may still have a chance to salvage what's left if I act fast.
Today is my first day sober after almost 20 years of heavy daily drinking. Tomorrow will be my first visit to AA, and hopefully a start to a new life full of love and opportunity. Alcohol has held me back for 20 years, and I'm sad that it had taken me this long to actually realize that I may need some support or help with this problem.
From crashed cars (thankfully nobody ever got hurt), to a DUI, to unnecessary risk taking in a huge variety of ways, blowing money in bars and clubs, minor brushes with the law, to ending up in situations along with bad people doing bad things... This is when I should have stepped back and realized that I may not live much longer, or end up in prison or on skid row if I continue this lifestyle.
So, after quite a few years of this self destructive behavior, I modified my routine. This routine allowed me to become a "functioning alcoholic," at least for the most part. And it did "work" for the most part. So, I did my drinking at home, or had taken cabs to bars, and generally could perform at least the minimal requirements at most jobs. I was single at the time, and was just barely making it "work." I thought things were balanced "well enough" for a single guy.
Fast forward a few years, and I meet the woman of my dreams. We get married after dating for a couple years, and we are both quite happy. Somehow, again, I managed to modify my drinking habits just enough to not really negatively affect things too much. Up until the last few months...
The drinking, which is always done at home, has become excessive. I would drink 12 cans of beer each and every weekday, and easily more on the weekends. And I'm not a big guy. My wife doesn't know about my "wreckless" past, but she can see there has been a problem lately. Passing out on the floor, staying up all night drinking, blacking out, even peed the bed a couple of times. I ignored her nagging.
Now it's getting worse. I'm generally a very gentle person, but now I have started to verbally abuse her for absolutely no reason. She has left already once, and I made an effort to change. She did come back, but it wasn't long before I wrecked it again. If I don't change my style fast, I think I may have ruined this marriage for good
I feel tremendous guilt hurting somebody I love, with my jekyll and hyde behaviour, the blackouts, the verbal abuse using every dirty name imaginable.
I didn't really know how much I loved her until she left, and I may still have a chance to salvage what's left if I act fast.
Today is my first day sober after almost 20 years of heavy daily drinking. Tomorrow will be my first visit to AA, and hopefully a start to a new life full of love and opportunity. Alcohol has held me back for 20 years, and I'm sad that it had taken me this long to actually realize that I may need some support or help with this problem.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
how much are you giving ?
with God's help you can put a stop to the madness
and
stop drinking and destroying your life
just what happened in my past
there came a day in which they did leave
never to return
I sure did cry in my beer when they were gone
a marriage requires giving 100 %
how much are you giving ?
onehigherpower
and
stop drinking and destroying your life
just what happened in my past
there came a day in which they did leave
never to return
I sure did cry in my beer when they were gone
a marriage requires giving 100 %
how much are you giving ?
onehigherpower
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 14
I have never been to AA before, so the process will all be foreign to me, except for what I've read from other members. I'm definitely nervous, but my drinking makes me more nervous. I figure if I don't have the courage to at least walk in, I may not have the courage to properly deal with my problems effectively.
I'm not on the computer all the time, but I would like to update my experiences and my progress from time to time, and to also read the success stories of others here.
It's really late now, and I must try to get some rest for tomorrow. Take care you all.
I'm not on the computer all the time, but I would like to update my experiences and my progress from time to time, and to also read the success stories of others here.
It's really late now, and I must try to get some rest for tomorrow. Take care you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 263
Man have I been there. The random verbal out-lashing for no reason other than alcohol has my thinking warped. I am still a work in progress but not drinking has allowed me to see how insane my behavior has been. Anyway Welcome welcome. AA isn't that scary just go and tell people you're new, I have found most meetings to be overwhelmingly welcoming. I know how intimidating it was for me but just go, may not end up being your cup of tea but you won't know without going!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
(from your post): "I may still have a chance to salvage what's left if I act fast."
There are SO MANY people that only wish they could somehow still be able to write these words. "May still have a chance" is a huge blessing and precious opportunity. Congratulations on recognizing that and working to make it happen.
Welcome. I am glad you are here.
There are SO MANY people that only wish they could somehow still be able to write these words. "May still have a chance" is a huge blessing and precious opportunity. Congratulations on recognizing that and working to make it happen.
Welcome. I am glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Welcome. Sometimes we just have to take the plunge into a direction that is foreign. AA meetings have helped so many people. The idea of attending a meeting is actually scarier than the attendance, IMO. In AA, it is all about the newcomer, so everyone will be happy that you are there. You will experience warmth and love, and an understanding that can not be found anywhere else. AA knows and has been there. It is not for everyone. You will know after your first few meetings. Please post on here and let us know how you are doing. Once again, welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 14
Thank you all for the pleasant and supportive replies, and for your own personal experiences also.
So, I did choose a particular meeting, and was welcomed with professionalism and warmth, but not overbearingly so. The most they asked for was my first name, which is to be expected, of course. This group will essentially leave you alone, until you are actually ready to say something, if you want to. I suppose I was more nervous about dealing with my own problems, than actually walking into a roomful of strangers.
I have heard that different meetings can differ in their levels of attendance, their demographics can vary, philosophy, etc. I did read on this site about some groups potentially having members that appeared that they were straight out of "Lock Down: A View Inside America's SuperMax Prisons." I saw nothing of the sort at this meeting. However, I will admit I live in typical middle-class suburbia, so I'm sure demographics can change depending on where you live.
I was actually quite surprised at whom I saw there, and this was a relatively small group. From lower class to upper class. These people are from all walks of life. Some could be the construction foreman, some could be upper middle class housewives, while others could clearly be white collar professionals. And they are willing to share their story.
Some hit ABSOLUTE rock bottom, while others caught themselves just in time before becoming a skid row junkie.
Needless to say, this info isn't so much directed to the people that KNOW the workings, but more so to someone, like myself, that is cautious and nervous about taking that first step and actually going in to hear what they have to say.
So, I did choose a particular meeting, and was welcomed with professionalism and warmth, but not overbearingly so. The most they asked for was my first name, which is to be expected, of course. This group will essentially leave you alone, until you are actually ready to say something, if you want to. I suppose I was more nervous about dealing with my own problems, than actually walking into a roomful of strangers.
I have heard that different meetings can differ in their levels of attendance, their demographics can vary, philosophy, etc. I did read on this site about some groups potentially having members that appeared that they were straight out of "Lock Down: A View Inside America's SuperMax Prisons." I saw nothing of the sort at this meeting. However, I will admit I live in typical middle-class suburbia, so I'm sure demographics can change depending on where you live.
I was actually quite surprised at whom I saw there, and this was a relatively small group. From lower class to upper class. These people are from all walks of life. Some could be the construction foreman, some could be upper middle class housewives, while others could clearly be white collar professionals. And they are willing to share their story.
Some hit ABSOLUTE rock bottom, while others caught themselves just in time before becoming a skid row junkie.
Needless to say, this info isn't so much directed to the people that KNOW the workings, but more so to someone, like myself, that is cautious and nervous about taking that first step and actually going in to hear what they have to say.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 14
And I should ad, you hear from people that have been in the dumpster, but have successfully crawled out and now live proper lives, does instill a bit of "hope," if you will.
And just the fact that I personally had the ballz to enter, as a stranger and on my own, seemed to boost my confidence level somewhat as well.
And just the fact that I personally had the ballz to enter, as a stranger and on my own, seemed to boost my confidence level somewhat as well.
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