FeenixxRising

I had 28 days of soberity under my belt. I felt good about those four weeks, but last night I caved to my urge to enjoy a beer buzz and I drank 5 lite beers. Now 5 beers is hardly a bender or even a binge. I didn’t get drunk, I didn’t do anything stupid, and I didn’t have a hangover this morning. But to be honest, I only drank 5 because of last call and I could not order another beer. Had I started drinking earlier, things could have been much worse.

I know my problem: I miss my ability to enjoy a few beers and stay in control. Subconsciously (and sometimes consciously), I believe I can return to moderate drinking. The idea of giving up drinking for good is something I’m having trouble accepting—even though I know that’s the road I have to take. So that's my hurdle and challenge. I will have to get to a place where I accept I can no longer drink, and I will have to find a way to realize I can enjoy life without alcohol.

Chuck48

Someone on here recommended "playing the tape (DVD?) all the way to the end." That thought has saved me many times. It sounds like you know what would have happened if the night had been longer. Try to keep that in mind the next time you're tempted. There were no repercussions this time, but don't let that persuade you to try again.

FeenixxRising

Thanks Chuck. I actually did play the tape to the end. I was in a situation where booze was readily available. It was work related. I did well actually, and I made it through 4 hours without drinking. I was getting ready to leave, but I decided to have dinner before going. I then decided "what the hell", I'll have a beer with my sushi, and I then set a limit of 3 beers. I overshot that mark.

BTW, although, I could not have avoided the situation entirely, I could have taken care of business earlier in the day. My triggers are much weaker during the day; but for a number of reasons I put myself into the situation right when everyone else was in prime drinking mode. So lesson learned. Get my ass home by evening so I can avoid the triggers.

1newcreation

Chuck stole my thunder...lol But seriously, the good Lord must have saved you from "as yet" situation. There's no controlled drinking for you as you've already admitted of the past & why you're on SR. An old timer told me @ 1st to keep it simple & put the excuses away. I'm glad he did coz that got my attn. & more importantly, I didn't get offended coz was sick & tired of being sick & tired. Only thing left was for me to do smthg about it
Best wishes to you

Chuck48

I totally understand. Days are easy for me--it's the nights that hook me in. At least we both know our trigger times! I've been setting a phone alarm to go off around 7 p.m., when I normally would start drinking. It's just a reminder of what I shouldn't be doing.

bigsombrero

Sorry to hear it - I know you were working towards kicking this thing. Probably should put bars on your list of places never to go. I believe I have said before, you should see losing drinking as if you were losing an arm. You can wish for it to come back, but it won't so move on. I hope you take a realistic approach this time and just admit that this will be forever. Stop pretending and get on with life. I know you can do this, good luck.

Dee74

Welcome back Feenix

The times I got drunk were bad, but those times when I drank and nothing happened were in a sense even worse for me because they fed the idea I might be able do routinely do that.

I couldn't. I tried for 20 years and I could never control things.

In the end I had to choose - be the man I wanted to be, or drink. It was impossible for me to do both.

D

sugarbear1

5 beers after not having any for 28 days would have hurt my head!

Are you ready to stay stopped, yet?

FeenixxRising

Yes, I've been thinking the same thing. It would be easy to tell myself that there were no problems the last time I drank, so I can drink without repercussions.

But I know better.

FeenixxRising

Yes, unfortunately, as I've mentioned, I feel like I've lost a good friend (or as bigsombrero says, I've lost an arm). For me (and I believe for anyone suffering from addiction), I will need to find a way to have a satisfying, rewarding and fulfilling life without alcohol. It's certainly possible, as millions, if not billions of people have that life.

I'm a little down, but I'm not out. I learned a few things over the last 28 days and I will build on that.

Dib42

I hit a point recently where my perspective changed on alcohol, I switched from looking at it as my faithful companion, my trusty friend, to something I despise. no friend of mine would/should ever treat me the way alcohol does, and I resent it for that. I don't like being drunk, I don't like being hung over, so whats the point of drinking if i'm not going to get wasted. So I do my best not to have one, because one beer/shot is boring, I need 10, and that 10 will make me drink 20, then if I don't pass out first, i'll probably do something I won't remember but always regret.

SoberD

I've been thinking the same thing - for me, it would be pointless (even if I could) to just have a "couple beers" since I wouldn't feel any of the effects that I like about alcohol from that quantity. That's why I'm learning to NOT envy people that can just have 1-2 drinks and stop - because I just don't think there is anything that great about drinking alcohol and not getting buzzed or drunk...

fantail

Haha yes, exactly... I catch myself thinking "maybe if I stay clean for a year, then later I can have a glass or two of wine with dinner." And then I remind myself that I don't want a glass or two of wine, I want to be capital D Drunk all the time but with no health or social consequences. A glass of wine is like if I was $5,000 in debt and someone offered me a dime... no thanks, you can keep it.

bigsombrero

^^^THIS^^^

There is no way in hell "a couple beers" would be fun for me. I need to be constantly stuffing my face with alcohol and will not stop until I pass out. It's so pathetic to think about, and I hate knowing this about myself. But it's true. So screw it. Thanks Dib. Hope you are feeling better today Fenixx!

Dib42

This is a great analogy.

0percentABV

I look at it as an abusive relationship which in some aspects it's a pretty accurate description. For the last few years of my drinking I was trying desperately to get back to the good old days. Where me and booze would sit back listening to music or watching the game or hanging with friends. I was able to be a lush without the problems of alcoholism that was waiting for me far down the road. Then it was beating me up. I would wake up hurting telling myself that I got to do better and I would for a few days or maybe weeks but then I would over do it and I would be suffering Monday morning at work. Then towards the end I would kick it to the curb only to let it back in the door again thinking I could make it better, like it used to be but eventually I would be hurting all over again. Then I just got sick of the abuse. Alcohol is not going to change but I can.

RiverFriend

Feenixx, I did a similar thing on Saturday night and "played the tape through the end" but thought maybe I can do this, maybe I'm not an alcoholic. Ugh, yes I am and I knew it but I'm good at playing tricks on myself. Back to meetings for me and it was helpful seeing comments on here and relating to you guys. Stay strong.

Tobo

I can relate to a lot of things in this thread. Having periods of controlled drinking is really dangerous bc it's what we tend to remember and then we chase that illusion. It's like a slot machine with intermittent reinforcement. It would almost be easier to accept these problems if we had absolutely no control from day 1. Ugh, damned if I drink, miserable if I dont

shauninspain

Really good to hear that you didn't go overboard, or get the chance to. I would be very careful though, because having those beers, with no ill effects, might get you thinking about repeating the experiment. I know that you couldn't drink any more because of last call. But you may conveniently forget that as the days pass, and begin to wonder if you could have walked away after only five. Best not put it to the test.

I only say that I am not drinking today. I don't project into the future. Perhaps just keep it on a daily basis.

Anna

Yes, you absolutely will. But, you can.

Hopefully the experience last night will move you closer to accepting the situation.